A dad told me the story the other day about his son’s unwillingness to admit he had a problem with pornography. He had plenty of evidence that his son had a problem. He had done so many good things by communicating lovingly, compassionately, openly, and clearly about what he was observing in his son. He made multiple efforts and had come at this issue from multiple angles. Yet, each time, he was refuted; and his son wouldn’t open up to the reality of his problem and seek help.
What do you do as a parent when you know your teen is facing a significant struggle, but isn’t ready to talk about it, much less get help for it? It isn’t just pornography. The list could include: depression, eating disorder, self-harm, addiction to games, drug/alcohol use, fear at school, poor relationship boundaries, or simply poor hygiene. As a parent, you know something is wrong and you want to help. But, each time you try, it seems to only increase the distance between you and your child.
Check your motivation, emotions, and insecurity. It will be a shock to learn about your teen’s problem. It may cause you embarrassment, anger, fear, and a whole host of other emotions. Your first impulse will be to confront. The only problem is that you may not be rationally able to communicate, yet. Take some time, talk to your spouse, a good friend, or a trusted advisor, just to make sure you are able to talk about it in a way to ease your kid’s fears, not just your own.
Learn more, and get support. The behavior you are trying to eradicate most likely is an outward manifestation of a deeper problem. Cutting is a way to deal with pain; and drugs, many times, are used for self-medication. Take some time to search on-line to learn more about what your teen is doing. Even better, find a support group, either on-line or in person, and get their advice before you confront your teen. Your first impulse is that you are alone and the only parent ever to have to deal with this. But, a bit of research will reveal that you aren’t alone, and there is help.
Figure out the most loving thing you can do. Your goal is to figure out the most loving thing to do to help your child. This may not be the easiest thing for him, or you; but, it is the most loving thing. This could mean a simple, warm conversation; or, it could mean being more confrontational. Teens fear overreacting, and will interpret much of what you do as overreacting; yet, that doesn’t mean they are right.
Don’t argue, just observe. Too many parents are looking for a confession, believing that admission will lead to quick healing and restoration. Focus on what you’ve observed, and your concerns. Arguments, manipulation, and threats are pretty normal when the teen is an addict or is caught off-guard. Focus on being calm, and keeping your emotions under control. This will reduce the likelihood that you’ll get drawn into a battle, or say things you’ll later regret.
Don’t label or dehumanize them — encourage their dignity. Yes, they may be addicted and/or acting irrationally, irresponsibly, and horribly; but, labels and inhumane treatment are NOT helpful. If you see them as a ‘loser’, it only reinforces how they view themselves and feeds into their hopelessness. The key is to see their dignity, even if they don’t see it themselves.
Set clear boundaries. You want them to know what you value. This probably includes honesty, trust, purity, and a home that is safe for everyone that lives there. They also need to know that they do have freedom, but that freedom also has a cost. Your job is to protect your home and them; so, there are things you can’t sit by and let happen. They need to know there are consequences you need to allow to take place, for their good and the good of your home. Boundaries need to be shared, based on positive things you want to protect. The result of their choice either supports that value or works against it.
Don’t be afraid to seek professional help. I am so impressed when parents seek professional help before things get out of control. Even if the teen resists getting help, you can meet with a counselor to work on strategies and your own emotions. It costs money and takes time. But, counseling and parent coaching are both very effective and provide support to you, even when your teen isn’t willing to get help.
You’ve been throwing life ring buoys to your teen and they keep swimming away from them. You are worried and have plenty of reasons to be worried. However, this isn’t the time for you to: be isolated, be paralyzed with fear, or give up. Jesus gives us a glimpse into what it is like for God to be a parent, in the story of the prodigal son. God, as the perfect parent, still had two problem kids. One, who left Him to party; and the other, who never left, but was full rebellion and lack of mercy. God knows what you are going through, and isn’t judging you. He is giving you an example. Rather than worrying what the neighbors would say, the father longed, waited, and prepared for restoration. And when it came, once again, he didn’t worry about appearances — he loved his sons.
Question: What was helpful for you when your parents confronted you? What do you focus on as you confront your kids?
Resources:
Alcohol/Drugs: http://intervene.drugfree.org/2011/02/5-lessons-i-learned-about-confronting-my-substance-abusing-teen/
Cutting/Self-Harm: http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/help_cutting.html
Eating Disorders: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eating_disorder_self_help.htm
Pornography: http://www.xxxchurch.com/parents/
Video Games: http://www.video-game-addiction.org/video-game-addiction-articles/six-tips-for-protecting-your-child-from-internet-addiction.htm
Posted: November 7, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
When Your Teen Won’t Confess
A dad told me the story the other day about his son’s unwillingness to admit he had a problem with pornography. He had plenty of evidence that his son had a problem. He had done so many good things by communicating lovingly, compassionately, openly, and clearly about what he was observing in his son. He made multiple efforts and had come at this issue from multiple angles. Yet, each time, he was refuted; and his son wouldn’t open up to the reality of his problem and seek help.
What do you do as a parent when you know your teen is facing a significant struggle, but isn’t ready to talk about it, much less get help for it? It isn’t just pornography. The list could include: depression, eating disorder, self-harm, addiction to games, drug/alcohol use, fear at school, poor relationship boundaries, or simply poor hygiene. As a parent, you know something is wrong and you want to help. But, each time you try, it seems to only increase the distance between you and your child.
Check your motivation, emotions, and insecurity. It will be a shock to learn about your teen’s problem. It may cause you embarrassment, anger, fear, and a whole host of other emotions. Your first impulse will be to confront. The only problem is that you may not be rationally able to communicate, yet. Take some time, talk to your spouse, a good friend, or a trusted advisor, just to make sure you are able to talk about it in a way to ease your kid’s fears, not just your own.
Learn more, and get support. The behavior you are trying to eradicate most likely is an outward manifestation of a deeper problem. Cutting is a way to deal with pain; and drugs, many times, are used for self-medication. Take some time to search on-line to learn more about what your teen is doing. Even better, find a support group, either on-line or in person, and get their advice before you confront your teen. Your first impulse is that you are alone and the only parent ever to have to deal with this. But, a bit of research will reveal that you aren’t alone, and there is help.
Figure out the most loving thing you can do. Your goal is to figure out the most loving thing to do to help your child. This may not be the easiest thing for him, or you; but, it is the most loving thing. This could mean a simple, warm conversation; or, it could mean being more confrontational. Teens fear overreacting, and will interpret much of what you do as overreacting; yet, that doesn’t mean they are right.
Don’t argue, just observe. Too many parents are looking for a confession, believing that admission will lead to quick healing and restoration. Focus on what you’ve observed, and your concerns. Arguments, manipulation, and threats are pretty normal when the teen is an addict or is caught off-guard. Focus on being calm, and keeping your emotions under control. This will reduce the likelihood that you’ll get drawn into a battle, or say things you’ll later regret.
Don’t label or dehumanize them — encourage their dignity. Yes, they may be addicted and/or acting irrationally, irresponsibly, and horribly; but, labels and inhumane treatment are NOT helpful. If you see them as a ‘loser’, it only reinforces how they view themselves and feeds into their hopelessness. The key is to see their dignity, even if they don’t see it themselves.
Set clear boundaries. You want them to know what you value. This probably includes honesty, trust, purity, and a home that is safe for everyone that lives there. They also need to know that they do have freedom, but that freedom also has a cost. Your job is to protect your home and them; so, there are things you can’t sit by and let happen. They need to know there are consequences you need to allow to take place, for their good and the good of your home. Boundaries need to be shared, based on positive things you want to protect. The result of their choice either supports that value or works against it.
Don’t be afraid to seek professional help. I am so impressed when parents seek professional help before things get out of control. Even if the teen resists getting help, you can meet with a counselor to work on strategies and your own emotions. It costs money and takes time. But, counseling and parent coaching are both very effective and provide support to you, even when your teen isn’t willing to get help.
You’ve been throwing life ring buoys to your teen and they keep swimming away from them. You are worried and have plenty of reasons to be worried. However, this isn’t the time for you to: be isolated, be paralyzed with fear, or give up. Jesus gives us a glimpse into what it is like for God to be a parent, in the story of the prodigal son. God, as the perfect parent, still had two problem kids. One, who left Him to party; and the other, who never left, but was full rebellion and lack of mercy. God knows what you are going through, and isn’t judging you. He is giving you an example. Rather than worrying what the neighbors would say, the father longed, waited, and prepared for restoration. And when it came, once again, he didn’t worry about appearances — he loved his sons.
Question: What was helpful for you when your parents confronted you? What do you focus on as you confront your kids?
Resources:
Alcohol/Drugs: http://intervene.drugfree.org/2011/02/5-lessons-i-learned-about-confronting-my-substance-abusing-teen/
Cutting/Self-Harm: http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/help_cutting.html
Eating Disorders: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eating_disorder_self_help.htm
Pornography: http://www.xxxchurch.com/parents/
Video Games: http://www.video-game-addiction.org/video-game-addiction-articles/six-tips-for-protecting-your-child-from-internet-addiction.htm
Posted: November 5, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
What to Do when Consequences Aren’t Working
I remember an experiment my brother conducted when we were little kids. He had done something wrong and was going to be punished. He had the brilliant idea that he wouldn’t be punished if Mom couldn’t catch him. He started running around the house, trying to keep away from her. Finally, he gave up running and learned that discipline doesn’t eventually improve when we run from it.
Nearly 40 years later, I think more about my mom than my brother, when I remember that scene. While my memory is incomplete, she didn’t join his game and chase him; instead, she waited him out and made sure he understood the impact of his decision. I haven’t faced that same experiment yet, but, I probably will, and I hope I react with the poise and focus of my mom.
One of the hardest things about discipline is that there are times in which it just doesn’t seem to be working. Even worse, it may just seem to be making things harder for you, rather than for them.
Here are a few things to consider if discipline just doesn’t seem to be working:
If you haven’t read it already, I suggest you review the series I wrote on overcoming resistance. Many times, just being more aware of resistance can help you overcome it.
I’d appreciate hearing from you about what you do when consequences aren’t working.
Posted: October 31, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Foolish: How to Discipline when your Kids are NOT Listening
Most of us parents still remember what a broken record sounds like. The same thing plays over and over and just won’t move on. Most kids haven’t heard a record-player, but have experienced the broken-record moments as their parents launch into the lecture about: taking more responsibility, being respectful, trying harder in school, cleaning their room, dressing modestly, being nicer to their little brother, taking care of the dog, or whatever it is that seems to require a bunch of nagging to get done.
Today’s post is a continuation of the concept of the Wise and the Foolish, by Henry Cloud, who captured it well in the book, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships that All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward
. The Wise responds to words and don’t postpone change. The Foolish, on the other hand; deflect words, ignore words, blame others, or procrastinate change. The last post talks about how to use words to impact kids who are wise and listening. Yet, there are times for our kids, and us as adults, when we either don’t want to change or just don’t want to change that now.
Henry Cloud really makes a point that Foolish doesn’t mean stupid or dumb. They may give you all sorts of compelling and believable excuses; but in the end, they need to change, and they aren’t engaging in actually changing. If you keep using words, one year from now, you will be in the same place; only now you will be more resentful and they will be listening even less.
So, if words don’t work, what works? The answer is simple, but not easy – life works! Personal experience with the reality of life can be a hard teacher, but is also a good teacher; and most likely the only teacher who can reach your kid who isn’t listening. Life has a reality to it that is difficult to ignore. There are a cause and effect that we may resist but still affects us. Gravity is one of those things that affect everything and everyone. Even when we are flying on a plane, we aren’t winning, we are just compensating for it. Life requires us to adapt our behavior to it. Life has consequences. What we do matters, and all our behavior has consequences.
The challenge for us as parents is to choose between two types of consequences:
Natural consequences are the things that will happen if we allow nature to take its course. Play in the snow without a coat, hat, and gloves; and the natural consequence will be a cold. Spend all your allowance at the carnival, and you won’t be able to afford the big toy. The easy thing about natural consequences is that you don’t need to figure out a consequence; the hard thing is that you need to figure out whether the cost is too high or too low? Are you willing to have your kid sick for a week, during your vacation, to teach him or her to wear warmer clothes? Are you okay with your daughter repeating the eighth grade? Does the kid need to burn their hand in the fire to learn not to touch fire? There are also times in which the natural consequence may not be readily apparent for a long time, and so the teaching may come too late.
Tom Sanford, the Founder of Project Patch, wrote about consequences in his parenting book: If Parenting is a Three Ring Circus: How come I’m not the Ringmaster? He posed, “If you didn’t cause it, why fix it? That is the responsibility of the one who broke it.” Spilled milk should be cleaned up by the ‘spiller’. Broken things should be fixed by the one who broke them. Too many times, parents step in, clean up, and fix things; and so the child doesn’t share in the cost of their own mistake.
If the cost from natural consequences is too high or too low, then consider a logical consequence. These aren’t direct results of the behavior; but instead, are consequences intended to create some thoughtfulness, and have some personal cost to the kid. For example: if your kid is playing around the fire and not listening to your warnings, then the logical consequence is that they may need to sit on a bench, away from the fire, until they are safe. Or even better, they may not be allowed to roast their own marshmallows, because that requires a respect for fire and an ability to listen, which they haven’t shown.
Logical consequences require a lot more thought and creativity on the part of the parent. The goal is to create an event and memory that will guide the child back to living productively. Tom Sanford writes, “Change the mistakes your child makes into ‘teachable moments’, rather than a time to release your own pent-up frustrations.” This isn’t easy, because typically when I’m disciplining, I want to feel better; and many times will create consequences that are punitive, rather than helpful. A parent needs to thoughtfully plan logical consequences that aren’t punitive, are fairly immediate, and can be logically interpreted by the kid to fit their behavior.
The great news is that for kids that are foolish, a combination of natural and logical consequences works. It may not be instantaneous, but reality has a way of requiring us to mold it. Consequences, just like words, must be done in love; and they may be difficult for your kid, but I’ve found that they are also difficult for me. It isn’t easy to see our kids suffer and pay for their mistakes. Yet, when they aren’t listening, there really isn’t any other choice.
In the final post of this series, we’ll look at what to do when consequences don’t seem to be working.
“Do you remember a time in which a consequence really impacted your life? Was it logical, or natural?”