Todays Family Experience | Project Patch

Posted: June 20, 2014 by Chuck Hagele

Long Term Impact

I was lucky to spend the day with some of the boys from the Youth Ranch touring Mission Aviation Fellowship (MAF). What an amazing organization made up of people who purposely choose to do hard things. Before the tour I knew a little about the story of the tragedy when Nate Saint and four other men in their prime were martyred on “Palm Beach” by the Auca tribesmen. I don’t have time or space to tell the whole story and recommend that you watch the movie based on their story called, End of the Spear.

Here are the cliff notes. The men chose to reach a tribe known for their violence against outsiders. They had some initial success but were later murdered due to lies and fear. Their death inspired thousands to accept the call and dangers of mission service.

The rest of the story hasn’t been completely written because the power of love, forgiveness, and restoration continue. Rather than becoming bitter, family of some of the men continued their work by continuing ministry to the tribe. Rachel Saint, sister of Nate Saint and Betty Elliot, wife of James Elliot as well as others demonstrated love and the power of forgiveness that lead to the village coming to christ. Steve Saint was baptized by the man who killed his father and they have witnessed around the world about the power of God to transform lives, enable forgiveness, and create bonds of love.

As I toured the MAF US headquarters in Nampa, Idaho, I was overwhelmed by the power of conviction paired with action.

Why am I sharing this story? First, I find that I personally benefit from writing about powerful experiences and reminders. I’ve already written about my conviction that it is scriptural to think about stories like this that are inspiring, beautiful and pure and noble (Helping Your Kids with Nightmares: Planting Good Thoughts). It helps me and I hope you benefit from it. Second, it reminds me the generational impact that can be made by those who act on their convictions.

I’m thankful that not all convictions take us to the point of martyrdom. Yet many of us are waiting for big opportunities in order to be heroic. It’s easy to minimize the “small” acts of conviction as not as important or pivotal. However, the power of little decisions lead to those big decisions that can bring huge changes.

Let me share two quotes that I’ve heard recently that have guided me to the importance of starting small and acting on my convictions.

“I never would have been able to tithe the first million dollars I ever made if I had not tithed my first salary, which was $1.50 per week.” — John D. Rockefeller Sr.

“I know that may not sound like much, but we as human beings have an amazing ability to overestimate what we can do in the next year, yet radically underestimate what we can do with the next 15 minutes.” Robert D. Smith – Author of 20,000 days.

So many times I focus all my attention on end results without giving enough attention to the little steps that get me there. As parents, on the of the biggest gifts we can give our kids is the ability to value cause and effect. Most teen’s brains aren’t wired for long term thinking and instead the emotion of the moment tends to win. Here are some ideas on helping teach your kids to see the end in mind?

Don’t be afraid to share your goals. Don’t assume they know what and why you are doing things.
Tell stories of little things that make a big impact.
Model the value of little steps of conviction. Let them see how daily self-discipline and habits can lead to long term change.

Question: What are you doing to help your kids value of conviction paired with action?

Posted: May 29, 2014 by Chuck Hagele

Growth Enemy: Trying to be Worthy

“You’d better hustle!”

This is the kind of warning that I remember getting from coaches. Hustle is kind of a weird word. It’s much more frantic than hurry and has the idea tied to it of time running out and only getting one chance.

I’ve been reading (let me know if you get tired of this phrase) Brene’ Brown’s book, “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” and was struck when she wrote that many of us “Hustle for Worthiness.” I had to pause when I read this because it really captured the essence behind people-pleasing. I personally tend to be in the people-pleasing camp and have spent way too much of my energy roused on the hustle.

I remember a really strange conversation I had about 19 years ago with a burnt out and bitter pastor who was trying to finish up his last couple years before retiring. I had just started being a pastor a couple of months before in a church he used to pastor. He wasn’t a pleasant guy to be around. He came up to me at an event and said, “Chuck, people really seem to like you.” I wasn’t sure what to say and don’t remember my response. He then said, “You aren’t a good pastor if everyone likes you.” He then walked away.

I wasn’t sure how to respond. I really wanted to be a good pastor and just didn’t know what to do with his jab of a comment. Was I supposed to offend people to make myself a better pastor? Did approval mean that I was selling out? To this day I don’t know if he was trying to have some sort of ‘Yoda moment’ with me or was trying to hurt my feelings.

What I do know is that there is always a tension when we talk about people-pleasing, because on first appearance the only other option is hurting people. The script is, “If I’m happy and living authentically, then other people won’t be happy.”

What if instead, we focused on worthiness being something innate, that we are born with, rather than something earned?

People-pleasing and hustling for worthiness is a growth enemy. We end up using the resources, time, and energy all to convince other people of our worth rather than to live powerful effective lives in our worth.

I’ve seen kids act like chameleons and adapt every way possible to earn their parent’s attention and favor. I’ve watched parents cower and beg before their kids seeking their approval. It’s heartbreaking to watch because what the child and parent both want can’t be earned, awarded, or bestowed. It is accepted from God, not another person.

Crazy things happen when we hustle for worthiness. We end up becoming very vulnerable to negative people and negative things.

How do we communicate worth to our kids?

Separate worth from accomplishments. Too many of us only praise and gush over accomplishments and endearing behavior. Take time to let your child know their worth aside from their performance.
Put people-pleasing into context. Manners, respect, and honor are things that we give others because they are worthy. We can give them because we are worthy. I like the motto from The Ritz-Carlton Hotel which says, “We are ladies and gentlemen serving ladies and gentlemen.” Worthiness gives worthiness.
We strive, grow, and stretch ourselves because we are stewards of our value, not to become worthy. Some people accept their value and just kind of waste the impact that value can bring. Our call biblically is to invest our value.

How have you seen people-pleasing and hustling for worth impact your life? How has that impacted how you parent?

Posted: May 23, 2014 by Chuck Hagele

Truth is Stranger than TV

When I’ve watched people baring their souls on talk shows, I’ve often wondered two things. First, are these people and their stories real. Second, why are they sharing such personal stuff on TV?

I’ve never spent much time around “reality TV” or talk shows, and so I was more than nervous when I was invited to be a part of the Dr. Phil Show representing Project Patch. I was certain that we wanted to be involved, because it seemed like the only way to get this girl into our program that really needed help. It was clear that it was an answer to prayer.

I actually thought it was a prank call from one of our Ranch staff when the call came in. However, it became clear very soon that the call was for real and they were serious, and so I became serious, too. Four days later I flew into Hollywood, put on some makeup, and sat in the audience to help a girl and her family.

You can learn more about the show: “Troubled Teen: Who Will Take Danielle?”.

As I sat in the audience listening to “Danielle’s” horrific story, I noticed that I just wasn’t as shocked as the people around me. You see, I’ve heard so many stories in which kids do the most destructive things to get their parent’s attention.

I also wasn’t surprised by the utter helplessness that Jeff, the dad, was sharing. We meet parents every day that may not be doing the right things; but they care, are overwhelmed, and just don’t know what to do. Why was this family on TV? Because that ended up being one of Jeff’s only options for getting his daughter help.

Some people are on TV for fame, fortune, and ego. At least for one episode that I was involved in, we were there to get a mom to let her daughter receive the help she needs. Sure, it would have been great to do it privately, like we had been trying to do for months, but it worked! Yes, TV networks profited from the pain and drama of a family, but as far as I’m concerned it was a win for the girl, the family, and for Project Patch.

So, is all TV true? Probably not much is entirely accurate. Yet, I won’t always assume that things are less complicated than they appear. Some are much more complicated and dark than TV can capture. Don’t underestimate the challenges, pain, and chaos that teens around you are facing. Also, don’t look down on others just because they turn to TV to get help. Most people trust their media personalities more than any unknown counselors or organizations.

I’m thankful to be able to do my small part to help kids and families, and invite you to join us in this work.