We continue our series of podcasts exploring vulnerabilities. Our vulnerabilities are being exploited by technology, marketing and people who don’t have our best interest in mind. As parents, we want to protect our kids from being exploited which is a good thing. However, what if we helped them reduce their vulnerability? Wouldn’t that be a better help?
Last episode (Read/Listen) was all about Loneliness and how that is exploited.
This episode we are going to focus on people pleasing. One of the difficulties with people pleasing is that it is very socially acceptable to be a people pleaser. It also isn’t always a problem with the behavior but has much more to do with what is fueling the behavior. For example, it’s good to do the dishes, volunteer at church, let someone go first. All of these are great if you are doing them for healthy motivation. These same things can also be done just to please other people, avoid conflict, or try to prove we are valuable.
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My Story
I should make you listen ( 5:24 ) but I admit in this episode that I struggle with people pleasing. I justify my people pleasing saying:
- I’m just being kind
- I’m being politically wise
- I’m being spiritually mature
- I’m being a good son
- I’m being a good friend
- I’m being a good employee (in my case boss)
All these things are “good” but what taints them is that I’m doing them for the wrong reasons for wanting to be accepted or feeling a lack of confidence.
It also is important to note that while the behavior of people pleasing can look very similar, the underlying reasons for being a people pleaser can vary.
For some, it’s looking for acceptance or desperately wanting to fit in. For others, it’s because of mistreatment. A child that has had an abusive or erratic parent can struggle with assuming responsibility for the mistreatment or abuse. These kids often think they could prevent drinking or abuse by saying the right thing or just keeping things calm. A child from a home with a parent who rages works hard to eliminate anything that would enrage the parent. While people pleasing may work in the short term to lessen some mistreatment, it doesn’t last and ends up becoming a problem in other settings.
Finally, people pleasing really is nice for us as parents because those kids tend to be easier to raise (in the short term). People pleasing kids mostly do what they are told and often can be corrected with just a “look.” Dr. Meg Meeker in her book, “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” tells the story about a dad that came to see her because his daughter had become very rebellious, her grades were plummeting and she only wanted to be with her boyfriend who wasn’t treating her well. He couldn’t understand how his daughter changed from a good girl, getting good grades, compliant at home and attending church to this new girl. Dr. Meeker shared with him that nothing had changed in the girl except her authority. Dad no longer held that position, the new boyfriend did. His daughter was a people pleaser which had worked out fine until she was no longer interested in pleasing dad and was more interested in pleasing someone else who didn’t have her best interest in mind.
How do you know if you or your child is a people pleaser?
There are several online “tests” which can help. Most are a list of questions and if you answer yes to most of them, you probably need to explore more about people pleasing.
Listen to this section: 13:11
Psychology Today – 10 Signs You’re a People Pleaser
Joyce Meyer Ministries – How to Tell If You’re a People Pleaser
The tests explore questions like the following:
- Do you pretend to agree with everyone?
- Do you feel responsible for how others feel?
- Do you apologize often?
- Do you feel burdened by the things you have to do?
- Can you say “no”?
- Do you feel uncomfortable if someone is angry with you?
- Do you act like the people around you?
- Do you need praise to feel good?
- Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict?
- Do you admit when your feelings are hurt?
How can people pleasing hurt?
Listen to this section: 21:10
We end up saying “Yes” to the wrong things. I know people who made major life decisions with long-lasting effects just to please parents or friends. These decisions include career, spouse and even having kids. It’s easy to start to resent the people who you were trying to please AND the people in your life that you chose. I’ve seen parents show a great amount of hostility toward kids they never wanted and spouses they felt forced to marry.
I also see a great disconnect between emotions and suppression of feelings. If you remember the episode I recorded with Marc Schelske (HERE), our emotions are guiding us toward taking action. There is important feedback in our emotions that protects us, from ourselves and others.
Another threat from people pleasing is that others miss out on “true you”. A big part of our work with teens is helping them see that they were created for a purpose and people pleasing diminishes our impact.
I’ve also seen an increase in anxiety in teens, especially the girls. There are many causes for anxiety but people pleasing is one of them.
Finally, an extreme example of people pleasing is split personality. If you are two different people depending on who you are around, then that creates problems.
How the people pleasing vulnerability is exploited by technology?
Listen to this section: 23:30
Social media is the easiest area to observe people pleasing being exploited. Facebook has its likes, Instagram the hearts and Snapchat has “streaks”. I’m concerned that teens our crowdsourcing their identity formation. It feels good to be liked and it’s easy to start chasing likes over authenticity.
It may be a bit harder to observe people pleasing in games but two things stand out. First, game makers are working hard to make games more social because they know peer preasure is a big part of them making money. Second, kids often gravitate to popular games over ones they enjoy. They do this because they want to fit in or have something to talk about.
I also see some very disturbing effects of people pleasing when it comes to pornography and teen sexuality. The Porn Phenomenon, a research study by Barna Research, revealed that 41% of women vs. 21 of men use pornography to “set the mood” with a significant other. Also, 34% of women vs 23% of men use pornography for ideas for their sex life. What this tells me is that girls are wanting to please guys and are learning a type of sexuality which is degrading, painful, vacant and not pleasurable.
Sexting continues to be a method used by teens and young adults not only in relationship but in order to start relationships. Many girls, as well as boys, report being pressured to send a picture even when they tried to say no. The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy reports 1 in 5 teens have sent sexual photographs to someone. (Read More). Peer pressure is always an issue but combining strong peer pressure with people pleasing results in kids doing things they regret and being very vulnerable to manipulative people.
Getting Help
Listen to this section: 31:40
There is help for people who struggle with people pleasing. There are not easy or quick paths but knowing you have a problem isn’t enough, you need to start working on some key skills.
Saying “No” is a good thing
You don’t need to explain your reason for saying no and are probably best just saying no. I find that if I say no and then start to explain myself, I often over talk and end up saying yes. If you are uncomfortable saying no in person, you may want to just say, “Could you send me the details in a text or email so I can make a better-informed decision?” Then once you are home, you can think it through and respond in a way that shares you are flattered they asked but that you also are working to fulfill your commitments and goals.
Work to develop your self-worth
I’m not a big fan of self-esteem work but am a big fan of hard work and accomplishment. I see a direct correlation between kids who get things done that they value. We work to fire up the cycle of Action – Inspiration – Motivation. As we take action, we are inspired to do other things, feel motivated because we know we can get things done and then dive into more action which leads to more inspiration…you get the picture.
Develop skills and confidence in conflict
Many people are people pleasers because they want to avoid conflict at all costs. Conflict skills aren’t natural. Most of us avoid things that cause us pain or discomfort. However, conflict can be a very helpful and necessary thing. We teach conflict skills at both our Youth and Family programs. It’s very important to learn how to stay calm and respond instead of reacting. It’s also helpful to be able to communicate your stance and needs. Finally, there are tools which make it easier to hold to your boundaries.
There are some Bible verses that also guide our thinking on people pleasing.
- Galatians 1:10 (NIV),“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
- Matthew 6:1-4(NIV), ““Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. “So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”
- John 12:43(NIV), “for they loved human praise more than praise from God.”
- Psalm 139:13-14(NIV), “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:13–14, NIV)
These texts tell me that God wants us to be authentic and not focused on pleasing people over who he created us to be. I also teach extensively on Psalm 139 during the family experience. Too many of us don’t understand the context of that verse or really believe we were created with purpose and intention.
Sheilds you can use to reduce your vulnerability
Listen to this section: 40:34
Many of these tools will be the same for multiple vulnerabilities.
-
- Weekly meeting with people – time to commit to plans and gain support, especially in saying “No” to the right things and making sure your “yes” is authentic.
- Exercise
- Journal your thoughts and experiences
- A book I recommend is, “Running on Empty” by Janice Webb
Upcoming Events:
I’ll be teaching The Family Experience on May 17-20 (A couple spots left), July 12-15 and August 16-19
Now go out there and connect with your family, we can help at Project Patch and Today’s Family Experience.
Posted: April 27, 2018 by Chuck Hagele
The People Pleasing Vulnerability:
We continue our series of podcasts exploring vulnerabilities. Our vulnerabilities are being exploited by technology, marketing and people who don’t have our best interest in mind. As parents, we want to protect our kids from being exploited which is a good thing. However, what if we helped them reduce their vulnerability? Wouldn’t that be a better help?
Last episode (Read/Listen) was all about Loneliness and how that is exploited.
This episode we are going to focus on people pleasing. One of the difficulties with people pleasing is that it is very socially acceptable to be a people pleaser. It also isn’t always a problem with the behavior but has much more to do with what is fueling the behavior. For example, it’s good to do the dishes, volunteer at church, let someone go first. All of these are great if you are doing them for healthy motivation. These same things can also be done just to please other people, avoid conflict, or try to prove we are valuable.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe: RSS
My Story
I should make you listen ( 5:24 ) but I admit in this episode that I struggle with people pleasing. I justify my people pleasing saying:
All these things are “good” but what taints them is that I’m doing them for the wrong reasons for wanting to be accepted or feeling a lack of confidence.
It also is important to note that while the behavior of people pleasing can look very similar, the underlying reasons for being a people pleaser can vary.
For some, it’s looking for acceptance or desperately wanting to fit in. For others, it’s because of mistreatment. A child that has had an abusive or erratic parent can struggle with assuming responsibility for the mistreatment or abuse. These kids often think they could prevent drinking or abuse by saying the right thing or just keeping things calm. A child from a home with a parent who rages works hard to eliminate anything that would enrage the parent. While people pleasing may work in the short term to lessen some mistreatment, it doesn’t last and ends up becoming a problem in other settings.
Finally, people pleasing really is nice for us as parents because those kids tend to be easier to raise (in the short term). People pleasing kids mostly do what they are told and often can be corrected with just a “look.” Dr. Meg Meeker in her book, “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” tells the story about a dad that came to see her because his daughter had become very rebellious, her grades were plummeting and she only wanted to be with her boyfriend who wasn’t treating her well. He couldn’t understand how his daughter changed from a good girl, getting good grades, compliant at home and attending church to this new girl. Dr. Meeker shared with him that nothing had changed in the girl except her authority. Dad no longer held that position, the new boyfriend did. His daughter was a people pleaser which had worked out fine until she was no longer interested in pleasing dad and was more interested in pleasing someone else who didn’t have her best interest in mind.
How do you know if you or your child is a people pleaser?
There are several online “tests” which can help. Most are a list of questions and if you answer yes to most of them, you probably need to explore more about people pleasing.
Listen to this section: 13:11
Psychology Today – 10 Signs You’re a People Pleaser
Joyce Meyer Ministries – How to Tell If You’re a People Pleaser
The tests explore questions like the following:
How can people pleasing hurt?
Listen to this section: 21:10
We end up saying “Yes” to the wrong things. I know people who made major life decisions with long-lasting effects just to please parents or friends. These decisions include career, spouse and even having kids. It’s easy to start to resent the people who you were trying to please AND the people in your life that you chose. I’ve seen parents show a great amount of hostility toward kids they never wanted and spouses they felt forced to marry.
I also see a great disconnect between emotions and suppression of feelings. If you remember the episode I recorded with Marc Schelske (HERE), our emotions are guiding us toward taking action. There is important feedback in our emotions that protects us, from ourselves and others.
Another threat from people pleasing is that others miss out on “true you”. A big part of our work with teens is helping them see that they were created for a purpose and people pleasing diminishes our impact.
I’ve also seen an increase in anxiety in teens, especially the girls. There are many causes for anxiety but people pleasing is one of them.
Finally, an extreme example of people pleasing is split personality. If you are two different people depending on who you are around, then that creates problems.
How the people pleasing vulnerability is exploited by technology?
Listen to this section: 23:30
Social media is the easiest area to observe people pleasing being exploited. Facebook has its likes, Instagram the hearts and Snapchat has “streaks”. I’m concerned that teens our crowdsourcing their identity formation. It feels good to be liked and it’s easy to start chasing likes over authenticity.
It may be a bit harder to observe people pleasing in games but two things stand out. First, game makers are working hard to make games more social because they know peer preasure is a big part of them making money. Second, kids often gravitate to popular games over ones they enjoy. They do this because they want to fit in or have something to talk about.
I also see some very disturbing effects of people pleasing when it comes to pornography and teen sexuality. The Porn Phenomenon, a research study by Barna Research, revealed that 41% of women vs. 21 of men use pornography to “set the mood” with a significant other. Also, 34% of women vs 23% of men use pornography for ideas for their sex life. What this tells me is that girls are wanting to please guys and are learning a type of sexuality which is degrading, painful, vacant and not pleasurable.
Sexting continues to be a method used by teens and young adults not only in relationship but in order to start relationships. Many girls, as well as boys, report being pressured to send a picture even when they tried to say no. The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy reports 1 in 5 teens have sent sexual photographs to someone. (Read More). Peer pressure is always an issue but combining strong peer pressure with people pleasing results in kids doing things they regret and being very vulnerable to manipulative people.
Getting Help
Listen to this section: 31:40
There is help for people who struggle with people pleasing. There are not easy or quick paths but knowing you have a problem isn’t enough, you need to start working on some key skills.
Saying “No” is a good thing
You don’t need to explain your reason for saying no and are probably best just saying no. I find that if I say no and then start to explain myself, I often over talk and end up saying yes. If you are uncomfortable saying no in person, you may want to just say, “Could you send me the details in a text or email so I can make a better-informed decision?” Then once you are home, you can think it through and respond in a way that shares you are flattered they asked but that you also are working to fulfill your commitments and goals.
Work to develop your self-worth
I’m not a big fan of self-esteem work but am a big fan of hard work and accomplishment. I see a direct correlation between kids who get things done that they value. We work to fire up the cycle of Action – Inspiration – Motivation. As we take action, we are inspired to do other things, feel motivated because we know we can get things done and then dive into more action which leads to more inspiration…you get the picture.
Develop skills and confidence in conflict
Many people are people pleasers because they want to avoid conflict at all costs. Conflict skills aren’t natural. Most of us avoid things that cause us pain or discomfort. However, conflict can be a very helpful and necessary thing. We teach conflict skills at both our Youth and Family programs. It’s very important to learn how to stay calm and respond instead of reacting. It’s also helpful to be able to communicate your stance and needs. Finally, there are tools which make it easier to hold to your boundaries.
There are some Bible verses that also guide our thinking on people pleasing.
These texts tell me that God wants us to be authentic and not focused on pleasing people over who he created us to be. I also teach extensively on Psalm 139 during the family experience. Too many of us don’t understand the context of that verse or really believe we were created with purpose and intention.
Sheilds you can use to reduce your vulnerability
Listen to this section: 40:34
Many of these tools will be the same for multiple vulnerabilities.
Upcoming Events:
I’ll be teaching The Family Experience on May 17-20 (A couple spots left), July 12-15 and August 16-19
Now go out there and connect with your family, we can help at Project Patch and Today’s Family Experience.
Posted: March 21, 2018 by Chuck Hagele
The Loneliness Vulnerability: feeling alone and under attack
All of us have vulnerabilities. While some vulnerabilities are common, each of us have unique vulnerabilities which make it harder for us to resist certain things or people.
As I teach parents about things like pornography addiction, I get parents that are focused on filters and at what age to allow kids access to the Internet or a cell phone. While these are important considerations, I rarely get a question about how to identify and reduce our kid’s vulnerability to things like pornography or damaging relationships.
Even though I’m not asked about vulnerabilities, I’d believe we best help our kids when we help shield their vulnerable areas while simultaneously helping heal their vulnerability so it is now an area of strength. This is both defense and offense based on our individual child’s needs.
This is the first in a series of podcasts exploring vulnerabilities that our kids and us as adults have that are being exploited.
I use vulnerability with the idea that it is a part of us that is open to assault and difficult to defend. The assaults I’m talking to aren’t physical but emotional.
What makes certain areas of our life more vulnerable?
Why I focus on vulnerabilities is that we live in a world where we are constantly being manipulated, some more obviously than others.
The goal isn’t to simply talk about vulnerability but to instead focus on healing vulnerabilities and building defenses.
This episode focuses on loneliness
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First – Loneliness is a feeling… a signal that alerts us of a need. Learn more about feelings from Marc Schelske. It doesn’t necessarily signal that we need to be around people. Brenne’ Brown talks about “That lonely feeling” that can easily happen when we are in a large group. The best response could be a bit of time on our own to recharge. It also could mean that we are seeking deep rather than superficial connection.
If the signal doesn’t get a response – loneliness tends to transition into depression – a place where action is very difficult.
Second – Loneliness is much about perception. People become more discontent and feel isolated when they perceive that others are more connected or stable. It’s easy to thin “I’m the only one…”
Finally, loneliness vulnerability to identify because we tend to dismiss it easily looking for another solution.
Loneliness is normal and is a part of life, yet if we don’t respond to the feeling we end up having a vulnerability that is exploited.
Our personality can affect out loneliness. Extroverted people tend to feel more lonely when alone. Introverted people tend to feel more lonely when in a crowd
Trauma affects our loneliness. Kids that put on a smile and carefully share their life but are afraid of people knowing the “real” them. Sexual, physical and emotional abuse can result in a distrust of people and avoiding deep relationships. We all have a deep need for relationships and community…and we have ways to cope when we don’t have a community.
Some ways that loneliness is exploited
Why I want to share about vulnerabilities
First – Help for loneliness – Psychology today “The Cure for Loneliness”
Biblical help
Shields
These are things to put in place to protect you while your vulnerability heals
Posted: December 19, 2017 by Chuck Hagele
Living On Purpose: Interview with Barry Ham
My guest today is Barry Ham. We recorded this podcast this past September while attending American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC.net) conference in Nashville. The sound isn’t great but the conversation was fantastic.
Many of you that have listened for a while will know Barry joined us back in October 2015 to record, “Getting Your Marriage Unstuck.” That interview focused on his last book focused on helping couples. Proior to that he wrote, “God Understands Divorce.”
You can learn more about his books and counsleling at his website ifitherapy.com
A bit of formal Dr. Ham is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has been working professionally helping individuals and couples for over 35 years. He and his wife Andee make their home in Colorado Springs, CO. His wife Andee is an educational consultant who has spent over 25 years in as a school educator. She has extensive training and experience with Special education.
This conversation with Barry focuses on his new book, “Living on Purpose” which just came out in December. As you’ll hear in the interview, I was able to read a pre-release copy and was thrilled to provide an endorsement for this book.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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Here are some highlights from the interview:
Why it took Barry over 30 years to write this book. 4:55
Why begining with God is such a key to this book. 7:25
Barry discusses how self-discovery is not limited to the young and infact may be a key to later life impact. 11:10
Second foundation – other people matter. 15:30
Chuck detours into a rant about parents teaching kid to find “The One” 18:00
Barry shares the importance of action in determining your purpose. 20:14
What Barry hopes you take away from this book. 22:05
How to use this book as a parent and with your kids. 22:54
Best way to purchase book – Livingonpurpose.net (Signed and Discounted)
Relationships Tip Tuesday: Send Barry and email asking to sign up. Email
No picture! – I meant to get one of us together but then we started talking again and forgot…
Upcoming Events