I recently came across a list of the top 50 sitcom plots. It was fun to read because I could name several episodes of my childhood shows for each entry. The Cosby Show, Everybody Loves Raymond, Family Ties, Growing Pains, and other “family” sitcoms. They all follow a predictable pattern in which a family problem is solved in 22 minutes. There usually is a problem, misunderstanding, some cover-up or deception, and then the truth and reconciliation.
TV dads on old shows seemed to have a better script than in the modern shows. In the past, dad messed things up and then he fixed things. Now in the modern shows, dad is a bumbling baboon who just messes things up and mom or the kids fix him. I’m not sure how it is in your home, but the truth is that dads and moms play an important role in helping their kids solve problems and make decisions.
Kids regularly have problems or dilemmas, or even a conundrum. I personally like the word conundrum, because it sounds more fun than problem. The issue typically comes to you because they ask for help, you observe them struggling, or it escalates into a battle. If you have more than one kid, all the problems seem to come at the same time.
Our kids tend to approach problems much like adults. They typically are only considering two options. We follow a script that says, “I can do _______ which isn’t good, or I can do _________ which isn’t good either”.
A goal for us as parents is to get beyond only two choices. By nature, we tend to horriblize (not a real word) all our problems. When we see things as horrible, there isn’t any room for a good or “acceptable” solution. Henry Cloud, in his book Boundaries for Leaders: Results, Relationships, and Being Ridiculously in Charge
says that when we face big problems we tend to assume the “Three P’s” (The ‘unholy trinity’).
- Personal – I’m the problem, the screw-up.
- Permanent – Things aren’t ever going to change.
- Pervasive – It isn’t just this problem. It’s my friends, my family, my _____ …
Two choices reinforce the 3P’s.
If the Frisbee is stuck in the tree, your kids and their friends have more choices than to stand there and cry, or leave it up there and do something else. They can use a stick to push it out, spray it out with water, cut down the tree … There are always more options, not all good options, but more than two.
Having only two choices won’t break the 3P’s. Two options just feed into the idea that things are bad and that they’re not going to change. When we start to search for that third choice, something special starts to happen.
First, simply searching for a third option helps us realize that we aren’t screw-ups, but instead are capable of figuring things out. If a parent solves the problem, we only reinforce that they are screw-ups. Forcing the kid to think and be creative sends the message “you are capable”.
Second, the process of finding a third option forces us to believe that things are going to somehow change. The third option typically brings some hope with it.
Finally, the third option gets us out of the pessimistic stage of everything being tainted and wrong. As your kid thinks through options, they discover resources and options which are ready to help them.
I recently read about a little girl with a cleft lip, who had some boys at school make fun of her and pick on her. I can imagine how painful it was for her and for her mom to realize that she couldn’t protect her awesome girl from this sort of pain. This sort of situation comes to us as parents and things seem pretty bleak. Two options come to mind pretty quickly: ignore them or confront them. We tend to launch into speeches. “It was wrong of them to hurt you that way and they are wrong. They are bullies that feel good when they hurt people. They don’t know what they are talking about and you just need to ignore them to show them who is strong. They’ll quit when they know they can’t get you mad.” Or the opposite speech, “You know what you should do when they make fun of you, you tell them that they are jerks and should be embarrassed to point out things about someone else when their own faces look like vomit”. Sure your speech might be better and more mature, but I doubt that it will diverge too far from the ignore versus fight options.
I can picture myself as a protective dad wanting to take control of the situation to protect my daughter. However, most of my reactions would only ingrain the 3P’s rather than expose them as lies. As a parent, this is when it will take as much restraint as we can muster just to have a long and personal conversation. One that will encourage a hurting girl to develop a plan for dealing with cruel people.
There are “third options”. I’m not going to name them here because they have to come from the kid being coached by the parent. It won’t be an easy conversation and the third option may not work. Yet, you are laying a pattern which over time will be the foundation for responsibility and growth, rather than being a victim.
Question: How have you experienced the 3P’s and what did you do to break them?
Posted: November 22, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Helping Your Kids With Their Choices: Getting Beyond Two Choices
I recently came across a list of the top 50 sitcom plots. It was fun to read because I could name several episodes of my childhood shows for each entry. The Cosby Show, Everybody Loves Raymond, Family Ties, Growing Pains, and other “family” sitcoms. They all follow a predictable pattern in which a family problem is solved in 22 minutes. There usually is a problem, misunderstanding, some cover-up or deception, and then the truth and reconciliation.
TV dads on old shows seemed to have a better script than in the modern shows. In the past, dad messed things up and then he fixed things. Now in the modern shows, dad is a bumbling baboon who just messes things up and mom or the kids fix him. I’m not sure how it is in your home, but the truth is that dads and moms play an important role in helping their kids solve problems and make decisions.
Kids regularly have problems or dilemmas, or even a conundrum. I personally like the word conundrum, because it sounds more fun than problem. The issue typically comes to you because they ask for help, you observe them struggling, or it escalates into a battle. If you have more than one kid, all the problems seem to come at the same time.
Our kids tend to approach problems much like adults. They typically are only considering two options. We follow a script that says, “I can do _______ which isn’t good, or I can do _________ which isn’t good either”.
A goal for us as parents is to get beyond only two choices. By nature, we tend to horriblize (not a real word) all our problems. When we see things as horrible, there isn’t any room for a good or “acceptable” solution. Henry Cloud, in his book Boundaries for Leaders: Results, Relationships, and Being Ridiculously in Charge
says that when we face big problems we tend to assume the “Three P’s” (The ‘unholy trinity’).
Two choices reinforce the 3P’s.
If the Frisbee is stuck in the tree, your kids and their friends have more choices than to stand there and cry, or leave it up there and do something else. They can use a stick to push it out, spray it out with water, cut down the tree … There are always more options, not all good options, but more than two.
Having only two choices won’t break the 3P’s. Two options just feed into the idea that things are bad and that they’re not going to change. When we start to search for that third choice, something special starts to happen.
First, simply searching for a third option helps us realize that we aren’t screw-ups, but instead are capable of figuring things out. If a parent solves the problem, we only reinforce that they are screw-ups. Forcing the kid to think and be creative sends the message “you are capable”.
Second, the process of finding a third option forces us to believe that things are going to somehow change. The third option typically brings some hope with it.
Finally, the third option gets us out of the pessimistic stage of everything being tainted and wrong. As your kid thinks through options, they discover resources and options which are ready to help them.
I recently read about a little girl with a cleft lip, who had some boys at school make fun of her and pick on her. I can imagine how painful it was for her and for her mom to realize that she couldn’t protect her awesome girl from this sort of pain. This sort of situation comes to us as parents and things seem pretty bleak. Two options come to mind pretty quickly: ignore them or confront them. We tend to launch into speeches. “It was wrong of them to hurt you that way and they are wrong. They are bullies that feel good when they hurt people. They don’t know what they are talking about and you just need to ignore them to show them who is strong. They’ll quit when they know they can’t get you mad.” Or the opposite speech, “You know what you should do when they make fun of you, you tell them that they are jerks and should be embarrassed to point out things about someone else when their own faces look like vomit”. Sure your speech might be better and more mature, but I doubt that it will diverge too far from the ignore versus fight options.
I can picture myself as a protective dad wanting to take control of the situation to protect my daughter. However, most of my reactions would only ingrain the 3P’s rather than expose them as lies. As a parent, this is when it will take as much restraint as we can muster just to have a long and personal conversation. One that will encourage a hurting girl to develop a plan for dealing with cruel people.
There are “third options”. I’m not going to name them here because they have to come from the kid being coached by the parent. It won’t be an easy conversation and the third option may not work. Yet, you are laying a pattern which over time will be the foundation for responsibility and growth, rather than being a victim.
Question: How have you experienced the 3P’s and what did you do to break them?
Posted: November 19, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Helping Your Kids With Nightmares: Planting Good Thoughts
I’m not sure who has it worse during nightmares, the kid or the parent. Both are awake and tired. One is out of bed, cold, and can’t seem to remember much. The other is in their bed, scared and can’t remember much, either.
Nightmares are common to kids. According to the Mayo Clinic Article, they occur during the REM period of sleep and are pretty much like all our other dreams, except they tend to have some sort of disturbing element that continues to get worse throughout the dream.
Adults typically can figure out pretty quickly that the nightmare isn’t real, even if it seems real. We calm down and go back to sleep. But our kids tend to have more nightmares and continue to feel scared long after they wake up.
My girls remember a sermon in which the pastor told them not to think about the green, stuffed monkey he was holding. He said he would give us $100 if we wouldn’t think of the green monkey. It was a good illustration, except one of my daughters thought she should get paid. “Because,” she said, “I’m not thinking about the green monkey”. Once we get a thought in our minds, it is hard to get it out. This is true for good thoughts and for scary thoughts.
The problem with nightmares is that kids, at times, feel so scared that they either don’t want to go to bed in the first place, or they feel a lot of anxiety with sleep. If nightmares reach a point of being very regular and begin to become disruptive sleep, then it may be time to talk to your doctor just to make sure there aren’t other things going on. However, for most of us parents, there are some pretty basic things we can focus on to help our kids with their nightmares, and hopefully, as a result, get a better night’s sleep ourselves.
First, establish a nighttime routine that supports good sleep.
Second, make sure you plant some good thoughts in their minds.
There are many opposing theories for the purpose of REM sleep, but one that I find interesting is that it is a time for processing and storing memory. During REM, there is high activity in the Hippocampus, short term memory location, and the amygdala, the place where we react. If the theory is true, it means that during our REM sleep (the time we have nightmares) we are processing our thoughts. While this process is out of our control, they have also found that people that play the same video game before sleep report to have very similar dreams. One of the symptoms of PTSD is nightmares and interrupted sleep. Improving the sleep patterns of those suffering from PTSD has shown some promise in healing.
So, if you want your child to sleep and allow you to sleep, you may want to consider what you are planting in their minds. What do you want their minds to be thinking about both during the day and at night? One of the most powerful verses in the Bible is Philippians 4:8, which says, “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” This verse doesn’t tell us to think about such words, it tells us to think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. As a parent, we can help our kids by planting thoughts that are part of this list.
The process for planting the thoughts is similar no matter what the word, but for this example let’s focus on admirable. Don’t spiritualize this activity, but instead try to identify everyday people and experiences that are very real and tangible for your kids. Making this overly spiritual tends to make this too theoretical and less helpful. It may be true, but answering “Jesus” to every trait maybe isn’t what I’m suggesting.
Nightmares, just like dreams, remain a mystery. But you’ll get more sleep with some attention to bedtime routines and planting good thoughts.
Question: How have you been able to help your kids deal with nightmares?
Posted: November 12, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Tempting Shortcuts
I recently read a devotional by Carol Knapp in which she told about all the cars that fell through the ice near her Alaska home. The winter was unusually warm, yet many people were unwilling to adjust their shortcuts based on the thin ice. The easiest way to get supplies into the cabins around the lake was to drive on the ice; and the other option was a grueling, long trip by sled (not dogs, but snow-machine). That winter, vehicle after vehicle was lost because people didn’t want to take a long way; and, instead, took a chance on the thin ice.
Carol’s point was that shortcuts aren’t bad; but, they should be tested first, to make sure failure isn’t catastrophic.
Parenting shortcuts are all about getting your kid to do what you want, in the shortest and easiest amount of time. A great shortcut saves you both a bunch of hassle. For example, paying a commission for unloading the dishwasher is a great way to get the dishwasher emptied, without having to do any nagging or too much work yourself. However, a bad shortcut ends up in your kids not helping around the house, unless they are bribed. There are times in which it is really hard to know how things are going to turn out until you head down the road.
A bad shortcut ends up looking really promising but ends up taking more time and energy than you ever imagined. For example, it may appear easier and faster to respond with a simple bribe (game on the phone) when your kid is whining. But, next thing you know, she is being even more demanding and whining even more. I’ve seen little kids throw their parent’s smartphone during “whinny fits”. This most likely wasn’t the destination the parent had in mind.
The point of this post isn’t to make you fearful when you have come up with a clever way to parent; but, hopefully, it will cause enough of a pause to keep you from “losing your car in the ice”. While doing research for this post, I came across all sorts of parents who are feeling guilty because the shortcut they vowed to never take was: to allow their kid to eat at McDonald’s and to watch TV.
At Project Patch, we not only teach the importance of being respectful and responsible, we also teach that risk is a normal part of living; and, we need to not necessarily avoid risk as much as make wise decisions about risk. Shortcuts are risky, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t take them. It just means we should test, or study, them to make sure we are comfortable with the risk and can limit the risk.
In keeping with a compulsion for making lists, the following are several things to keep in mind when testing and deciding about a shortcut:
It sounds kind of formal and I’m not recommending this decision process for every decision, just for those that could have a catastrophic failure, or that seem to be too good to be true.
At the end of the day, this, like most of my posts, is written for my benefit. If you ever want to see frantic parenting, watch my wife and I try to keep one of my daughters from taking a nap. If she even has a short nap, she has a horrible time falling asleep and will keep us up into the night. Yesterday, on the drive home, she started to fall asleep. If I hadn’t been so panicked, it would have been funny to watch her strain to try to keep her eyes open. She was really trying but was losing the fight. In desperation, I gave her my phone with a video game. They played for about ten minutes and we were home. I was ready to chalk it up as a win. But then, we got in the car again, and not before long, she was working the angles to get to play more of the game. I quickly discovered that I had set a precedent that took a lot of effort to get back to normal.
Sure, it wasn’t a life or death situation, and the consequences of the shortcut aren’t major at all; but, it was a good reminder of the impact of shortcuts, and now I have a plan for next time she falls asleep. I’m not ready to make the plan public, because I’m still working through the steps. I’ll just say that I did have an option for yelling: “Bear!” but, I took that option off the table during Step 4.
Question: What are some great parenting shortcuts you’ve discovered? What are some that you’ve learned to avoid?