This post was written by Jim Smith, a long time friend of Project Patch who worked as a therapist at our Youth Ranch and helped launch our Family Experience. He no longer works at Project Patch but continues to serve families, teens, and equip the church for ministry.
Friendships: How They Contribute To Long and Happy Living
“The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.”
– Mark Twain – The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson
Hmmm, money has probably spoiled not a few friendships but I think he has it right when he describes friendship as a holy passion that, ideally, will last a lifetime. Do you have friendships like that? I have a small number of those “lifetime” friends and I think that is the way it is for most of us. Most of our relationships can’t qualify for the “sweet and steady and loyal and enduring…nature,” of a lifetime friendship.
I came across an interesting study, “Effect of social networks on 10-year survival in very old Australians: the Australian longitudinal study of aging.” A study was done by Lynne C Giles, Gary F V Glonek, Mary A Luszcz, Gary R Andrews, and published here. This study revealed that older people with a large circle of friends were 22 percent less likely to die during the study period for this article than those with fewer friends.
In a recent book, “The Girls From Ames: A Story of Women and a 40-Year Friendship” (Gotham), Jeffrey Zaslow tells the story of 11 childhood friends who scattered from Iowa to eight different states. He writes that despite the distance, their friendships endured through college and marriage, divorce, and other crises, including the death of one of the women in her 20s. The point of the book is that the lives of all the women were better because of these enduring and dependable friendships.
The book also lists other studies that provide lots of data that indicate people are happier and even live longer when they have a circle of friends that provide support, wise counsel, and unconditional acceptance, even if those friendships are long distance.
A wise man named Solomon wrote, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17 ESV
I am happier when I am around good friends. I feel more content, more at peace. Studies show these kinds of feelings lead to the release of hormones in our brain that gives us a sense of well-being and even invigorates our immune system.
The old adage is that if you want a friend, be a friend. I talked with one of my good friends through a video chat yesterday. It was good to see him and I could tell that seeing me brought pleasure to him. If we open ourselves up to these kinds of great friendships, it means we are also opening ourselves up to what is happening or going to happen in their lives. Will we be there? Even when their lives become a bit messy, will we be there?
Good, then you are a…friend!
How has friendship impacted your life?
Posted: September 10, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
When Your Stress Becomes Their Stress
I fly quite a bit and most of the time I’m flying alone. It’s pretty easy to fly alone. I can find a seat in a crowded terminal and I don’t have much stuff to look after.
However, I know what it’s like to fly with kids. We’ve flown domestic and international with our girls. We’ve flown on little planes and the huge ones with meals and lack of sleep. We’ve had smooth flights and ones that made my girls giggle with glee due to bumps while other passengers were terrified.
We’re pretty good travelers once we are in the air but it still can bring out the worst in us. I’ve learned something from the way they act when we are flying. They act up when we’re leaving the house, they become really cranky in security, and then we seem to have an emergency just when we are trying to get all our stuff together and get on the plane. If we are racing to the gate they seem to find an even slower gear and it isn’t unusual for one or both girls to cry, pout, or scream.
What makes this strange is that my girls don’t normally act this way. I’ve seen other perfectly reasonable kids do the same thing. And I think I’ve found the secret to their behavior: ME!
I tend to get a bit stressed during the pre-flight process. I love to fly but I run a low (my wife would say high) level of impatience and jitteriness up until the time that I’m in my seat and the door is closed. I’m the guy that needs to be at the airport over an hour before departure. I have a system to get through security efficiently and it bugs me to see people bumbling through the line oblivious to how it is supposed to work.
I’ve recently watched my dad travel and he seems to run on the same slow burn that I am until he is sitting on the plane with his Bose headphones on.
Back to the secret to my kids acting out. It is me, specifically my emotional slow burner. When my oldest was a baby she would need a diaper change right when we were boarding. It was because I made her poor little stomach turn because of my stress. I wasn’t shouting at her but she knew her daddy was uptight so she became uptight. My agitation made them walk on pins.
Each of us does things that cause some anxiety in our lives. For some, the routine of getting ready for church carries all sorts of hidden traps. Mom may be stressed getting everyone “ready” but deep down is remembering her mom who years ago said, “you’re not dressing like THAT to church!” Dad may remember his dad sitting in the driveway honking the horn and the fight that followed. The reality is that parents can get stressed out and that stress seems to hop to our kids and result in some crazy situations.
So what can we do? Watch our kids for those times in which they seem a bit keyed up, emotional, or acting unlike themselves. When you notice their behavior, do a quick self-check and ask how you’ve been acting leading up to that moment.
My guess is that through introspection, asking your spouse, and maybe even asking your kids, you’ll learn that you have an opportunity to grow and change your thoughts, beliefs, and actions which will lead to your kids being more relaxed and engaged.
Do you notice your kids reacting to your emotional patterns?
Posted: September 5, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Celebrating Family Accomplishments
We had a busy, tiring but amazing Labor Day.
We then ate as fast as we could and met a family for a hike. The hike was up a local gorge in which we had to cross a huge log pile and then wade about 1/3 of a mile up to Oneonta Falls. It wasn’t an easy scramble up rocks, over wet logs, and down the other side. It was a sort of bucket brigade in which kids carefully walked from adult to adult and waited carefully for their turn over the next obstacle.
How have you grown and witness maturing in your kids as you accomplish things together? Any ideas for family activities?
Posted: September 2, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Relationships: The Path to Longer, Happier Living – Friends
This post was written by Jim Smith, a long time friend of Project Patch who worked as a therapist at our Youth Ranch and helped launch our Family Experience. He no longer works at Project Patch but continues to serve families, teens, and equip the church for ministry.
Friendships: How They Contribute To Long and Happy Living
“The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.”
– Mark Twain – The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson
Hmmm, money has probably spoiled not a few friendships but I think he has it right when he describes friendship as a holy passion that, ideally, will last a lifetime. Do you have friendships like that? I have a small number of those “lifetime” friends and I think that is the way it is for most of us. Most of our relationships can’t qualify for the “sweet and steady and loyal and enduring…nature,” of a lifetime friendship.
I came across an interesting study, “Effect of social networks on 10-year survival in very old Australians: the Australian longitudinal study of aging.” A study was done by Lynne C Giles, Gary F V Glonek, Mary A Luszcz, Gary R Andrews, and published here. This study revealed that older people with a large circle of friends were 22 percent less likely to die during the study period for this article than those with fewer friends.
In a recent book, “The Girls From Ames: A Story of Women and a 40-Year Friendship” (Gotham), Jeffrey Zaslow tells the story of 11 childhood friends who scattered from Iowa to eight different states. He writes that despite the distance, their friendships endured through college and marriage, divorce, and other crises, including the death of one of the women in her 20s. The point of the book is that the lives of all the women were better because of these enduring and dependable friendships.
The book also lists other studies that provide lots of data that indicate people are happier and even live longer when they have a circle of friends that provide support, wise counsel, and unconditional acceptance, even if those friendships are long distance.
A wise man named Solomon wrote, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17 ESV
I am happier when I am around good friends. I feel more content, more at peace. Studies show these kinds of feelings lead to the release of hormones in our brain that gives us a sense of well-being and even invigorates our immune system.
The old adage is that if you want a friend, be a friend. I talked with one of my good friends through a video chat yesterday. It was good to see him and I could tell that seeing me brought pleasure to him. If we open ourselves up to these kinds of great friendships, it means we are also opening ourselves up to what is happening or going to happen in their lives. Will we be there? Even when their lives become a bit messy, will we be there?
Good, then you are a…friend!
How has friendship impacted your life?