In the first three steps, we explored the importance of not rushing to “I’m sorry,” and instead of looking at what took place, how it impacted the other person, our feelings about it, and then our heartfelt reaction to hurting the other person.
If that feels vulnerable, it is, and it is only going to get more intense in the next three steps. I have a tendency to protect and not open doors in which I am not certain about the outcome. I think that is why my apologies tend to be a mechanical checklist rather than a confrontation with my vulnerability.
For example, when I react in anger and shout at my girls, I’m confronted with the reality that I am hurtful, I react in bizarre ways when I don’t feel in control, and I have a bunch of stuff in my closet that I thought was neatly tucked away that tends to come out in destructive ways. Rather than protecting my family, I hurt them. This is a really vulnerable feeling and painful discovery.
And so my tendency is to skim over things, minimize, blame, deflect, and utilize a bunch of other “skills” rather than walk the steps of realization of how I impact others and taking responsibility and humbly acknowledging that I am truly sorry for the pain and separation that I’ve caused.
This next step is a bit different from those before because it now acknowledges that this restoring process isn’t all about us, the outcome of the apology isn’t in our control.
- Acknowledge the offense: “I did _____.”
- Admit, “I was wrong.”
- Use the words, “I am sorry; I apologize.”
- Ask, “Will you (when you can) forgive me?”
Most of us were raised saying, “Will you forgive me?” and that question required an immediate answer. One of the more absurd things I’ve done is punish my child for not responding with an immediate “I forgive you.” The problem with requiring automatic forgiveness from others or yourself is that it creates a situation in which people don’t actually choose, they just respond. Forgiveness ends up being a “bless you” after a sneeze rather than a heartfelt blessing.
The phrase when you can is powerful because it does two things.
First, it demonstrates that you understand that it is a choice of the other person to forgive or not. You ask for their forgiveness because you want it, but you demonstrate that they hold the power and choice to forgive, not you.
Second, it demonstrates that it may take time for them to forgive. It acknowledges that your actions hurt the relationship, that they may not trust you or your words, and that they may not have processed things in a way that allows them to forgive. By asking and giving them time, you put the ball in their court and now they are responsible for the next step. It is no longer your move nor are you intimidating them into a hollow response.
The great thing about this phrase is that it is a conversation starter rather than a conversation limiter. The traditional, “Will you forgive me?” pretty much requires a yes or no. Adding “when you can” gives permission for them to ask more questions, clarify things, tell you that they need time and a whole host of things. It gives them the freedom to choose and participate in healing the relationship.
Ford Taylor, who taught the Six-Step Apology to me during his Transformational Leadership class, recounts that when he came clean with his wife about his infidelity and a host of other things that she wasn’t ready to forgive. She needed more evidence of his sincerity and understanding before she was ready and it took them time. She didn’t require him to grovel and he didn’t use the time to beg, only to demonstrate that he understood the pain he caused, took responsibility, and was deeply sorry for the pain he caused.
Over time, she was able to forgive and the forgiveness became deeper as they both continued in the apology process.
In the next step we’ll look at another vulnerable step: Asking for accountability.
Questions: How have you avoided vulnerability? Has this six-step process been helpful for you in increasing your vulnerability?
Posted: May 2, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
The Six-Step Apology (Pt 6)
Wow, we finally reached step six! Thanks for sticking with me as we went through the previous five steps which take us through both taking personal responsibility for hurting someone and developing accountability to keep us from doing it again.
At this point, it feels a bit like climbing a mountain. Each crest seemed like a false summit and the higher we’ve gone, the harder it’s become. Here are the steps again as taught by Ford Taylor in Transformational Leadership:
If you are anything like me, you just want all this emotional stuff to be over. This process isn’t easy and requires a lot of energy. All I want at this point is “Are we okay?” a hug, handshake, or smile, and if things are really good, maybe a trip to Dairy Queen to celebrate.
Hold on, you aren’t quite done yet and I’m afraid there is a bit more emotional stuff before you get to the Blizzard (Chocolate Xtreme if you are buying me one).
The sixth step is like an exponent and is very powerful in healing relationships. It sounds simple but may be much harder than all the other steps.
6. Is there anything else I need to apologize for?
I remember the first time I walked through the Six-Step Apology. I had just learned it and was kneeling in front of my four-year-old. I looked her in the eye, and said, “I shouted at you and it made you feel scared, that I was going to hurt you. I was wrong, I’m sorry. I apologize. When you are ready, will you forgive me?” At this point, she looked at me with her big eyes with tears still on her cheeks. She said, “I forgive you,” and gave me a hug. She seemed so much more at ease and comfortable with me.
My knees were hurting and I was getting ready to get up when I remembered step six. I asked her, “Is there anything else I need to apologize for?” I was starting to get up when she said, “Yes,” and told me what I had done. She was right! I had hurt her in another way that I didn’t even know about. I felt horrible. I walked through a new apology again and by now my knees were killing me. I asked again, “Is there anything else I need to apologize for?” and she said, “Yes” again. Once again I had hurt her and didn’t even know about it. I couldn’t believe that I had hurt her and didn’t even realize it. Third time through, “Is there anything else I need to apologize for?” and she said, “No.” She gave me a huge hug and skipped away.
I sunk down onto the floor. I was crushed. I thought I was doing such a good job as a dad but I was doing things that hurt my little girl on the inside. I was only given the chance to know and apologize for those hurts when I asked and proved myself trustworthy. I was also so thankful that I had asked and was given the chance to apologize.
It isn’t easy but I can tell you that opening yourself up to the truth of how you impact the people around you can be one of the most humbling and powerful things you can do.
I want to challenge you as we end this series to not only memorize the six steps but to commit to all six steps, and work to bring healing not only for the hurts you know about but those that you may not yet realize you’ve inflicted.
I can tell you from experience that the process is hard but the healing is sweet.
Posted: April 30, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
The Six-Step Apology (Pt 5)
The first four steps of the Six-Step Apology that I learned from Ford Taylor focus on establishing personal responsibility. Each step moves you from a position of defensiveness to total personal accountability.
Personal accountability is something that we all want from our politicians, leaders, and heroes, but few of us really practice it in our own lives. John McEnroe, the temper-tantrum-throwing tennis player, is a great example of an athlete who never lost a game. It was always someone or something’s fault if he lost, not his own fault. He yelled at line judges, the ball fetchers, and the crowd. He would throw his racket, complain about the weather, and I don’t think he ever said the obvious which was, “I just didn’t play well today.”
Carol Dweck (Read our post “Comfort Over Growth”) identified John McEnroe as someone who was a great tennis player but could have been even better if he had gone home and practiced and learned to overcome challenges rather than deflect responsibility.
Taking responsibility and being accountable is admirable but very hard. I’m responsible for my behavior! Yet just because we are responsible doesn’t mean we are capable of controlling our behavior. I can take full responsibility for being angry and lashing out in a way that hurts, but that doesn’t cure me.
I find both comfort and a bit of fear when I read Paul – someone who seems to have it together. He says in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do…for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” Our willpower isn’t enough. This isn’t an excuse for doing things that hurt us and others, it is just a very important realization on the path to getting help.
So many times we spend a lot of energy making willpower-based promises like, “I promise to never do it again,” or, “I won’t ever forget…” Yet the reality is that even with the best of intentions our willpower isn’t enough. One of the most important realities for us as human beings is, “I can’t do this by myself.” It is at this point that being in a relationship with God and others can help us do what we could never do on our own.
So that brings us to Step 5 in which we verbally acknowledge our need for others to help keep us from getting into the same position again.
What step five says is:
I hear from people who have tried counseling and accountability and tell me that it doesn’t work. I’ve been on both sides of the accountability table, both needing accountability and having people ask me to help them with an issue. When accountability “doesn’t work” it was always because someone wasn’t sharing the truth. It typically isn’t blatant lying; it tends to involve not volunteering information or not telling the whole story. The reason the truth isn’t shared is that for many of us, being wrong and fallible is worse than the pain we are causing others. I’d rather be perceived as having things together rather stop being destructive.
Imagine carrying a large stack of your grandma’s best china. The stack is tall and has a mix of plates, saucers, and at the top is her favorite set of teacups. You have a long way to carry them and it’s really heavy. You know that you dropped the last load you tried to carry and now you feel the load slipping through your sweaty fingers.
Your accountability partner asks if you need help, and because you don’t want to seem weak, you just say, “No, I’ve got things taken care of.” And so you keep bearing the load, the fear, and eventually the carnage.
It doesn’t have to be this way. Give permission and then trust the person to help.
This isn’t a simple process but if you are serious about not hurting the people you love, then it’s time to be accountable.
Question: Which is harder for you, personal responsibility or accountability? Have you seen great personal growth when you combined personal responsibility with accountability?
Posted: April 25, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
The Six-Step Apology (Pt 4)
In the first three steps, we explored the importance of not rushing to “I’m sorry,” and instead of looking at what took place, how it impacted the other person, our feelings about it, and then our heartfelt reaction to hurting the other person.
If that feels vulnerable, it is, and it is only going to get more intense in the next three steps. I have a tendency to protect and not open doors in which I am not certain about the outcome. I think that is why my apologies tend to be a mechanical checklist rather than a confrontation with my vulnerability.
For example, when I react in anger and shout at my girls, I’m confronted with the reality that I am hurtful, I react in bizarre ways when I don’t feel in control, and I have a bunch of stuff in my closet that I thought was neatly tucked away that tends to come out in destructive ways. Rather than protecting my family, I hurt them. This is a really vulnerable feeling and painful discovery.
And so my tendency is to skim over things, minimize, blame, deflect, and utilize a bunch of other “skills” rather than walk the steps of realization of how I impact others and taking responsibility and humbly acknowledging that I am truly sorry for the pain and separation that I’ve caused.
This next step is a bit different from those before because it now acknowledges that this restoring process isn’t all about us, the outcome of the apology isn’t in our control.
Most of us were raised saying, “Will you forgive me?” and that question required an immediate answer. One of the more absurd things I’ve done is punish my child for not responding with an immediate “I forgive you.” The problem with requiring automatic forgiveness from others or yourself is that it creates a situation in which people don’t actually choose, they just respond. Forgiveness ends up being a “bless you” after a sneeze rather than a heartfelt blessing.
The phrase when you can is powerful because it does two things.
First, it demonstrates that you understand that it is a choice of the other person to forgive or not. You ask for their forgiveness because you want it, but you demonstrate that they hold the power and choice to forgive, not you.
Second, it demonstrates that it may take time for them to forgive. It acknowledges that your actions hurt the relationship, that they may not trust you or your words, and that they may not have processed things in a way that allows them to forgive. By asking and giving them time, you put the ball in their court and now they are responsible for the next step. It is no longer your move nor are you intimidating them into a hollow response.
The great thing about this phrase is that it is a conversation starter rather than a conversation limiter. The traditional, “Will you forgive me?” pretty much requires a yes or no. Adding “when you can” gives permission for them to ask more questions, clarify things, tell you that they need time and a whole host of things. It gives them the freedom to choose and participate in healing the relationship.
Ford Taylor, who taught the Six-Step Apology to me during his Transformational Leadership class, recounts that when he came clean with his wife about his infidelity and a host of other things that she wasn’t ready to forgive. She needed more evidence of his sincerity and understanding before she was ready and it took them time. She didn’t require him to grovel and he didn’t use the time to beg, only to demonstrate that he understood the pain he caused, took responsibility, and was deeply sorry for the pain he caused.
Over time, she was able to forgive and the forgiveness became deeper as they both continued in the apology process.
In the next step we’ll look at another vulnerable step: Asking for accountability.
Questions: How have you avoided vulnerability? Has this six-step process been helpful for you in increasing your vulnerability?