Todays Family Experience | Project Patch

Posted: May 2, 2014 by Chuck Hagele

You Have Less Than 18 Minutes

Your kids can’t listen past 18 minutes

I’ve been working on my presentation skills lately and came across a book called, “Talk Like TED: The 9 Public-Speaking Secrets of the World’s Top Minds,” by Carmine Gallo. This book studies the most impactful TED talks and shares principles that every presenter can use to make a bigger impact.

For those not familiar with TED, it is a series of lecture events focused on learning from thought leaders in Technology, Education and Design. Each talk is limited to 18 minutes. No matter who you are, how smart, rich, famous, powerful or important your topic, it’s limited to 18 minutes.

Short, focused, memorable is the key to TED talks, and the more I think about it, it probably is the key for talking to our kids, too.

I was watching Andrew, a team member in the Boys’ Dorm, deal with a tough confrontation with a boy at our youth ranch; and what impressed me about their interaction — Andrew didn’t go on and on. He gave the kid plenty to think about in a short, focused, and memorable way; and then told him they would talk more the next day. Andrew clearly knew that kids can only process so much information at one time.

None of us can truly multitask. We can do two activities as long as only one requires focused attention. For example, I can walk and talk, but if I add in chewing gum, things may start to fall apart for me. It’s hard for adults to pay attention longer than 18 minutes, and even harder for our kids. It gets even more difficult if they aren’t sure where you are taking the conversation.

Tips for short and effective talks with your teen:

Let them know what your point is. Don’t leave them guessing about why you want to talk. It may sound something like this: “I’m concerned that you aren’t sleeping enough and I’d like 5 minutes to share why I’m concerned,” or: “I know you feel I go on and on about how proud I am of you, but would you give me two minutes to share a couple things I’ve noticed recently that I’m really proud of.”
Plan your end before you start. Too many conversations are great until the awkward end. I remember an epic conversation fail when I was a high school student who was very shy around girls. I approached these girls on the beach and gave a compliment thinking they would make fun of me and say something mean. Instead, they said: “Oh, that’s so sweet! Thank you!” At this point, I should have had a plan, but I didn’t; and so I just awkwardly mumbled some stuff and left feeling stupid. Maybe that story doesn’t help, but it is fun to remember; and I hope you understand that ending well is more important than starting well.
You don’t need to say everything just because they are listening. One of the good things about keeping it short is that it will actually increase your total talk time. Your teen will be more inclined to listen in the future if they know you respect their time and attention span.
Make it memorable. Great talks use visual aids, excellent word pictures, and engage the senses to hold their audience’s attention and drive the point home. Our kids are highly visual and as parents we really don’t often even try to engage more of their senses other than their ears. If you are talking about trust and “letting out the line” when they show trust, then why don’t you actually get a rope and demonstrate? Your visual aid doesn’t have to be perfect, it just needs to compliment the idea you are trying to convey.

Question: How do you hold your teen’s attention when you talk?

Posted: April 23, 2014 by Chuck Hagele

Changing Your Mind

That’s Not Fair!

Kids have an amazing ability to quickly judge whether something is fair or not. I remember my dad doing the cup experiment on us when I was little. Since it’s been about 36 years ago, I’m going to take some artistic liberty in telling the story. He set up the experiment by choosing three different sized of cups and then measuring the exact same amount of juice into each cup. Then he called us three boys over and had us fight over which one we wanted. I remember two things. First, as predicted, we wanted the cup that looked the most full, with the juice almost flowing over. Second, I had a sense that my dad was up to something and there must be a trick. As brothers we could have argued for hours and I, as the little brother, was determined not to get the small glass but before we were allowed to drink, he measured it all out and showed us that it was fair not matter which cup we were drinking from.

There are times that we as parents change our mind. We tell our kids one thing but in the end we do something else. This isn’t a problem for most kids if you say that you are going to eat broccoli and then have ice cream instead. However, they will react with great drama and pain if, instead of the promised movie, you spend the day cleaning out the garage.

One of the things we learn in life is that things don’t always go our way. When our girls were really little we told them that once all our Sunday work was done, we would go the the carousel right across the river in Portland. When we got to the mall, the entire building was gone. It was impossible to ride the horses. I did a quick web search and learned that there were no carousels within a days drive. The girls were devastated but there was no other choice than to figure out a “plan B”.

The two pressures on us parents is that we want our kids to be able to trust us. If we constantly change our mind, then they learn that we aren’t reliable and we set them up for not trusting or even worse, becoming comfortable with being untrustworthy. The other extreme is being caught up in fulfilling every promise insulating our kids from learning about reality. We forget that life is unpredictable and what is right for our kids may change. We have to constantly balance our grace and firmness for the best interest of our kids, even if it could seem unfair.

So, how do you change your mind without driving your kids crazy.

Don’t change for change’s sake. Life has enough lessons about change without you having to seek change to demonstrate that life isn’t fair.
See it from their perspective. It may not seem like a major change to you, but try to put yourself into their shoes. It also could seem like a major change to you and not be a big deal to them. When in doubt, ask.
Share your thoughts. They don’t know what is going on in your mind and how you may be not frustrated because you’ve already formulated a new plan. Take some time and talk though not only the disappointment but the process of considering and choosing another option.
Follow through. If you had to change plans and decided to do something ”next time”, then make sure there is a next time. Put it on your calendar right away and make sure to consider a couple options especially if what you are doing could be canceled again due to unpredictable things like the weather.

Your kid’s trust is something to not take lightly. They want to depend on you and you don’t have to lose credibility or trust when things need to change, as long as you communicate and connect through the process.

Do you remember a disappointing change from your childhood? How was it handled? Has it impacted how you deal with change with your family?

Posted: April 3, 2014 by Chuck Hagele

Do Good Parents Let Their Kids Blow Through Money?

I’ve been reading “Smart Money Smart Kids: Raising the Next Generation to Win with Money” by Dave Ramsey and Rachel Cruze, and just to make things clear up front, I think you should buy the book right away, especially since if you pre-order by April 21 you get a bunch of bonus stuff.

Dave Ramsey teaches that by nature, we tend to be either a spender or saver, kind of like right-handed and left-handed. Some are by nature more extreme to one side; but when asked, most of us know which one we are and also know which one our kids are.

I have both a saver and a spender in my family. We recently went to Chuck E. Cheese (not sure what the E stands for other than expensive (and energy-depleting.) Each girl brought $5 of their own commission money to spend and were going crazy running around with their cup full of tokens.

Now here is where my namesake mouse is a genius. The place tends to appeal to both savers and spenders. You spend money to get these paper tickets and when you save enough tickets, you can buy a plastic toy.

The girls were so excited about the games that they didn’t quite get the tickets. It was only when one sister started to amass a fortune in tickets that the other sister became competitive and started to play those games, too.

Our amazing spender blew through her money and our saver took her time and seemed to suffer each time a gold token left her bucket. Our spender shared tokens with friends and played at a fast pace. When the tokens were gone, she wanted more from her sister and her sister shared a couple, but then said, “No more.” The spender accepted this and watched for the next 20 minutes as saver-sister played. They both had about the same amount of tickets, but it took the spender all of 20 seconds to choose the rocket. Our saver maximized her purchase by buying two pieces of plastic and her favorite candy.

All in all, the girls had a blast and both were happy. Should I have spent the evening pacing my girls? Was I supposed to encourage the spender to slow down, plan better, and maximize her tokens? Was I supposed to encourage the saver to speed up, have fun, live a little?

No, not at all, because this was a chance for my girls to experience choices in spending.

Two concepts in the book “Smart Money, Smart Kids” are shaping how I interact with my girls and money.

First, I want to give them a chance to spend that will expose them to the joys and frustrations of spending in a natural way. Spending can be fun, and blowing through $5 of tokens is a great way to have fun when you have earned it. If I had interfered with how they spent, they would both have been frustrated and neither would have experienced the lessons of spending.

Second, as a parent, I need to teach things that go against the grain of our kids. Just like making the bed, brushing teeth and cleaning up dishes isn’t natural or fun, saving and spending are things that life demands; and depending on personality, we need to encourage. It was fun to teach my saver to spend and it was fun to put my spender in a place that teaches her to slow down.