Summer brings back great memories of working as a camp counselor. I remember how much work it took to get the guys to clean the cabin for inspection and memorize a daily Bible verse for flag-raising. Hoyt, my co-counselor, and I discovered that the best way to get the boys to learn a Bible verse was to create skits and find short but memorable verses. When our cabin name was called, we “Men of Iroquois” would step forward, do some feeble attempt at acting, and then shout out a verse.
A favorite was Proverbs 26:11 ~
“As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.” We also loved every verse in the Bible that would rile up the girls, like: “As a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a woman…”
Kind of explains why I was single that summer…
This verse on the surface seems really funny, but as I’ve grown in life experience, it packs a lot of truth. We’ve all had those situations in which we keep going back to things that aren’t good for us. I remember a couple in high school and they were both great people, but together they were horrible. They kept breaking up and then getting back together, breaking up and getting back together. It really was disgusting and they just couldn’t walk away.
All of us would benefit from being able to walk away from those situations that trap us, whether it is some sort of compulsion or addiction, or even that “situation” you constantly find yourself in which always turns out bad.
It isn’t about teaching our kids to walk away from difficult situations or people, but we need to make sure that we aren’t repeating our mistakes.
Dr. Henry Cloud has a fantastic new book out called: Never Go Back: 10 Things You’ll Never Do Again. This book starts off by answering the opposite question: “When should I go back?” You need to read the book to get the whole story, but in a nutshell, before you go back, carefully answer the following three questions:
- How am I different now that would make things successful this time?
- How is the other person different now that would make things successful this time?
- Has the situation significantly changed that would make things successful this time?
This isn’t about hoping to change or wishing things were different or even a person being sorry. It isn’t about good intentions, but about results. It’s about measurable change and making sure that we aren’t going back to vomit pretending it is something worth eating.
I met Trouble the other day. Trouble is a three-year-old Wheaton Terrier who kind of looks like a massive teddy bear. In the two minutes that Trouble’s owner brought him into our yard, he sniffed at me, allowed us to rub his head, tried to chase a bird, sniffed a bunch, scratched himself, went pee, checked to see if my girls had food with them or just smelled like food, and chased his shadow. He was a great dog doing the things that most dogs prefer to do, which is whatever their doggy brains feel like doing.
Dogs live on emotion and I’m so much like a dog when I keep choosing the easy, “this will make me feel better” path. One of the most important things to help our kids understand is that they aren’t dogs, they are humans with the ability to not only have emotions, but also have the ability to be reasonable and combine these into wisdom.
Vomit looks great to dogs, but as humans we’ve learned to not go back to restaurants that gave us food poisoning, let alone gobbling up what our stomaches just rejected (okay, I think that was one of the most disgusting lines I’ve ever typed). Yet, major change only happens when we get to that point of realizing that what we want really isn’t as good as we remember or long for it to be.
Why don’t you take some time to ask your kids what they think Proverbs 26:11 means? If your kids are ready, I’d recommend you establish family accountability around this by saying something like, “If you see me keep going back to something that you know isn’t good for me, you can say ‘dog eating vomit’ and I’ll do my best to stop feasting and listen to what you have to say.” That won’t be an easy conversation, but wouldn’t we all be better off if we ate less vomit (okay, that is a tie for most disgusting sentence)?
How do you decide whether to “Go back”?
Posted: July 23, 2014 by Chuck Hagele
Telling the Truth
It’s easy to teach our kids to tell the truth, but it’s harder to tell the truth to our kids.
My wife told our girls that we’ll answer any question they have with the truth, even if it is uncomfortable for us and them. We have a lot of reasons for this, but two really are most motivating:
This seemed like a really reasonable commitment when we made it. However, there are times I’d prefer the easy route. I pray for an interruption, a distraction, or that Kelly will step in with her magic so that I don’t have to answer the uncomfortable questions. I’ve found that it is pretty normal for every parent to have some areas of discussion that aren’t comfortable. For some it is money, sex, past marriages, miscarriages, job-related stuff, spiritual topics, education, and physical problems. A few of these areas are hard to talk about because they are hard to capture in a kid-friendly context. Some topics are tough for us because we might not have come to our own convictions and conclusions. Other topics are hard to talk about because we know what the right answer is, but we have made a bunch of mistakes in that area and aren’t sure we have “earned” the right to speak about those things.
There are many reasons that I want to excuse myself from certain questions, but my commitment to share the truth with my kids requires me to engage in reality and forces me into discussions.
I’ve found, through “experimentation,” that taking a short amount of time to gain clarity on a few points before launching into an explanation really helps. It makes it much easier to tell the truth rather than fumble around and say stupid and regretful things that need to be corrected later. The following questions also help me balance sharing at an age-appropriate level and not over sharing:
I really like the “I Love Lucy” show and how funny it is to watch Lucy and Ricky have these parallel conversations. Lucy assumes one thing, and Ricky assumes that she is talking about what he is talking about. Neither one makes any sense to the other. The problem is that it isn’t funny when I do it. I find if I don’t take the time to slow down and get clarity at the start of the conversation that every talk about sex or other uncomfortable conversations become “cross-talk” rather than connecting. Instead of launching into “The Talk”, take a minute and say something like: “I want to do my best to answer your questions; but first, I’d like to know a bit more. Could you tell me what brought this question up and what you aren’t sure about?”
Once I know a bit more about the context, it’s easier for me to answer their specific questions rather than trying to anticipate their needs.
Second, there are fewer chances for lying when you are asking questions rather than being in lecture mode. Asking questions like: “What do you know already?”, or: “What are some things that you’ve considered?”, give you a chance to get to know their specific needs. Lectures make your kids not want to talk to you. They also put you in the spot that you have to be the expert and steer the conversation.
Finally, are my words matching up with my body-language, tone, and other nonverbal cues? I purposely assume a comfortable and open body position when asked an uncomfortable question, even though I feel like doing the opposite. My goal is to make it easier for my kids to ask the honest question, so that I can give an honest response. Don’t assume that it is easy for them to ask. However, you can make it less intimidating and “normalize” it, based on not only what you say with your mouth, but also how you respond with your body language.
Question: How do you make sure your kids come to you with their questions?[reminder]
Posted: July 2, 2014 by Chuck Hagele
Going Back to the Vomit
Summer brings back great memories of working as a camp counselor. I remember how much work it took to get the guys to clean the cabin for inspection and memorize a daily Bible verse for flag-raising. Hoyt, my co-counselor, and I discovered that the best way to get the boys to learn a Bible verse was to create skits and find short but memorable verses. When our cabin name was called, we “Men of Iroquois” would step forward, do some feeble attempt at acting, and then shout out a verse.
A favorite was Proverbs 26:11 ~
Kind of explains why I was single that summer…
All of us would benefit from being able to walk away from those situations that trap us, whether it is some sort of compulsion or addiction, or even that “situation” you constantly find yourself in which always turns out bad.
It isn’t about teaching our kids to walk away from difficult situations or people, but we need to make sure that we aren’t repeating our mistakes.
Dr. Henry Cloud has a fantastic new book out called: Never Go Back: 10 Things You’ll Never Do Again. This book starts off by answering the opposite question: “When should I go back?” You need to read the book to get the whole story, but in a nutshell, before you go back, carefully answer the following three questions:
This isn’t about hoping to change or wishing things were different or even a person being sorry. It isn’t about good intentions, but about results. It’s about measurable change and making sure that we aren’t going back to vomit pretending it is something worth eating.
I met Trouble the other day. Trouble is a three-year-old Wheaton Terrier who kind of looks like a massive teddy bear. In the two minutes that Trouble’s owner brought him into our yard, he sniffed at me, allowed us to rub his head, tried to chase a bird, sniffed a bunch, scratched himself, went pee, checked to see if my girls had food with them or just smelled like food, and chased his shadow. He was a great dog doing the things that most dogs prefer to do, which is whatever their doggy brains feel like doing.
Dogs live on emotion and I’m so much like a dog when I keep choosing the easy, “this will make me feel better” path. One of the most important things to help our kids understand is that they aren’t dogs, they are humans with the ability to not only have emotions, but also have the ability to be reasonable and combine these into wisdom.
Vomit looks great to dogs, but as humans we’ve learned to not go back to restaurants that gave us food poisoning, let alone gobbling up what our stomaches just rejected (okay, I think that was one of the most disgusting lines I’ve ever typed). Yet, major change only happens when we get to that point of realizing that what we want really isn’t as good as we remember or long for it to be.
Why don’t you take some time to ask your kids what they think Proverbs 26:11 means? If your kids are ready, I’d recommend you establish family accountability around this by saying something like, “If you see me keep going back to something that you know isn’t good for me, you can say ‘dog eating vomit’ and I’ll do my best to stop feasting and listen to what you have to say.” That won’t be an easy conversation, but wouldn’t we all be better off if we ate less vomit (okay, that is a tie for most disgusting sentence)?
How do you decide whether to “Go back”?
Posted: June 27, 2014 by Chuck Hagele
A Self Centered Perspective on Forgiveness
There aren’t too many things in this world that you can give to other people and get big benefits for yourself. Yes, there are some of you that really love giving gifts rather than receiving but I’m really not like you, I like getting things.
I’ve written a lot about the power of apologizing when we hurt other people. Today I’m going to share some thoughts on how to react to people that hurt us and how our response can be a huge gift to yourself.
Imagine yourself trying to get off the ground in a hot air balloon. I’ve never actually been in a hot air balloon but I’m going to imagine the process. I picture myself pulling on the lever that shoots flames up toward the balloon. The flame is roaring hot and the balloon above your head is pulling as hard as it can, yet you aren’t leaving the ground. You notice that tied to the basket are lines attached to heavy weights. You won’t be able to fly until these lines are untied. You may be able to rise some but you won’t soar easily until weights are let loose.
I share this image because it helps me think about forgiveness. It puts forgiveness into perspective for me.
My tendency when I think about forgiveness is to treat forgiveness like making change at a store. You grovel for my forgiveness and if I think it is worthy enough, I’ll give you back some forgiveness. More forgiveness is offered to those who not only ask for it, but really show me they are sorry and won’t do it again.
For some reason I came to the conclusion that I don’t have to forgive until the person asks for it. How do I know that I believe this? Well, for one I find myself teaching my girls this process in which one person ask for forgiveness, we make sure it is done with the right words and tone and then the other person give forgiveness.
I’ve been reading Andy Andrews book, “The Travelers Gift” as well as the expanded “The Seven Decisions” and number six of his seven decisions is, “I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit.” For the first time I realized that forgiveness has little to do with the other person and has everything to do with me.
I’m freed when I forgive the other person. The power of forgiveness isn’t limited by the other person even knowing that they hurt me, asking or even deserving my forgiveness. Like the hot air balloon, I’m being held down when I don’t forgive other people.
Andy points out that the Bible doesn’t make our forgiveness of others dependent on the other person. The choice and motivation lies with us. I’ve been putting off writing about forgiveness because it seems like teaching manners rather than a tactical move. I am finally writing it because I’m learning that forgiveness is meant to set us free and when things go really well, even the other person.
Yes, there is great relationships restoration when you forgive the person directly but not all situations require restoration of the relationships. I may choose to not have contact with someone for the good of both of us but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t forgive.
Why am I sharing this on this parenting blog? I find that I’m held back as a parent when I can’t forgive others or myself. When I’m living and hurting in the past, I have a hard time being present in the future. Also, we can help our kids thrive by helping them focus on things that bring life rather than destruction. Harboring anger and resentment will rob them of life and our job is to help process life’s hurts.
Here are some ways that I’m trying to teach my girls about forgiveness.
[callout]- Model it by forgiving people without being asked.
- Share times in which you let yourself down and how you had to learn from that and forgive yourself.
- Look for themes of forgiveness in their stories and movies and make it a point to talk about what that character believed about forgiveness.
- Ask them what they think about Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
[/callout]Question: How have you experienced forgiveness setting you free? What are you doing to teach your kids?