People drift apart. It’s easy to drift apart but it can be hard to figure out how to get closer again. There are some friends that it only takes minutes and others that never feel the same. Yet other friendships are a lot harder to rekindle.
One of the realities as our kids get older is that we will spend less and less time with them and as they become more self-sufficient and busy, it will require a concerted effort to remain close.
My question in writing this blog is, “Are there any ways to make it easier to get closer again?” In essence, what can I do to pick up as soon as possible on moving forward in the relationship rather than just trying to catch up?
Sticking with the idea of drifts and currents, one of the most powerful currents around us is the jet stream.
Image by: Charles Toepfer
The jet stream is one of those things that I don’t pay much attention to. I can’t see it, it is out of reach, and I can’t control it. The jet stream is constantly moving and it affects not only the weather (remember the arctic blasts last winter?) but also how long it takes for me to fly places.
Pilots chart their trips to harness the jet stream. Flying in the jet stream saves time and fuel (as long as you are going with it rather than against it). However, the jet stream doesn’t always go directly to where we need to go so pilots have to figure out when to fly in the jet stream and when to get out.
I see some ideas about restoring relationships from jet streams. First, there are some powerful friendship tools that we can use to restore our friendships. However, these tools come at a risk that we end up missing going where we need to go with our friendships.
First the power for good. There are three primary things that quickly bring people closer again:
Shared memories, stories, jokes – Laughing together, looking at pictures, remembering life can be a great way to get caught up in a friendship. When I get together with the guys that I sang with in high school and college, we can’t hardly do anything without remembering a goofy memory or embarrassing each other.
Doing something together. There is power in activity for two reasons. First, it is much less awkward than sitting around not sure what to say. It creates new memories and gets us out of our shell. Shared goals have power to bring people together.
A shared enemy. I share this because like it or not, having a shared enemy does bring people together in a powerful way. I’m not advocating having people as enemies for quite a few obvious reasons. Rather than taking this as a negative, what if you formed a relationship that helped you both be accountable in a certain area. Maybe focus on getting each other to exercise and eat better, grow spiritually, parent better, build strong marriages, or a bunch of other things. The enemy is obesity, laziness, discouragement, and together you work to slay the enemy.
The risk with the jet stream is that we may move quickly ahead but may not get where we want to go. The risk of some of these tools is that we risk things being superficial, unless we are purposeful in doing the hard things, too. It’s possible to use the “jet stream” and manipulate things, or be superficial and end up hurting the relationship rather than helping it.
At Project Patch, we have quite a few kids that come from broken homes and they’ve had parents that come in and out of their lives. The parents often buy them things, take them out for ice-cream, and make all sorts of promises. The kids want to be close and readily give their hearts to their parents. However, the well-meaning parent often doesn’t do the hard work of being there for the long-term and being a parent rather than Santa Claus.
The key is that there are ways to help rekindle relationships that are useful, but it also takes knowing when to get out of the jet stream and start doing the everyday things that relationships require.
[reminder]How do you quickly rekindle relationships and closeness with your family and friends?
The days are long, but the years are short.
– Gretchen Ruben
It’s strange that our kids seem to take forever to grow up, but at the same time, we blink and they are different. Our kids are constantly changing and requiring something different from us. As a parent, I feel like I’m lagging behind not realizing my girls are capable, maturing, and needing a different type of support from me than they needed even a week ago.
For example, it seemed like yesterday that I was reading silly stories to my girls and having a blast making different voices for the characters and helping explain things. Now both girls are reading books and some of the books don’t even have pictures, they are chapter books. I kind of miss those times and opportunities to connect.
Life has a way of constantly changing; and in a strange way as our kids go through years of dramatic development, we also are going through subtle changes. Things that bring us together lose their magnetism and other forces start to exert a stronger influence.
The Bible is pretty direct in telling us that this isn’t a problem; it is a plan set up by God in which our kids will separate from us and eventually join another. It is like a knife in which one relationship is severed to allow another to fully connect.
Our relationship with our children transitions from our kids being fully dependent on us to a point where we have to sever the dependance. However, the great news is that a new relationship begins forming, even at an early age; yet, it requires a severing of dependence to come into it’s own. This relationship is connected, not through dependence, but through love and free choice.
I want to also illustrate this idea by comparing it to a current. This current is one that is fatal to resist, but through change can lead to survival; not in the same place as before, but in a new place. This current is a rip tide.
Credit: Mary Schmitt
Rip tides are strange in that you really can’t feel that you are caught in one until you notice that you are being drawn out to sea and getting back to land becomes a matter of life and death. I remember being 11 and watching my brothers and a friend being swept out to sea. In their case, a lifeguard with a boat and line towed them in and saved the day; but I remember being stunned how my brothers (who were great swimmers) were losing the fight. WikiHow has six steps for overcoming a riptide. Two principles stand out:
Don’t fight it. Instead, call for help and conserve your energy for the important work.
Swim parallel to the shore in order to find calmer water that allows you to swim to shore without the resistance.
Too many of us try to keep things the same. And when things start to change, we fight the change rather than realizing that change happens, and we need to adjust to the change rather than kill ourselves fighting it. This is easier said than done because I tend to get frantic when I’m afraid. My girls are growing up and getting independent. They don’t need me as much as they used to and part of that makes it feel like I’m less relevant in their life. I constantly remind myself that I don’t fight their independence, I focus my energy on the important work of influencing their independence. Rather than focusing on keeping our relationship the same, I realize that I need to adapt and make adjustments that will lead to where I want to go.
So rather than fighting the loss of dependance, I focus on moving onto another plane which is relational. It isn’t friendship, but is a rich parent and child relationship based on love, admiration, and excitement to see how this capable person I love and trust handles it.
In summary, here are some things I’m focused on:
[callout]
Our kids are changing. Don’t fight the change, it will only damage your relationship.
Focus on developing trust, admiration, and expectation.
As they demonstrate maturity and responsibility, transition from teaching and discipline to mentoring and coaching.[/callout]
Question: Why is it so hard to admit our kids are growing up? How do you change as they change?
Wouldn’t it be awesome if people drifted closer rather than apart?
I was listening to a Michael Hyatt podcast (“This is Your Life – Episode 3”) recently and he was speaking about how nearly every area of our life is susceptible to drift if we aren’t careful. It reminded me of one of the funniest things I’d ever heard spoken from the stage at an alumni event at my high school. A rather large lady representing the 50-year reunion class was standing behind the mic and in a dry voice said, “A pound a year sure doesn’t sound like much…” It took a couple minutes for the audience and her to compose themselves.
Whether it is our health, finances, relationships, devotional life, garden, connecting with our kids, or a thousand other things, we tend to drift from order to chaos.
Neglect doesn’t improve things, and going with the flow has led me to many regrets.
I’ve done a bit of an inventory and noticed that I’ve lost touch with most of my friends, not because of a disagreement or choice, but simply because life became complicated and our friendship wasn’t a priority.
So, back to my question, stated differently. Is it possible to maintain our priorities in a world that has an imperceptible, but swift current pulling us away from purposefulness and into loss and regret?
To try to find my answer, I decided to take some time and study some different types of real currents and try to make some connections to “life drift”. As I studied real life currents, it became clear that there is a lot to learn from things like rip currents, jet streams, and rivers. But, before I spend some other articles writing about specifics, I think it’s important to realize that we are always in some sort of current.
Nothing in our lives is constant, except God. At the most basic level, time is flowing and that keeps us from moving in a current of time. We are either getting better or worse. Things are growing or dying.
I’m not sharing this to get on some theoretical or geeky kick, I’m sharing it because until we realize we can’t begin to get where we want to go until we accept that we are constantly being moved by different forces. I want to be close to my wife; however, our relationship without attention results in us drifting apart. I want to be an amazing dad to my girls; yet, they are constantly changing and needing different types of interactions as they mature. I want to lead Project Patch in an effective way and there are ways to move us forward rapidly, but in the wrong direction.
In all these areas of life, change is happening, and a key thing I’m considering is how can I live my life to take advantage of currents that bring me to where I want to go, while avoiding ones that isolate and wreck me.
Question: Have you been able to drift closer to the people you love and the things you want to accomplish? How? [reminder]
Posted: August 19, 2014 by Chuck Hagele
Getting Closer Quicker
People drift apart. It’s easy to drift apart but it can be hard to figure out how to get closer again. There are some friends that it only takes minutes and others that never feel the same. Yet other friendships are a lot harder to rekindle.
One of the realities as our kids get older is that we will spend less and less time with them and as they become more self-sufficient and busy, it will require a concerted effort to remain close.
My question in writing this blog is, “Are there any ways to make it easier to get closer again?” In essence, what can I do to pick up as soon as possible on moving forward in the relationship rather than just trying to catch up?
Sticking with the idea of drifts and currents, one of the most powerful currents around us is the jet stream.
The jet stream is one of those things that I don’t pay much attention to. I can’t see it, it is out of reach, and I can’t control it. The jet stream is constantly moving and it affects not only the weather (remember the arctic blasts last winter?) but also how long it takes for me to fly places.
Pilots chart their trips to harness the jet stream. Flying in the jet stream saves time and fuel (as long as you are going with it rather than against it). However, the jet stream doesn’t always go directly to where we need to go so pilots have to figure out when to fly in the jet stream and when to get out.
I see some ideas about restoring relationships from jet streams. First, there are some powerful friendship tools that we can use to restore our friendships. However, these tools come at a risk that we end up missing going where we need to go with our friendships.
First the power for good. There are three primary things that quickly bring people closer again:
The risk with the jet stream is that we may move quickly ahead but may not get where we want to go. The risk of some of these tools is that we risk things being superficial, unless we are purposeful in doing the hard things, too. It’s possible to use the “jet stream” and manipulate things, or be superficial and end up hurting the relationship rather than helping it.
At Project Patch, we have quite a few kids that come from broken homes and they’ve had parents that come in and out of their lives. The parents often buy them things, take them out for ice-cream, and make all sorts of promises. The kids want to be close and readily give their hearts to their parents. However, the well-meaning parent often doesn’t do the hard work of being there for the long-term and being a parent rather than Santa Claus.
The key is that there are ways to help rekindle relationships that are useful, but it also takes knowing when to get out of the jet stream and start doing the everyday things that relationships require.
[reminder]How do you quickly rekindle relationships and closeness with your family and friends?
[/reminder]
Posted: August 12, 2014 by Chuck Hagele
Connecting with Changing Kids
It’s strange that our kids seem to take forever to grow up, but at the same time, we blink and they are different. Our kids are constantly changing and requiring something different from us. As a parent, I feel like I’m lagging behind not realizing my girls are capable, maturing, and needing a different type of support from me than they needed even a week ago.
For example, it seemed like yesterday that I was reading silly stories to my girls and having a blast making different voices for the characters and helping explain things. Now both girls are reading books and some of the books don’t even have pictures, they are chapter books. I kind of miss those times and opportunities to connect.
Life has a way of constantly changing; and in a strange way as our kids go through years of dramatic development, we also are going through subtle changes. Things that bring us together lose their magnetism and other forces start to exert a stronger influence.
The Bible is pretty direct in telling us that this isn’t a problem; it is a plan set up by God in which our kids will separate from us and eventually join another. It is like a knife in which one relationship is severed to allow another to fully connect.
Our relationship with our children transitions from our kids being fully dependent on us to a point where we have to sever the dependance. However, the great news is that a new relationship begins forming, even at an early age; yet, it requires a severing of dependence to come into it’s own. This relationship is connected, not through dependence, but through love and free choice.
I want to also illustrate this idea by comparing it to a current. This current is one that is fatal to resist, but through change can lead to survival; not in the same place as before, but in a new place. This current is a rip tide.
Rip tides are strange in that you really can’t feel that you are caught in one until you notice that you are being drawn out to sea and getting back to land becomes a matter of life and death. I remember being 11 and watching my brothers and a friend being swept out to sea. In their case, a lifeguard with a boat and line towed them in and saved the day; but I remember being stunned how my brothers (who were great swimmers) were losing the fight. WikiHow has six steps for overcoming a riptide. Two principles stand out:
Too many of us try to keep things the same. And when things start to change, we fight the change rather than realizing that change happens, and we need to adjust to the change rather than kill ourselves fighting it. This is easier said than done because I tend to get frantic when I’m afraid. My girls are growing up and getting independent. They don’t need me as much as they used to and part of that makes it feel like I’m less relevant in their life. I constantly remind myself that I don’t fight their independence, I focus my energy on the important work of influencing their independence. Rather than focusing on keeping our relationship the same, I realize that I need to adapt and make adjustments that will lead to where I want to go.
So rather than fighting the loss of dependance, I focus on moving onto another plane which is relational. It isn’t friendship, but is a rich parent and child relationship based on love, admiration, and excitement to see how this capable person I love and trust handles it.
In summary, here are some things I’m focused on:
[callout]Question: Why is it so hard to admit our kids are growing up? How do you change as they change?
[reminder]Posted: August 1, 2014 by Chuck Hagele
Drifting Closer?
Wouldn’t it be awesome if people drifted closer rather than apart?
I was listening to a Michael Hyatt podcast (“This is Your Life – Episode 3”) recently and he was speaking about how nearly every area of our life is susceptible to drift if we aren’t careful. It reminded me of one of the funniest things I’d ever heard spoken from the stage at an alumni event at my high school. A rather large lady representing the 50-year reunion class was standing behind the mic and in a dry voice said, “A pound a year sure doesn’t sound like much…” It took a couple minutes for the audience and her to compose themselves.
Whether it is our health, finances, relationships, devotional life, garden, connecting with our kids, or a thousand other things, we tend to drift from order to chaos.
Neglect doesn’t improve things, and going with the flow has led me to many regrets.
I’ve done a bit of an inventory and noticed that I’ve lost touch with most of my friends, not because of a disagreement or choice, but simply because life became complicated and our friendship wasn’t a priority.
So, back to my question, stated differently. Is it possible to maintain our priorities in a world that has an imperceptible, but swift current pulling us away from purposefulness and into loss and regret?
To try to find my answer, I decided to take some time and study some different types of real currents and try to make some connections to “life drift”. As I studied real life currents, it became clear that there is a lot to learn from things like rip currents, jet streams, and rivers. But, before I spend some other articles writing about specifics, I think it’s important to realize that we are always in some sort of current.
I’m not sharing this to get on some theoretical or geeky kick, I’m sharing it because until we realize we can’t begin to get where we want to go until we accept that we are constantly being moved by different forces. I want to be close to my wife; however, our relationship without attention results in us drifting apart. I want to be an amazing dad to my girls; yet, they are constantly changing and needing different types of interactions as they mature. I want to lead Project Patch in an effective way and there are ways to move us forward rapidly, but in the wrong direction.
In all these areas of life, change is happening, and a key thing I’m considering is how can I live my life to take advantage of currents that bring me to where I want to go, while avoiding ones that isolate and wreck me.
Question: Have you been able to drift closer to the people you love and the things you want to accomplish? How? [reminder]