Have you ever laughed at the wrong time? I remember sitting in church as a little guy doing my best to keep from laughing out loud before “LOL” was even invented. There are always funny things that are said in church that adults seem to miss, but all the kids get it instantly. I would get myself calmed down and things would be fine until I caught the eye of my older brother, and then I’d start the horrible process all over again of trying to laugh without getting taken out of the church by my parents.
It would seem like laughing at the right time would be some sort of automatic for us and not need to be taught. Things are either funny and make us laugh, or not funny and don’t. Yet, as I’ve been with my girls and watched other kids, I’ve come to the conclusion that knowing when to laugh isn’t totally natural.
I remember sitting in a theater watching a PG-13 movie that had some dramatic action and violence. It wasn’t a kid’s movie and I was really bothered to see some really young kids in the theater as the movie started. I forgot about the kids until there was this scene in which a goblin lost its head. The crowd all gasped at the same time, however, one of the kids began to laugh uncontrollably. I was stunned that a kid would laugh at something so horrendous. My assumption was that the kid was so desensitized by the violence that he thought it was funny. I now know that his laughter wasn’t the “Ha, ha, that’s funny” laugh; it was “I’m terrified and don’t know what to do” nervous laughter.
Nervous laughter has its source from anxiety, discomfort, embarrassment, or loss of control (Learn More). A classic example of nervous laughter is what happens when a very shy and self-conscious person becomes the center of attention. There is a disconnect between what we are feeling and the laughter that is coming out of our mouths. The problem with nervous laughter is that it tends to increase stress rather than reduce it.
The reason I’m making such a big deal out of identifying nervous laughter is that as parents we can react to the nervous laughter in a way that isn’t helpful to our kids. We wonder why they think it is funny that their brother just split his head open and start to worry that our kids are sociopaths. We interpret their laughter as callousness rather than a sign of sensitivity. Rather than helping our kids process their fear, we end up adding stress to the situation by yelling at them to stop laughing.
I’ll say it another way: “Criticizing kids for laughing when scared only makes them more scared, and scared of you, too.” .
Nervous laughter should be a sign for us as parents that our kids need some help processing their emotions. The key is to help them feel safe and then approach things by saying something like, “Wow, what just happened was scary to me, I noticed that you were laughing, but it seemed like you were scared by what happened, too; and instead of tears, it came out in giggles, were you surprised by that?”
One of the hardest things for us as parents is to react to what is going on in our kid’s hearts and minds rather than jumping to conclusions based on their behavior. We need to be helpful in both areas.
Now that we have a small grip on nervous laughter, I want to share a crazy theory that I have about how our nervous laughter impacts our kids. Have you ever wondered why kids will repeat certain horrible phrases, swear, or even become focused on talking about poop or body parts? I’m sure there are a lot of reasons, but I think part of it is reinforced by our nervous laughter as parents. We aren’t sure how to react when our cute little kid says something inappropriate. We may not be aware of how we show our emotions, but there are times that we show it with nervous laughter. We may be appalled or concerned on the inside, but our first reaction is a little, awkward laugh. Kids like to make adults laugh and so they repeat the phrase, or keywords from the phrase, to see if they can figure out how to make the adult laugh again. If they hit on the word again, there is a chance they’ll get another nervous laugh and discover how to be funny.
As a parent, we are reactive and things happen that we just can’t prepare for, and we react quickly when we are stressed. We can be aware, but I’m not sure we can stop our nervous laughter. However, we can take the time to explain to kids why we laughed when they said something, and that while you laughed, the reason you laughed wasn’t that it was funny.
These are hard conversations, but also are the types of conversations that you will look back on knowing that both you and your kid are better off for it.
I’d love to hear your feedback by commenting below. Do you remember ever being a nervous laugher? How have you helped your kids when they laugh at the wrong times?
Posted: March 14, 2014 by Chuck Hagele
Generous Kids
One of the greatest things about my job as Executive Director of Project Patch is that I get to meet some amazingly generous people. I’ve been left speechless by those moments when people give more than I ever thought possible.
I’ve held checks that had so many zeros on it that it could have paid for my house. I couldn’t imagine writing a check that big and handing it over without worry, concern, or control. I saw joy and humility in the giver.
I also held a handful of change and couldn’t talk or breathe because I was so emotionally touched by the generosity of the giver. I had shared about Project Patch with a group of ladies at a retreat, and one young woman with learning challenges went to her room, scrounged through her baggage, and gave all she could find so that families and kids could be helped. I think I met the great, great, great, great, granddaughter of the widow who Jesus praised.
I’ve also met people who give, not out of love, but out of obligation and guilt. There’s no joy in their giving.
Generosity isn’t just about giving at church or to a non-profit. It’s fun to be with generous people. They are great to do projects with and fun to be around.
Is generosity something natural for our kids, like the color of their eyes or a quirky sense of humor? Or is it something that’s developed, like work-ethic, forgiveness, and communication?
One way to start an argument with parents, teachers, and any others that work with kids, is to ask whether kids are by nature generous or not. If you are around two-year-olds for more than a few minutes you can hear them shout, “Mine!” It doesn’t seem to change much as kids get older, they just fight over different things. However, kids can be amazingly generous and selfless. They willingly give their time, effort, and reputation to help others. I’ve seen classrooms full of bald kids that had shaved their heads in solidarity for a classmate battling cancer.
Rather than solving this question, let’s agree that our kids would benefit as adults from being even more generous. Generosity attracts generosity and is at the heart of long-term success. It’s possible to become very wealthy at the expense of others, but it comes at a cost of peace, relationships, and security.
Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes 5:13–14 (NASB95), “There is a grievous evil which I have seen under the sun: riches being hoarded by their owner to his hurt. When those riches were lost through a bad investment and he had fathered a son, then there was nothing to support him.”
Like all things in dealing with raising great adults, a key is modeling it. I like how Henry Cloud frames hoarding as a fear that the future won’t provide what is needed. It’s the ultimate sense of poverty. If we act like you have to hold onto everything that you have now because the future will mistreat you, then don’t be surprised if your kids do the same.
Here are some key way’s to teach generosity:
The rewards of generosity are amazing and I’d love to hear from you how you’ve seen your kids be generous, and how you are encouraging them to be even more generous.
Posted: February 21, 2014 by Chuck Hagele
Your Kids Should Talk to Strangers
My uncle and aunt owned two Malamutes which looked more like wolves than dogs. I remember walking them down a path and I noticed something surprising, kids under the age of 5-6 didn’t seem to be afraid of the dogs, but older kids and adults stayed clear. The little kids would run toward the two “wolves” while their parents chased them in terror. The little kids would pull the dogs’ ears and give them hugs, but the adults were leery. It seemed like fear of big dogs was something that had to be learned rather than something natural.
Kids by nature seem to be pretty trusting. They don’t have good boundaries with big dogs or even adults. Since kids don’t seem to have natural boundaries, we as parents help them by teaching and disciplining them. I was at a park when my girls were about 3 years old. Another little girl was at the park with her grandpa and we were having fun watching the kids tear around the play structure. Our girls needed a snack and came to mom and me to rest and eat. The little girl tagged along and asked for a snack. We asked grandpa if it would be okay and he said yes. We sat on the curb and ate our snack. My girls got tired of the curb and decided to sit on my lap and climb on my shoulders. This little girl tried to join them. I had to tell her, “I’m sorry, I know it would be fun to climb on me like my girls are doing, but that is something that only my family does.” Then I told all three girls, “Why don’t you go run and play on the playground, so all of you can have fun.”
As a parent, we have to focus on helping our kids establish healthy boundaries. We may use words like, “Stranger Danger”, or other ways to teach them; but the goal is the same, to get them to be less vulnerable. Here is the catch, protecting them from strangers may actually make them less safe, and limit opportunities for work and friendship in life.
Our goal as parents is to raise great adults, not simply great kids (Read the post, “Good kids or Great Adults?”). Great adults have good boundaries with strangers, yet also can talk to strangers. In order to be productive, make friends, and participate in society, get work, and a whole bunch of other adult things, we need to not be afraid of strangers.
So how do you teach your kids to talk to strangers without throwing them to the wolves?
I don’t think we can ever eliminate the tension of walking into a room of people we don’t know or meeting someone new. However, by being a bit more purposeful, we can not only help our kids be prepared for being great adults, but I think we can also help them be less vulnerable to strangers as kids. A strong kid that shows confidence and social aptitude is much less likely to be targeted or groomed. So while it seems counter-intuitive, I believe we can protect our kids by teaching them to talk to strangers.
What do you think? How have you helped your kids become better at meeting and talking with people they don’t know?
Posted: February 13, 2014 by Chuck Hagele
Life Ready Kids – Know When NOT to Laugh
Have you ever laughed at the wrong time? I remember sitting in church as a little guy doing my best to keep from laughing out loud before “LOL” was even invented. There are always funny things that are said in church that adults seem to miss, but all the kids get it instantly. I would get myself calmed down and things would be fine until I caught the eye of my older brother, and then I’d start the horrible process all over again of trying to laugh without getting taken out of the church by my parents.
It would seem like laughing at the right time would be some sort of automatic for us and not need to be taught. Things are either funny and make us laugh, or not funny and don’t. Yet, as I’ve been with my girls and watched other kids, I’ve come to the conclusion that knowing when to laugh isn’t totally natural.
I remember sitting in a theater watching a PG-13 movie that had some dramatic action and violence. It wasn’t a kid’s movie and I was really bothered to see some really young kids in the theater as the movie started. I forgot about the kids until there was this scene in which a goblin lost its head. The crowd all gasped at the same time, however, one of the kids began to laugh uncontrollably. I was stunned that a kid would laugh at something so horrendous. My assumption was that the kid was so desensitized by the violence that he thought it was funny. I now know that his laughter wasn’t the “Ha, ha, that’s funny” laugh; it was “I’m terrified and don’t know what to do” nervous laughter.
Nervous laughter has its source from anxiety, discomfort, embarrassment, or loss of control (Learn More). A classic example of nervous laughter is what happens when a very shy and self-conscious person becomes the center of attention. There is a disconnect between what we are feeling and the laughter that is coming out of our mouths. The problem with nervous laughter is that it tends to increase stress rather than reduce it.
The reason I’m making such a big deal out of identifying nervous laughter is that as parents we can react to the nervous laughter in a way that isn’t helpful to our kids. We wonder why they think it is funny that their brother just split his head open and start to worry that our kids are sociopaths. We interpret their laughter as callousness rather than a sign of sensitivity. Rather than helping our kids process their fear, we end up adding stress to the situation by yelling at them to stop laughing.
I’ll say it another way: “Criticizing kids for laughing when scared only makes them more scared, and scared of you, too.” .
Nervous laughter should be a sign for us as parents that our kids need some help processing their emotions. The key is to help them feel safe and then approach things by saying something like, “Wow, what just happened was scary to me, I noticed that you were laughing, but it seemed like you were scared by what happened, too; and instead of tears, it came out in giggles, were you surprised by that?”
One of the hardest things for us as parents is to react to what is going on in our kid’s hearts and minds rather than jumping to conclusions based on their behavior. We need to be helpful in both areas.
Now that we have a small grip on nervous laughter, I want to share a crazy theory that I have about how our nervous laughter impacts our kids. Have you ever wondered why kids will repeat certain horrible phrases, swear, or even become focused on talking about poop or body parts? I’m sure there are a lot of reasons, but I think part of it is reinforced by our nervous laughter as parents. We aren’t sure how to react when our cute little kid says something inappropriate. We may not be aware of how we show our emotions, but there are times that we show it with nervous laughter. We may be appalled or concerned on the inside, but our first reaction is a little, awkward laugh. Kids like to make adults laugh and so they repeat the phrase, or keywords from the phrase, to see if they can figure out how to make the adult laugh again. If they hit on the word again, there is a chance they’ll get another nervous laugh and discover how to be funny.
As a parent, we are reactive and things happen that we just can’t prepare for, and we react quickly when we are stressed. We can be aware, but I’m not sure we can stop our nervous laughter. However, we can take the time to explain to kids why we laughed when they said something, and that while you laughed, the reason you laughed wasn’t that it was funny.
These are hard conversations, but also are the types of conversations that you will look back on knowing that both you and your kid are better off for it.
I’d love to hear your feedback by commenting below. Do you remember ever being a nervous laugher? How have you helped your kids when they laugh at the wrong times?