Posted: December 11, 2013 by Chuck Hagele

Life Ready Kids – The Foundation

When I was in high school all of us guys in my freshman class took a class called, “Independent Living.” The goal of the class was to teach us to cook and sew. I sewed through the tip of my finger while making a jacket. It didn’t hurt, but I needed my friend to turn the knob on the machine while I held my finger down to get the needle out. I also learned, when our cake blew up, that cooking isn’t a team sport.

The idea of helping high school boys be less dependent on mommy for clothing and food is a noble pursuit. However, there are a lot of other skills required to be a great adult. The rub is that some of these skills seem counter to something else we are trying to teach. For years, kids were raised in a “children are supposed to be seen and not heard” context that kept kids participating in a grown-up conversation. Yet, how can a child learn to be a good conversationalist if they aren’t included in conversations?

Things have changed a lot and in many homes, the adults are now the ones that aren’t seen and heard. The kids rule the roost, yet the result is the same. Kids aren’t being taught the things that will make them successful in life.

Getting kids to be “life ready” requires teaching, modeling, and coaching on the part of the parent. Some of it is taught, other parts are caught, and it always takes practice.

We are starting a new series on this blog focused on helping our kids develop skills that will serve them in life. Ironically, many of these skills are now being taught in school simply because kids aren’t learning them at home. I’m all for parents, school, and church working together to teach and reinforce these skills, but the main responsibility still belongs to us parents.

  • How to win graciously
  • How to lose without being a loser
  • How to negotiate
  • How to disagree without being obnoxious
  • How to make choices

There will be some added as we go. The key is that we won’t assume that these things are natural or inborn traits of us or our kids. These are skills that we learn, practice, and relearn over a lifetime.

So, what is the foundation for preparing your kids to be “life ready”?  They need to have a close relationship with you.  They need you to be present, available, and engaged in their life.  The majority of the kids we work with at Project Patch have been disengaged from one or both parents.  They carry an emptiness, longing, and insecurity as their foundation.   This fragile foundation doesn’t hold up well under the pressures of life.  It definitely won’t support them in relationships with others.  So, the key to working with your kids, and when mentoring other kids, is to focus on creating a healthy and supportive relationship.  I won’t go into all the details on what that entails, but it does require two elements.  First, you need to have that warm and supportive environment that supports good communication and honesty.  Second, you need to have boundaries, values, and convictions which create safety and comfort for the kid.  You don’t need a perfect relationship, but you do need to focus on making sure the relationship is predictably safe.

The question as we get started:  What traits or habits have you had to learn as an adult that you wish you had picked up as a kid?

Posted: December 4, 2013 by Chuck Hagele

Helping Your Family Find ‘Normal’ During The Holiday Chaos

My confession, I’m a triathlete who hasn’t been training as much as I’d like lately.

The second confession, we started a job list and commission program to teach the girls about money and it isn’t being kept up.

Consistency is hard work. Just when I feel we are getting consistent and our plan is working, something interrupts it. In my case, I’ve really struggled to keep my exercise routine in the midst of a bunch of travel. As far as the commission list, it was working great, but then we started school this fall and in our business, it kind of fell apart.

I just reviewed my calendar for the next few months and the one thing I can predict is that it’s going to be hard to be consistent. It’s going to be nearly impossible to find our rhythm as a family because of parties, church programs, vacations, travel, and a whole host of other fun things.

Kids crave two things. Consistency and inconsistency. A predictable environment feels safe, reduces anxiety, and helps develop cause-and-effect thinking. Inconsistency is fun. Most kids love the fun and excitement of doing something inconsistent. Try setting up a picnic in the living room for supper tonight and my guess is that your kids will be surprised and most likely really enjoy the absurd inconsistency of it. Too much consistency creates rigidity, and too much inconsistency creates anxiety.

So, as a parent, we have the joy of trying to balance both the need for consistency and for inconsistency.

During the holidays, inconsistency will no doubt have a natural advantage. This is the time of year in which we eat pie for breakfast, candy at church, and bedtime is a range. It probably is a time when we need to work hard at restoring some semblance of normal. There are other times in the year when we’d be well served to break up the monotony by adding spontaneity and disorder into our lives.

Here are several suggestions for keeping things in balance over the next few months.

  1. Accept that it is out of control! Things aren’t going to always be ideal and there is a lot out of our control. This doesn’t mean we don’t try, it simply means that more flexibility is required.
  2. Prepare ahead. One of the best ways to increase exercise in the morning is to set your stuff out the night before. That way, you have fewer decisions to make and are more likely to get out. The same principle can work for your family. Preparing ahead allows you to get something done as a family, even if you only have a short amount of time.
  3. Set priorities. It is easy to get in the trap of doing things just because they are traditions or you feel obligated. Instead, focus on a couple of priorities for each of you. Because we have different personalities, you may have conflicting priorities. Some may want quiet family time while others want a party. Sharing priorities helps us balance each other and sets the stage for step 4.
  4. Set some boundaries for your kids and yourself. They can’t do everything or be everywhere and neither can you. Sit down with your kids and plan your priorities and get them on the calendar.
  5. Schedule downtime and family time. Just like step three where you scheduled the zoo lights and Christmas program, schedule times which you save for your family and don’t program those times, just use them as times to catch up and be together, but apart from the holiday business.
  6. Get back up! Parenting requires us to make adjustments and get back in the game. I’m surprised how many times I feel discouraged and don’t want to go run or swim because I missed some workouts and am behind in my training. It takes a lot of effort to get moving again, and it is even harder when getting moving involves the whole family. The best antidote to resistance is to just start.

Question: How do you maintain some semblance of ‘normal’ during the holidays?

Posted: November 28, 2013 by Chuck Hagele

Family Stories

I learned as an adult that my grandparents had owned a Volkswagen camper van and had driven it from India to Europe. It was in passing that one of my aunts mentioned that my grandparents had owned a van like mine. I asked a bit more and the story trickled out that they had purchased the 1960’s era camper from Europe, had it shipped to India where they were missionaries, and then they drove to Europe.

This is epic. My brain nearly burst with a sudden realization that my grandparents had been adventurers when people quietly did amazing things without making a big deal of it.

VW Bus Journey

For those of you, like me, who aren’t sure what a trip like that entails, let me share a couple of key things. It is about 6,000 miles, and Google estimates it would take 112 hours and over 368 turns. It has a warning that the route requires passage on private land. Presently, it would require you to go through portions of Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, Turkey, and a whole host of former Soviet countries. There are also side trips to places like Iraq, Syria, and countries I’d include, but can’t spell.

Since hearing that first hint of their journey, I’ve seen one slide showing a white VW camper along a dusty, rocky landscape that could be in any of those rocky countries. I don’t know their route, the hardships they encountered, or how they figured things out.

One of the regrets of my life is that I didn’t know my grandparents as adventurers. My grandfather was an accountant and my grandmother had a fear of flying. If only I could sit with them now…but it’s years too late. My grandfather died nearly forty years ago and my grandma nearly 30.

My family isn’t the exception in forgetting to tell me about epic things from the past. Most people assume they know the important family stories, but few do. I’m going to write my theory in bold.

We rarely get to know people that we assume we already know.

Have you noticed how much you learn when you bring someone new and inquisitive into a family conversation? They aren’t afraid to look stupid or ask potentially embarrassing questions, so they ask all sorts of things and you end up learning a lot.

I remember a road trip I took with my wife Kelly’s dad. I learned a bunch about her dad and we had a great time. I assumed she knew all these great family stories and it slowly came out that I knew a bunch of things that she didn’t, not because her dad was hiding them, but simply because they never came up

Here is my question: Are you putting as much thought into your conversations as you are into the menu, football, and shopping plans? No, you don’t need to start an interrogation, but why not learn a bit more about your family before it’s too late?

If you do a search, you will find a dazzling number of methods for capturing your family story. Many involve using technology ranging from a digital recorder to video equipment. I think there is a time and place for documenting the story but don’t over-engineer this thing. Start with the following as a foundation and then build on sophistication like recording and preserving.

  1. Be open to learning. Your attitude of respect and true interest will set the tone for them to be comfortable sharing.
  2. Ask. It doesn’t have to be a perfect question. You can always clarify and ask more but start by showing interest and asking.
  3. Listen. The majority of us spend most of our listening time thinking up our response or coming up with our ‘topper’ story. Instead, listen and allow for pauses. Be comfortable with silence or interruptions. Do the active listening stuff, which includes non-verbal, listening posture, nods, rephrasing, empathy, questions, and appropriate laughing.
  4. Thank them. Affirm every chance you get and thank them for sharing. It isn’t always easy to be in the limelight or to be put on the spot. Don’t assume it is easy and so be thankful for what you get.

I encourage you to spend time this holiday season focused on learning your family’s stories, and don’t forget to preserve those stories by sharing them with your kids.

Question: How have you gotten your grandparents and other relatives to open up and share family stories? Do you have a great story to share with us?

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