I keep replaying a phrase in a sermon by by Pastor Dan Jackson, the President of the North American Division of Seventh-day Adventists (Listen here, at 20 minute mark). It comes back to me in ways that aren’t comfortable. I’m sharing it with you because even though it sounds simple, it changes how we treat ourselves, our kids, and all others.
He told a story from when he was pastoring and dealing with a member who was not wanting to come to church because he hadn’t kicked the smoking habit and didn’t want to come to church smelling like cigarettes. He said, “I don’t want to come to church because people can smell my sin!” Elder Jackson’s response to the man was…
There is only one difference between you and that other person sitting next to you on the pew…you can’t smell their sin”
He went on to say that if there was an odor attached to every particular sin, it wouldn’t take long for us to be open about our sin and more importantly, our need for a savior.
I share this on this blog for two reasons. First, I think it’s helpful to think about sin from a God’s perspective rather our typical arbitrary framework. If you are like me, you’ve done a pretty good job getting rid of the ones that are easy to see or smell yet I need to remember to not only extend grace to others but to allow God to work in the deeper, hidden parts of our lives.
Second, as a parents it’s easy to focus on helping our kids manage their outside image to the exclusion of the internal. It’s natural to come down hard on bad language, passing gas in public, elbows on the table, hurting others and a whole bunch of other external acts of rebellion. I’m not saying we shouldn’t guide our kids in these areas but we need to be careful that we aren’t planting seeds of perfectionism and people pleasing and neglecting the important work below the surface.
The danger for us and our kids in chasing perfectionism is that it is a never ending trail of disappointment. We can’t become perfect and many times the perfectionist hurts himself and others by not accepting reality and the grace that is only available to the imperfect. Ironically, healing comes when we finally quit trying to be perfect.
The danger in people pleasing is that we end up splitting our personality because there is no way that we can be an “intact” or a whole person and please everyone. It’s impossible without becoming splitting our personality living different personalities. People that are really good at living multiple personalities either become TV stars or end up with serious psychological problems, maybe both.
So, what does it look like when we parent knowing that hidden sin is potentially more dangerous to us and our kids than the obvious sins? First, we need to always focus on the heart and what’s going on inside rather than just look at the outside behavior. I was recently talking with a boy at our Youth Ranch who was really down because of an obvious mistake that he had done. He had blown it in a really public way. However, when we had a chance to talk (this is rare privilege since I’m not able to be at the ranch much and am not a key player in teens’ therapy), he wanted to talk about how he had lost his cool publicly but at the heart of his explanation, he was trying to make up for his “sin” by trying to be perfect rather than be real.
The real conversation came out eventually and he shared how he makes these crazy choices to get people to think he is cool, even if costs him. He wants staff approval but more than that, he wants peer approval and if those conflict, he chooses to impress his peers. The problem for him was that most of his “friends’ made him feel stupid for doing the little attention seeking things. They laughed when he did it, but made fun of him for it too.
Too much stuff to cover in one blog post but what would it be like if we not only believed all sin had a smell, but that we also spent more time looking at the deep down hidden stinky stuff rather than the obvious surface stuff?
[reminder]What do you think it would be like if every sin had a smell? How would it change your parenting?[/reminder]
If you enjoy this blog, would you take a minute to share it on Facebook?
Posted: September 10, 2014 by Chuck Hagele
Podcast Short: Telling The Truth
We are excited to announce a new podcast designed specifically for busy parents. It’s called “Today’s Family Experience” and the goal is to help families connect in a world that is pulling them apart.
This episode is a “Short” which means it only takes a minute of your time. It doesn’t go too deep but covers enough to give you something to try to quickly use in your family.
Today’s episode is based on blog post called “Telling The Truth”
Watch for upcoming post on how you can subscribe on iTunes by searching for “Today’s Family Experience” Look for this logo:
We’d love you ideas on what you like about the new podcast, what you’d like to see improved and information you’d like covered.
Also, in the next few weeks we will be releasing longer version podcasts which will include interviews, in-depth look at parenting issues, book reviews and stories with out alumni.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe: RSS
Posted: September 5, 2014 by Chuck Hagele
What If Every Sin Had A Smell?
I keep replaying a phrase in a sermon by by Pastor Dan Jackson, the President of the North American Division of Seventh-day Adventists (Listen here, at 20 minute mark). It comes back to me in ways that aren’t comfortable. I’m sharing it with you because even though it sounds simple, it changes how we treat ourselves, our kids, and all others.
He told a story from when he was pastoring and dealing with a member who was not wanting to come to church because he hadn’t kicked the smoking habit and didn’t want to come to church smelling like cigarettes. He said, “I don’t want to come to church because people can smell my sin!” Elder Jackson’s response to the man was…
He went on to say that if there was an odor attached to every particular sin, it wouldn’t take long for us to be open about our sin and more importantly, our need for a savior.
I share this on this blog for two reasons. First, I think it’s helpful to think about sin from a God’s perspective rather our typical arbitrary framework. If you are like me, you’ve done a pretty good job getting rid of the ones that are easy to see or smell yet I need to remember to not only extend grace to others but to allow God to work in the deeper, hidden parts of our lives.
Second, as a parents it’s easy to focus on helping our kids manage their outside image to the exclusion of the internal. It’s natural to come down hard on bad language, passing gas in public, elbows on the table, hurting others and a whole bunch of other external acts of rebellion. I’m not saying we shouldn’t guide our kids in these areas but we need to be careful that we aren’t planting seeds of perfectionism and people pleasing and neglecting the important work below the surface.
The danger for us and our kids in chasing perfectionism is that it is a never ending trail of disappointment. We can’t become perfect and many times the perfectionist hurts himself and others by not accepting reality and the grace that is only available to the imperfect. Ironically, healing comes when we finally quit trying to be perfect.
The danger in people pleasing is that we end up splitting our personality because there is no way that we can be an “intact” or a whole person and please everyone. It’s impossible without becoming splitting our personality living different personalities. People that are really good at living multiple personalities either become TV stars or end up with serious psychological problems, maybe both.
So, what does it look like when we parent knowing that hidden sin is potentially more dangerous to us and our kids than the obvious sins? First, we need to always focus on the heart and what’s going on inside rather than just look at the outside behavior. I was recently talking with a boy at our Youth Ranch who was really down because of an obvious mistake that he had done. He had blown it in a really public way. However, when we had a chance to talk (this is rare privilege since I’m not able to be at the ranch much and am not a key player in teens’ therapy), he wanted to talk about how he had lost his cool publicly but at the heart of his explanation, he was trying to make up for his “sin” by trying to be perfect rather than be real.
The real conversation came out eventually and he shared how he makes these crazy choices to get people to think he is cool, even if costs him. He wants staff approval but more than that, he wants peer approval and if those conflict, he chooses to impress his peers. The problem for him was that most of his “friends’ made him feel stupid for doing the little attention seeking things. They laughed when he did it, but made fun of him for it too.
Too much stuff to cover in one blog post but what would it be like if we not only believed all sin had a smell, but that we also spent more time looking at the deep down hidden stinky stuff rather than the obvious surface stuff?
[reminder]What do you think it would be like if every sin had a smell? How would it change your parenting?[/reminder]If you enjoy this blog, would you take a minute to share it on Facebook?
Posted: August 26, 2014 by Chuck Hagele
Little Things that Change Relationships
I am a whitewater river guide. I love rafting and kayaking. I learned to guide rafts while living in Idaho working with the youth at the Project Patch Youth Ranch and guiding for YD Adventures.
The river is amazingly powerful and the boats are heavy and the guide paddle doesn’t do much at times. Paul Spence and Kenny Leyton said something that encouraged me. They said that a 120-pound petite woman was often a better guide than the burly muscle-bound man because she didn’t try to overcome the power of the river with her muscles, and instead harnessed the power of the river and planned ahead in such a way that she took the boat down the river safer and with way less work.
Since I’m an office boy that isn’t by any means muscle-bound, I decided that I better learn how to harness the river. I learned to watch currents, use different currents to turn the boat, plan ahead and put the boat in a position so that it would ferry against the current, and a whole bunch of other skills that only came with admitting that I’m not that strong and need all the help I can get.
Why do I share this? Because I have found that I benefit when I approach the currents in my life’s relationships with the focus of a wise river guide rather than someone simply being washed down the river. When life’s currents pull us apart, rather than drift helplessly and rely on my own strength, I’ve found that the use of small but powerful currents help me to not only survive life’s rapids, but also makes the trip a lot more fun.
For example, small acts of thoughtfulness and kindness done proactively rather than re-actively have a huge impact on relationships. I’m always surprised by the power a small gesture of thoughtfulness can have on my wife and children. My wife leaves a note in my girls’ school lunches everyday, which takes hardly any time, but the girls often comment about how special that made them feel.
The other thing I’m learning is that having a shared family goal is a lot of fun. Rather than surprise our girls with a vacation, we talk about it and plan ahead so that we can all dream and look forward to it. Kelly and I celebrated our 20th anniversary this summer and the shared planning led to anticipation and we drew closer even before the week together. Planning ahead helps us anticipate and reduce last-minute panic, but also creates a shared goal.
Another trick on the river is to use currents to turn the boat. I’ve had ten people in a boat, plus our gear; and it was hard to turn the boat, especially when it had a lot of momentum. As a guide I’d look for eddy’s, these are sections of the river flowing upstream rather than down. Putting a part of the boat into an eddy results in the boat naturally turning. This can be disastrous if I’m not anticipating it, but when I scout a challenging rapid, I look for currents at critical places that will help me turn the boat. This turbulent water makes it possible to get where I want to go. Sure it carries some risk, but it is also risky to try to turn a boat on my strength.
How does this apply to our families? It is a reminder that we shouldn’t avoid conflict in our family. I’m not advocating creating conflict, but I am saying that we shouldn’t necessarily avoid conflict either, especially if we need a change of course. Lack of conflict doesn’t mean your family is okay, it often means the opposite.
Some people don’t understand why I’d find it fun to go down a rushing river. The risk and fear for some is too much. I’m not here to convince you to raft, and you have a choice to participate or not. However, you don’t have a choice in life. You and your family are in the river, and your job as a parent is to guide your family. You have the choice of being reactive and trying to muscle your way through it; or to be wise and use small acts of kindness, shared goals, and even conflict, to help you get down the river with all the family in the boat, and maybe even having a blast doing it.
[reminder]Is your family experience similar to getting down a raging river? How have you kept all of you in the boat and navigated the rapids?[/reminder]