Goals that Make Me Wait

The teen boys in the raft had learned how to paddle and seemed ready to show off.  It felt like I was playing fetch with a puppy and I sort of was.  I threw a big, orange ball into the river way ahead of us and shouted: “Go get it!” and the boys started paddling like mad.  I helped by steering the boat, but they instinctively knew that they had to drive to the ball.

A few minutes after picking up the ball, I threw it again; but this time instead of downstream, I threw it upstream and shouted: “Get the ball!”  Okay, now that I’m typing it, it does seem like I was treating them like a dog, but I had a reason for this.  The boys seemed a bit uncertain about what they were going to do.  Some boys suggested that we don’t do anything since the ball would float down to us.  They soon discovered that we were also floating the same speed as the ball.  Then some boys told me to turn the boat toward the ball and they started to paddle for all they were worth.  All the boys joined in.   Interestingly, we weren’t able to paddle upriver to the ball, but we were able to hold our position enough for the ball to come to us.

Sounds like a silly game, but I was trying to make a point.  There are some goals which we need to drive toward, and others that we need to make sure we are holding in the right place and waiting for.

Most people who talk to teens about goals focus on what I call “driving” goals.  These goals include: finishing high school, sports victories, graduating from college, a good job, a fantastic family, riches, and fame.  As I talked to the boys, they also had goals like having great friends.

I asked them a question that I think is important for teens and adults to think about:

What goals do you need to drive toward and what goals do you need to actively wait for?

Both driving to goals and waiting for goals take effort and a lot of energy.  The boys knew that simply drifting didn’t get the job done.

As we talked, the boys shared about their friendships; how they tried to get someone to like them or include them in a group by working to be liked.  They also shared how annoying it is for someone to try to drive or push a friendship.  It was turning into a great conversation, but then I raised the bar a bit.  What about girls?  Is that something you drive for or do the hard work of waiting?  Now the answers were mixed and I don’t have space to capture all their thoughts.  What was clear was that it’s easy to lose track of who you are when you really want someone to like you, and that love is built on acceptance and authenticity.  It takes a lot of work to be the very best ‘you’ in a world that wants you to be like someone else.

At this point, one of the boys shared that we really have to drive in our relationship with Christ.  Not quite what I was expecting on our raft trip, but he went on to say that he had to pray, read his Bible, and do good things for God to accept him.  I asked him who did all the work for him to be saved.  He thought for a while and said, “Jesus.”  So, if Jesus did all the work, does that mean we are supposed to drift, drive, or wait?

It was at this point that we remembered that Jesus wasn’t like that ball.  The ball just floats along, but Jesus came to us.  Once He gets to us, He drives us to love people more and causes us to wait in faith for a lot of things.

Pretty amazing what can happen on the river when playing fetch with a bunch of boys!

As you talk to your kids about goals, I encourage you to find ways to talk about not only what the goals are, but what needs to happen to get those goals.  Better yet, rather than just talking, why don’t you find a way to experience it before talking.

[reminder]Which do you find harder, driving for goals or waiting on goals?  Why?[/reminder]

The Power of a Three-Second Pause

Three seconds doesn’t seem like too long.   Yet, there are certain times that it seems like an eternity.  I’ve never ridden a bull, but imagine those 3 to 8 seconds feel like an eternity.  Tyler Bradt set a record when he kayaked off of Palouse Falls, which is 189 ft.  It took him about 3.7 seconds to make that fall, but that fall felt short compared to the length of time it took to escape the undertow below the falls.

Why am I talking about three seconds?  Because three seconds can be all it takes for you to make better decisions, especially when you are being asked to do something and you aren’t sure how to respond.

I recently read, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown.  The book specifically talks about how easy it is for us to get over committed, try to do too much, and live lives which are driven by pleasing other people at the expense of living out our calling.  He recommends taking three seconds to think before responding when someone asks you to do something.   Three seconds typically results in three things:

  1. You decide that it is a great opportunity and you figure out how you can take advantage of it.
  2. You decide it may be a good opportunity, but you have better options that won’t be possible if you say ‘yes’, and so you say ‘no’.
  3. The person who is asking you is so insecure with silence that they withdraw their request.

What is the power of three seconds?  Actually, three is more of a minimum.  It really doesn’t give you enough time to make a decision, but it does one thing really well.  It helps move the decision from the limbic part of the brain (impulsive memory, emotion,  and habit part of our brain) and moves it toward the frontal lobe, which powers cause-and-effect thinking.

This is a big deal.  When our limbic system is in charge, we react rather than act.  This system is great because it allows us to drive and listen to the radio, chew gum and walk, play a guitar and sing.  It allows us to react in helpful ways.  It also jumps into action and protects us when we are in perceived danger.  The problem is that our limbic system also makes bad connections and we react in negative ways, too.  For example, teens sometimes react really negatively to a new teacher because that teacher reminds them of someone who hurt them; or in the case of others, the subject (math, reading, writing) carries some negative emotions.  The teen goes into self-protective mode and pushes away someone who is really trying to help them.

Three seconds, especially if you are focused on counting slowly, provides enough time for the limbic system  to panic, react, and in a sense, hand off the problem to the thinking brain.

Waiting three seconds can keep us parents from doing and saying things that we regret.  All of our discipline that we do as parents should wait at least three seconds to make sure we respond with wisdom rather than react in a fit of anger, fear, or panic.

Our kids also need to be taught how to wait for three seconds when they are making decisions.  Actually, I don’t have any science to back this up, but maybe they should count a bit higher since their limbic system is much more dominant than their frontal lobe.  His frontal lobe needs all the help it can get.

This skill, like the majority of things our kids learn, is taught and caught rather than natural.  Model it for them and talk about why you paused when someone asked whether you could help with something at church.  Let them know when you are angry that you need a few seconds or minutes to make sure you are responding using your whole brain rather than just how you feel like reacting.

Also, take time to affirm your kids when you see them pausing before committing to a request or responding to a situation.

[reminder]Have you experienced the power of waiting three seconds?  How do you remind yourself to count when you want to be responding?[/reminder]

 

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Podcast Short – Talking to Defensive Teens

PrintWe are excited to announce a new podcast designed specifically for busy parents. It’s called “Today’s Family Experience” and the goal is to help families connect in a world that is pulling them apart.

This episode is a “Short” which means it only takes a minute of your time.  It doesn’t go too deep but covers enough to give you something to try to quickly use in your family.

Today’s episode is based on blog post called “You have Less Than 18 Minutes”

Show Notes:

“Talk Like Ted” by Carmine Gallo

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