Todays Family Experience | Project Patch

Posted: October 29, 2013 by Chuck Hagele

Wise: How to Discipline when your Kids are Listening

In the last post, we explored how we need to decide whether our kids are wise, or foolish before we discipline them. If they are wise, we use words; and, if they are foolish, we use life (consequences).

How do you use words to discipline? Like all sorts of parenting topics, it really depends on the temperament of the kid.

There are kids that “get it” when the parent gives them “the look”. These kids are really easy to parent; but, at the same time, can be really difficult, because they tend to over-react to the slightest hint of criticism. Their sensitivity may be so strong that they go into the fright or freeze mode (these aren’t typically the fight kids). For these kids, it really takes being aware of our volume and providing them a sense of security before you share your concerns.

There are other kids who treat the most direct communication as a suggestion, or opinion, rather than a threat. They need you to say it loud, clear, and maybe multiple times before they “get it”. A long introduction, and too much detail, lose them.

Other kids really need a lot of detail and get distracted by too much “fluffy” stuff. They are eager to learn, and listen; but, really want the facts and things that are observable. DISC with Animals - chart

The personalities of both the parent and the child really matter; especially when it comes to communicating and making decisions — both key parts of discipline. At Project Patch, we test all of our kids, and parents, in the personality profile taught by Ministry Insights. It is based on four animal types; lion, beaver, golden retriever, and otter. Each of us is made up of a combination of these animals, and the key is whether we are oriented toward people or tasks; and whether we tend to be slow or fast in our decision-making. For example: “lions” tend to be task-oriented and very fast in decisions. “Otters” are people-driven and are also really fast. “Beavers” are task-oriented and slower decision-makers. “Golden Retrievers” are people-oriented and slower in their decisions. God wired each of us with a combination of these things, and it affects how we like people to communicate with us, and how we like to process things.

Your “lion” kids need you to be quick, to the point, and not become all mushy. They tend to push back but will respect firmness and bluntness. “Golden Retriever” kids need to feel connected, and process in the sphere of relationships and how we impact others. “Otters” tend to like things a bit more playful, and will typically want to get your point, and then move quickly to something more fun and connected. “Beaver” kids will want to know the facts, be able to do some analysis with you, and then come up with their own strategy.

With all of these kids, you adjust to their need; and, because of that, the discussion is going to look and feel very different for different kids. We have many parents who come to Patch focused on the “problem kid” that doesn’t respond like the rest of the family. Many times, the personality test will show that this kid is an “outlier personality” from the rest of the family. They are the “otter” in a pack of “beavers”. They are the “lion” in the pack of “golden retrievers”. It isn’t that the kid is rebellious. Many times, they just need to process things differently.

Wise kids are ready to learn and are open to reality spoken in love. The power-phrase for the parent is: “it seems”, which often will unlock defensiveness and open up discussion. For example, a parent can say: “It seems like you have been really enjoying that computer game more than doing stuff with your friends.” What you mean is: “You are playing games too much, and are isolating yourself from your friends.” But, the “it seems” really seems to help. Kids tend to react in a way that focuses on your observation, rather than arguing.

Once you make the observation, give them some time to respond. Use listening skills, nods, “oh”s, questions, and paraphrasing, to keep them talking. The good news is that, during this conversation, they will probably come up with a great plan for moving forward. This great plan leads to self-discipline, which is a lot easier than parent-discipline.

Once they have a plan, wrap things up making sure you understand their plan and some sort of time-frame for it. If needed, set a time to revisit the plan to see if things are working. It doesn’t need to be some crazy contract or formality, but it is best not to leave things ambiguous.

Finally, once you have shared your concern, helped explore a solution, and agreed to follow-up, move on. Connect on a different topic, activity, or something else that shows you have confidence in what you both just concluded.

So, in summary:

Know your kid’s personality, and plan accordingly.
Lead with an observation, and try to use the words: “it seems”.
Use your best listening skills.
Summarize their plan.
Go on with life.

These are amazing moments of impact as a parent. It may be a bit uncomfortable at first; but the more you do it, the easier it will become for each of you.

Question: What are the personalities of your family members? Can you share a “wise” observation-conversation moment that worked for your family?

Posted: October 22, 2013 by Chuck Hagele

Question Before Discipline: Wise or Foolish

There is that moment as a parent in which your child is standing in front of you. They’ve just demolished something and you just don’t know where to begin. For me, my mind races to say all sorts of unhelpful things like, “What is wrong?… How many times do I need to tell you….” I want to pounce quickly, but if I hold back long enough, I get past those damaging impulses. But then my problem I get indecisive about where to start.

It isn’t just with kids that I hit that point where I know we need to step in and help but I’m not sure how. Do we talk it out, time out, use a consequence, or threaten with what Mom is going to do? Do I take away keys, have a heart to a talk, or call the police?

At Project Patch, we tend to see two primary extremes when it comes to dealing with a kid’s mistake or rebellion.

Overreact with a focus on punishment
Over talk without consequences

The first has a tendency to create fear in kids and while their behavior may change, they end up with a lot of heartaches and hidden rebellion. For example, some parents create all sorts of consequences when they discover their son looked at pornography on the computer. Yet they fail to ever have a meaningful conversation about the boy’s thoughts and reaction to pornography.

Parents that smash the cell phone the daughter took inappropriate pictures on but fail to talk about how it feels to have attention and be sought after. Consequences are good but don’t produce lasting change without meaningful conversation.

The second group or parents just talk and talk and talk. Nothing seems to change except the parent becomes more pleading or tries to bribe the kid. There might be some great conversations that end in tears and hugs but nothing seems to change. Promises are made but seldom kept. Parents have these sorts of talks all the time about boyfriends, excessive game playing, grades, cleaning rooms, and getting along with siblings. A lot of talking but not much change. Their kids aren’t being helped.

Several years ago I came across a business book by Henry Cloud called “Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships that All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward.” This book changed how I interact with my employees and has become a pivotal section in our Parenting seminars. It’s one of those things that seems too simple to work but I’ve found it to be amazingly helpful.

Henry Cloud from his study of Proverbs breaks people down into three categories; wise, foolish, and evil. I’ll provide a quick summary but please, read the book, it’s focused on business but will impact every relationship you have including your kids.

Wise people respond to words and don’t procrastinate needed change. They might not like to get this feedback but they put aside their own comfort and are shaped by the insight of other people. The wise aren’t people pleasers who change with every opinion but they actively engage in improvement based on feedback. This group responds to words and so the best way to approach discipline is to use words.

The foolish may be very intelligent but don’t tend to change based on words. They tend to deflect or push back on criticism and have an excuse or person to blame for everything. Their reasons and thinking may seem very believable but the reality is that they never change. The fool may also show great regret and agree with everything you are saying but they procrastinate change. With a fool, you end up being stuck in the same place even though you talk and talk. The key for fools is that words don’t cause change, only consequences, and introducing them to the realities of life.

Finally, there is a very small group called evil. I’m not going into detail about this group since it is so rare but you should read Henry’s book to learn more about how to deal with evil.

As a parent, our job when getting ready to discipline our kids is to determine what is going to be most helpful for our kid. Is it time for a heart to heart talk or a time for timeout? Do I need to take away their use of the car or can he change without me needing to drive him around for the next month? The key question is, “Am I going to use words or consequences” and the way to decide is to determine whether you are dealing with a kid that is being wise or foolish. The other key is to determine when consequences have been effective enough to start using words again.

In the next blog, we are going to explore how to discipline a child who is being wise and then I’ll follow-up with a post on disciplining a child being foolish.

I’d really appreciate hearing from you by commenting on this blog.

Could you answer the question, “Which tendency do you have, to “overreact” or “over talk”? What tendency did your parents or teachers have?”

Posted: October 15, 2013 by Chuck Hagele

Mind Reading

I was eating breakfast with a group of girls at the Project Patch Youth Program and somehow we ended up talking about reading minds. The girls were sharing their theory that when people know each other for a long time, they get to a point that they can read each other’s thoughts, or at least anticipate what the other person is going to do.

I asked the girls, “Do you think, in the best marriages, that husbands and wives should be able to read each other’s minds?” The consensus was “yes”. They said that if you really love someone, you should expect them to be able to know what you are thinking, at least most of the time.

I think the girls are right and wrong. In the best marriages and friendships, too, you learn the preferences, body-language, triggers, and habits of the other person. It’s sweet, in a “Hallmark-movie” sort of way, when I observe older couples dining at their favorite restaurants. They seem to have a natural flow about how they sit and arrange the table. They hand each other the creamer and sugar when their coffee arrives. Even more impressive — they hand the salt and pepper shakers without being asked. Magic!

Yet, some of the worst relationships I’ve seen relied on mind-reading, rather than talking, as the best way to know what the other person was thinking. These couples would react with fireworks because they interpreted the other’s body language, sigh, or blank stare incorrectly. It wasn’t that they didn’t know each other, like the sweet couple at the restaurant. It was that they expected the other person to know without words being used.

This is something many of us pick up as kids. My daughter had a “wound” on her finger, and was a bit “put off” when her well-meaning sister couldn’t see it; because, in fact, it was a very tiny paper-cut. Kids end up being pretty dramatic, with pouting, sighing and generally using a lot of drama when the opportunity arises. I’ve seen kids fall and then do a quick assessment to determine whether they are going to cry or not. Sure, they are doing a quick body-scan for possible injuries, but, they are also looking around to see if they have an audience.

Someplace, deep within us, we want people to know we are hurting, without us having to tell them. The reality is that the hurts that bother us the most really aren’t visible. However, how many times do we expect others to notice them and to draw them out?

There are really two types of expectations when it comes to mind reading. Neither one serves us well in relationships:

Expecting that you know what someone else is thinking.
Expecting that someone else knows what you are thinking.

Most of us guys would be happier if our wives didn’t carry the assumption that we knew what they were thinking. Yet, most of us guys rarely ask. We don’t ask because we are afraid of what will be unleashed, and also because many of us have a mentality that “out of sight, out of mind”, and, “if it ain’t’ broke, don’t fix it”.

I’ve struggled with this list of recommendations because they seem a bit ridiculous when written down. But, I still think they are potentially helpful.

Try these steps with your spouse, child, or close friend; and see if it starts a good conversation, and maybe some healing.

“I love you, but I can’t read your mind.”
“I would like to help you if you are hurting, especially if I’ve hurt you.”
“Will you tell me if you are hurting, so I can help you?”
“I commit to letting you know if I’m hurting.”

Yes, this may be an awkward conversation. But, the good news is that it admits the obvious, and sets your relationship to be way ahead of those that rely on guessing, or playing “couples charades”.

It also models to your kids a significant truth; that they need to take ownership of what is going on emotionally, and that asking for help is a sign of strength, rather than weakness.

Wise: How to Discipline when your Kids are Listening

Question Before Discipline: Wise or Foolish

Could you answer the question, “Which tendency do you have, to “overreact” or “over talk”? What tendency did your parents or teachers have?”

Mind Reading

Question: How have you been able to go deeper into your relationships by opening up your thoughts and hurts?