In my last post, we looked at how complexity increases with growth. We also looked at some basic questions of what to do, why, and where to try to break through the complexity. Today I want to look at three things you can do to make sure your family life is growing in the direction you desire.
Not too many of our families suffer from not having enough to do. We don’t seem to lack things that are begging for our time, money, attention, and worry. Families feel choked by all these things.
Most of the things that are choking families aren’t necessarily bad things. Sure there are negative habits and patterns in our relationships, but much of the chaos is from too many good things.
Our home has over 20 rhododendron bushes. It really looks nice in our yard but I’m a bit down because I know that in a few weeks I’m going to be covered in a layer of sticky dead flowers and weeds. I’m going to be crawling under bushes full of spiders and doing the annual pruning.
Bushes that aren’t pruned go wild and either grow in ways they shouldn’t or die a premature death.
Henry Cloud, the co-author of the Boundaries books (yes you should read them all), wrote a lot about pruning in his book “Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships that All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward
.” His focus in the book is on business and ministry but I think the same principles also apply to family. I’m not talking about cutting family members out of the family tree, but there are habits, ways we interact, things we spend our time on, and things we value that may need some pruning.
- Prune to get rid of the dead stuff
- Prune to get rid of the sick stuff of things growing in the wrong place
- Prune so that resources flow to the most vital blooms
Prune to get rid of dead stuff. I think this one is pretty easy to identify in other people’s families but can get a bit harder when dealing with our own. Most of the dead stuff is habits and patterns of relating to each other that don’t bring life but instead bring separation. At Project Patch, we identify certain behaviors as life-interfering, treatment-interfering, and quality-of-life-interfering. We find this helpful because it gives some perspective on the impact of individual behaviors. In your family, there are behaviors that may be okay if you lived alone, but because you live together, they are family-life-interfering. Those things that I do that hurt me or my relationships or reduce the quality of my life need to be dealt with before I can move into the more important steps of personal growth.
Prune to get rid of sick stuff or stuff growing in the wrong place. If it is sick, try to make it well, if it doesn’t heal, it needs to be removed. Dysfunction is something that certain people wear with pride. I recently read a Facebook post that said, “I plan to give you love, nurturing, and just enough dysfunction to make you funny.” On the surface, this seems kind of amusing, but dysfunction ends up being something that results in damage rather than healing.
Prune so that resources flow to the most vital blooms. Many kids that I meet are overwhelmed. They are taking AP classes in high school, participating in sports, volunteering in the community, participating in youth group, and still try to keep up their image of being a slacker. Parents are just as busy. I’m really good at overcommitting because it is hard to say no to something that I really want to do. Many parents I talk to are like me: We want our kids to be “well-rounded” and so the kids are in martial arts, choir, swim team, chess club, 4H, and everything else that well-rounded kids do. These are all good things but too many good things mean nothing is done fully. It also zaps the joy out of the moment because the next item is calling.
So, clear an hour on your schedule with your spouse this weekend. Grab a cup of coffee or tea and take out a piece of paper and ask the three questions above. Make a list of the things that may go under each heading. Then schedule a family meeting to teach your kids about the importance of pruning for growth and then make a list with your family.
It is from meetings like this that you can discover the values and boundaries that your family shares, but you aren’t done once you have a list. It is then that the real work begins of working to remove the dead things, heal the sick, and cut for growth.
Question: What good things are choking your family life and how are you working to clear them out?
Posted: May 23, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Parenting In the Unpredictable Years
I’m in Idaho at our youth program as I write this. Spring in the mountains of Idaho is something to behold. The temperature when I walked to breakfast was 27 degrees, and tonight it was close to 60 degrees when I left supper. It snowed today and by late afternoon kids were begging to wear shorts.
Things change dramatically and quickly here, and being with all these teens reminds me that, just like the weather, teens tend to have a lot of dramatic and unpredictable swings.
I know a dad that asks himself, “Am I dealing with a 7-, 17-, or 27-year-old right now?” Because a teen one moment can show amazing wisdom and poise and the next moment be totally immature and then be something in-between.
During parenting seminars and over and over on this blog we teach a model of development in which overtime a child becomes more responsible for their own safety and behavior (respect and responsibility), and the parent becomes less responsible.
The chart above (click to enlarge) really only gives a picture of the general idea that over time, the parent and child reverse and that a parent can’t bear all the responsibility while expecting the kid to become independent.
However, the actual day-to-day experience is going to be much more jagged. The reality is that in one day both parent and teen negotiate a road with a bunch of blind curves, potholes, and switchbacks which will leave both parent and teen feeling dizzy and confused.
Here are several of things we remind ourselves about teens here at Project Patch:
Expect things to be unpredictable
There is a lot happening physically and emotionally with a teen. You wouldn’t be angry at a teen that becomes uncoordinated and awkward during a growth spurt but for some reason, we are surprised and angry when teens are emotionally awkward and uncoordinated. If we expect some unpredictable things, then maybe we can help them prepare and respond appropriately rather than be surprised.
Respond appropriately to their present need
Remember how hard it was when potty training your kids? You knew your drooling toddler knew how to use the potty but there were days in which she regressed to the baby rather than acting like a big girl. It was frustrating, yet you knew that if you made too big of a deal about regressing that it would only make things worse.
Teens also regress at times, and at those times you may need to adjust and respond to them in a way that better fits their emotional level. I’ve seen so many teens that just need a simple hug and parent’s security but instead, the parent remains distant because they don’t want to spoil or baby their teen. I’ve also seen parents who embarrass their kids because they insist on maintaining child-like traditions into the teen years. It may be a good idea for you to have a code word with your teen. Tell them, “I love you very much and am not personally embarrassed to tell the world, yet I also understand that how I show you that I care may be embarrassing to you. What would you think of a code word that we could use if you’d like me to back off?”
Don’t keep bringing up the unpredictability
I know you are baffled and just want to scream and pull what little hair you have left every time they go from mature to a baby. It just doesn’t help to point out the change in either direction. Telling a teen who is acting wisely, “I’m so glad you aren’t acting immature anymore,” or saying, “Why are you suddenly back to being a three-year-old?” will never have the effect you hope for. Those are terribly unproductive things to say and only create distance between you and your teen. Do you respond well when your wife or boss dredges up the past? Use the limited influence you have to say something constructive.
It isn’t easy to parent teens and it isn’t easy to be a teenager. I encourage you to spend some time talking with your teen about this topic and hear their ideas for helping them and responding appropriately. You both need to adjust and respond in a way that moves each of you in the direction of the teen being responsible…and you enjoying their maturity.
Question: What unpredictable things do you remember from your teen years? What did your parents do well and what things do you wish they had known?
Posted: May 21, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Hiding is Hard Work
I played hide and seek with my girls the other night. It was a perfect evening and I couldn’t think of a better way to get the final bit of wiggles out of them before heading to bed. Now that they are five and are “big girls” I try to make the hiding hard but not too hard.
How we do it is once you are found, you help the finder find the other person. My girls found each other pretty quickly since they seem to go hide in the exact place they found the other person last time.
So both girls were looking for me and I was hiding in this perfect spot under a rhododendron bush. From this position, I could peek through the flowers and watch them search. It was perfect because I was pretty well hidden, but the bush was tall enough that you could see my legs under it. Not too easy, not too hard.
It was at this point that I remembered how painful it can be to hide. I don’t crouch much and after about 2 minutes under the tree, my legs were killing me. So I decided to get more comfortable and kneel on the ground. I was kneeling in the dirt for about 30 seconds when I began to think about spiders. At this point, I decided to look around and noticed that the dirt didn’t fall off my knees like I hoped. Rhododendrons are sticky and I had dirt and wood chips stuck to my knees. I didn’t see any spiders or even see my girls anymore.
I wasn’t having fun not being found. So I got out from under the bush, a bit disappointed that all that pain, dirt, and bravery that I had shown was wasted. I stretched, brushed myself off, and went to find my girls. They were on the other side of our house searching for me. They were happy to finally see me and then it was their turn to hide.
I have a tendency to take a simple moment of fun and then rattle on and on about the deep lessons learned from the fun. Stick with me, I’m going to do it again and I hope you forgive me for rattling on again.
Hiding is hard work. Doing it during a game is hard but doing it emotionally is even worse. It is an instinct that comes with sin that makes us hide from people and not face the reality of what we’ve done and who we are. We keep searching for a comfortable hiding spot and frankly…there really isn’t one.
Family life is hard and I know people that hide from it by being busy with life, work, hobbies, and even church. Others hide from the hard work of families by relying on roles (“Go ask your mom!”). Some hide behind keeping up the appearance of having things together, and others run to start over every time the going gets tough.
I don’t know about you but I have mixed feelings when I play hide and seek. When I find a great spot, I want people to notice that I found a great spot but if they don’t find me, they don’t notice. I also worry when people don’t find me that they quit looking and went on to do something more fun. I think in a deep way, we hide but really want to be found.
I left my hiding spot and found my girls and we kept playing and having fun.
Here are a couple of ideas to help you get out of hiding and back into relationships with your family:
Question: Why do we hide from the people that can help us the most and what can we do to be more open to our families?
Posted: May 16, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Pruning for Growth
In my last post, we looked at how complexity increases with growth. We also looked at some basic questions of what to do, why, and where to try to break through the complexity. Today I want to look at three things you can do to make sure your family life is growing in the direction you desire.
Not too many of our families suffer from not having enough to do. We don’t seem to lack things that are begging for our time, money, attention, and worry. Families feel choked by all these things.
Most of the things that are choking families aren’t necessarily bad things. Sure there are negative habits and patterns in our relationships, but much of the chaos is from too many good things.
Our home has over 20 rhododendron bushes. It really looks nice in our yard but I’m a bit down because I know that in a few weeks I’m going to be covered in a layer of sticky dead flowers and weeds. I’m going to be crawling under bushes full of spiders and doing the annual pruning.
Bushes that aren’t pruned go wild and either grow in ways they shouldn’t or die a premature death.
Henry Cloud, the co-author of the Boundaries books (yes you should read them all), wrote a lot about pruning in his book “Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships that All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward
.” His focus in the book is on business and ministry but I think the same principles also apply to family. I’m not talking about cutting family members out of the family tree, but there are habits, ways we interact, things we spend our time on, and things we value that may need some pruning.
Prune to get rid of dead stuff. I think this one is pretty easy to identify in other people’s families but can get a bit harder when dealing with our own. Most of the dead stuff is habits and patterns of relating to each other that don’t bring life but instead bring separation. At Project Patch, we identify certain behaviors as life-interfering, treatment-interfering, and quality-of-life-interfering. We find this helpful because it gives some perspective on the impact of individual behaviors. In your family, there are behaviors that may be okay if you lived alone, but because you live together, they are family-life-interfering. Those things that I do that hurt me or my relationships or reduce the quality of my life need to be dealt with before I can move into the more important steps of personal growth.
Prune to get rid of sick stuff or stuff growing in the wrong place. If it is sick, try to make it well, if it doesn’t heal, it needs to be removed. Dysfunction is something that certain people wear with pride. I recently read a Facebook post that said, “I plan to give you love, nurturing, and just enough dysfunction to make you funny.” On the surface, this seems kind of amusing, but dysfunction ends up being something that results in damage rather than healing.
Prune so that resources flow to the most vital blooms. Many kids that I meet are overwhelmed. They are taking AP classes in high school, participating in sports, volunteering in the community, participating in youth group, and still try to keep up their image of being a slacker. Parents are just as busy. I’m really good at overcommitting because it is hard to say no to something that I really want to do. Many parents I talk to are like me: We want our kids to be “well-rounded” and so the kids are in martial arts, choir, swim team, chess club, 4H, and everything else that well-rounded kids do. These are all good things but too many good things mean nothing is done fully. It also zaps the joy out of the moment because the next item is calling.
So, clear an hour on your schedule with your spouse this weekend. Grab a cup of coffee or tea and take out a piece of paper and ask the three questions above. Make a list of the things that may go under each heading. Then schedule a family meeting to teach your kids about the importance of pruning for growth and then make a list with your family.
It is from meetings like this that you can discover the values and boundaries that your family shares, but you aren’t done once you have a list. It is then that the real work begins of working to remove the dead things, heal the sick, and cut for growth.
Question: What good things are choking your family life and how are you working to clear them out?