Do you have a friend who is really good at starting an argument? Things are nice and calm until he shows up and seems to find joy in stirring things up. On the internet, they are called Trolls and I thought I was being played by a Troll trying to get me fired up. I wasn’t expecting Andy Andrews podcast to strike such a nerve with me. He usually is pretty easy to listen to but on this podcast, he was getting me arguing. The only problem was that I was alone and arguing with myself.
In the podcast by (Episode 95), Andy said that the goal of parenting isn’t to raise good kids. He’s seen too many good kids turn out to be awful adults. As kids they were polite and respectful but given more freedom they ended up being terrors as adults. Instead, Andy says the goal of parenting is to raise great adults.
Okay, I tried to find the flaws in his argument and ended up agreeing with him. Yes, I love being around great kids but I agree that just because a kid is good at being a kid doesn’t mean he will be good at being an adult.
During the seminars I teach for Project Patch, I share a pretty simple drawing that tries to capture that the goal of childhood is to reach adulthood and upon arrival to be respectful, responsible, and able to handle risk appropriately. The role of the parent is to teach and mentor. The role of the kid is to take on more responsibility and independence. The relationship changes over time and the goal is not childlike dependence but instead independence. The parent moves from full responsibility to low and while the child moves from being fed, carried, and changed to being fully responsible.
I read an article today which discussed changes being made in Britain regarding the age of adulthood. The proposal is to medically consider adulthood beginning at age 25 rather than 18. (Article) What’s interesting is that this shift of personal responsibility is being drawn out further and further. The expectation is that parents provide a “good childhood” well beyond the time kids should be experiencing their “great adulthood”.
So why am I making such a big deal about the difference between a goal of good kids and the goal of great adults? Aren’t these in fact the same goal? The reality is that they are separate goals because the skills required to accomplish them are really different. When your goal is great kids the focus is short term and the overall responsibility and decision making rests on the parents. It is the parent’s overall guidance and works at that very moment that is making her good. When the focus is on great adults, each moment, activity, accomplishment, and setback is from the perspective of adulthood. The goal is to learn and adjust at the moment not just to create temporary peace but to more importantly make a lasting impact. This doesn’t mean that we are cold and calculated with our kids but it does mean that we keep in mind that she needs to be prepared for life on her own.
Parenting with a goal in mind is key because it forces us to go beyond our comfort zone as parents. We want to shield and protect yet without a long term goal in mind may end up stunting the maturity of our kids based on our fears. On the other extreme parents who don’t see an end in sight and so they live self-centered lives and are neglectful of their kids. Parenting with the end in mind acknowledges that our time is short and that we have a lot of work to do with our kids and the clock is not forgiving.
What do you think about the difference between raising good kids and raising great adults? Which goal do you think is more important?
Posted: October 1, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
No Shortcuts
I’d never been to the camp before and was surprised when my GPS said I still had an hour drive after I reached the middle of nowhere. So I drove down this lonely road. It was an amazing drive and I stopped several times to take pictures. I eventually reached the camp and was stunned at the oasis for youth that Young Life built. When planning to leave, I asked if there was an easier way to get to civilization. The answer, “one way in, one way out”. There was a back way but it was closed because it wasn’t safe anymore…and, it went in the opposite direction from civilization.
As I traveled out on Sunday, following a parade of buses, it reminded me that certain key destinations in parenting also don’t have shortcuts. The long way is the only way.
I had the privileged of meeting and sharing our seminar on technology with Dr. Mark Lasser, President, and Director of Faithful & True. I asked where Project Patch should focus on helping parents in the area of protecting their kids from pornography and it came down to two things.
Without these two things in place, no amount of monitoring, education, or discipline will help stem the tide of the pornography plague. There aren’t any shortcuts to a parent’s purity. It requires work, time, focus, and a lot of attention. There also aren’t any shortcuts to having a close relationship with your child. It takes time to build trust, gain understanding, and be able to communicate clearly. It takes what Emerson Eggerichs calls “Face to Face” time and a lot of “Shoulder to Shoulder” time. Face to face time is that intense conversation that most women crave. It is discussion and feedback eye to eye. Most men crave shoulder to shoulder time in which you are more focused on doing and togetherness rather than talking. There is no shortcut to talking with your kids without distraction and also doing things and being together.
I’m not writing this to discourage you, because the good news is that now is the best time to start to journey. Stop looking for shortcuts and start driving. I’ve spent hours trying to search for shortcuts that don’t exist. Once I finally do the job the long way, I discover that it wasn’t that long and I should have just done it that way in the first place. So get going, put time on our schedule for both shoulder to shoulder time as well as time for face to face conversation. Also, if you are needing help with your own purity, take a look at the resources that Dr. Mark Lasser has available.
Get going, you won’t regret the trip.
Question: Why do we avoid the hard work and look for easy solutions when it comes to topics like pornography, gaming, and other parenting challenges?
Posted: September 26, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
What’s Your Goal? Good Kids or Great Adults?
Do you have a friend who is really good at starting an argument? Things are nice and calm until he shows up and seems to find joy in stirring things up. On the internet, they are called Trolls and I thought I was being played by a Troll trying to get me fired up. I wasn’t expecting Andy Andrews podcast to strike such a nerve with me. He usually is pretty easy to listen to but on this podcast, he was getting me arguing. The only problem was that I was alone and arguing with myself.
In the podcast by (Episode 95), Andy said that the goal of parenting isn’t to raise good kids. He’s seen too many good kids turn out to be awful adults. As kids they were polite and respectful but given more freedom they ended up being terrors as adults. Instead, Andy says the goal of parenting is to raise great adults.
Okay, I tried to find the flaws in his argument and ended up agreeing with him. Yes, I love being around great kids but I agree that just because a kid is good at being a kid doesn’t mean he will be good at being an adult.
During the seminars I teach for Project Patch, I share a pretty simple drawing that tries to capture that the goal of childhood is to reach adulthood and upon arrival to be respectful, responsible, and able to handle risk appropriately. The role of the parent is to teach and mentor. The role of the kid is to take on more responsibility and independence. The relationship changes over time and the goal is not childlike dependence but instead independence. The parent moves from full responsibility to low and while the child moves from being fed, carried, and changed to being fully responsible.
I read an article today which discussed changes being made in Britain regarding the age of adulthood. The proposal is to medically consider adulthood beginning at age 25 rather than 18. (Article) What’s interesting is that this shift of personal responsibility is being drawn out further and further. The expectation is that parents provide a “good childhood” well beyond the time kids should be experiencing their “great adulthood”.
So why am I making such a big deal about the difference between a goal of good kids and the goal of great adults? Aren’t these in fact the same goal? The reality is that they are separate goals because the skills required to accomplish them are really different. When your goal is great kids the focus is short term and the overall responsibility and decision making rests on the parents. It is the parent’s overall guidance and works at that very moment that is making her good. When the focus is on great adults, each moment, activity, accomplishment, and setback is from the perspective of adulthood. The goal is to learn and adjust at the moment not just to create temporary peace but to more importantly make a lasting impact. This doesn’t mean that we are cold and calculated with our kids but it does mean that we keep in mind that she needs to be prepared for life on her own.
Parenting with a goal in mind is key because it forces us to go beyond our comfort zone as parents. We want to shield and protect yet without a long term goal in mind may end up stunting the maturity of our kids based on our fears. On the other extreme parents who don’t see an end in sight and so they live self-centered lives and are neglectful of their kids. Parenting with the end in mind acknowledges that our time is short and that we have a lot of work to do with our kids and the clock is not forgiving.
What do you think about the difference between raising good kids and raising great adults? Which goal do you think is more important?
Posted: September 24, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
The Power of Repeating Important Things
I was in Nashville a couple of weeks ago and finally got the chance to stop by Financial Peace Plaza. I had four goals and I’ll leave it up to you to guess the order of importance to me.
First, they have a lot of choices for cookies. They bake a bunch of Otis Spunklemyer cookies which are good but nothing compared to the yummy apple cinnamon bars that Martha made from scratch.
Second, I’m not one that orders fancy coffee too often but they had this nice little sign with a bunch of options. I decided to have the Almond Dark Chocolate Mocha. I think free coffee is amazing enough on its own but my mind was blown when she made this amazing little leaf pattern in the foam.
Third, I did meet Dave Ramsey during a break and while I don’t have a plan in place yet to make it easy and affordable for families to attend FPU while their teen attends Project Patch, we are one step closer down that path.
Finally, I ignored all the other people around me as I watched dave through the glass of the studio window as he opened his show. I heard the familiar words,
“Live from Finacial Peace Plaza it’s the Dave Ramsey show where debt is dumb, cash is king, and the paid-off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice…”
I was surprised to see his lips moving. He was actually talking into the mic. I couldn’t believe he says that phrase over and over and over again. I probably would have recorded it and just pushed a button but Dave Ramsey chose to repeat the phrase over and over. I watched him again as he returned from commercial break and once again, his lips were moving.
I could email or call Dave Ramsey and try to ask why he repeats the phrase every time but instead, I’m going to just throw my theory out to you. He knows how powerful it is to repeat important things.
Repetition is important in two ways.
There are those people out there that think things should only be repeated once. That repeating isn’t necessary and if they didn’t hear it the first time, tough luck. They also think talking to one’s self is crazy. Which really isn’t true, you are only crazy if you argue out loud with yourself. To those people I repeatedly say, repetition is powerful, you need to use it more, you need to use it more.
The reality is that we often lack personal direction and our relationships are uncertain. The power of repletion gives you relationship power that is undeniable.
So what should you be repeating to your kids and spouse? What do you need to be reminded about in that specific relationship? What foundation do they need to hear?
I’m not suggesting you be a thoughtless robot but instead, I’d like you to consider being a bit more like Dave and intentionally enter into key relationship moments with a reminder to yourself and the ones you love.
What do you long to hear? What reminder do you need?