There are things I regularly say as a dad that I thought I would never say.
Picture me with two 5-year-old girls who are crying. They are both telling some sort of story that involves pushing and hitting. I’m not sure who did what but I just want to get back to the magical land of No-tears-or-drama. And before I know it I have them taking turns saying, “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?” We all then return to what we were doing. I haven’t helped, they haven’t learned, and the hurts are still there but things are temporarily quieter.
When we jump to, “Say you’re sorry!” or “Apologize!” it’s kind of like using an ice pack or cartoon Band-Aid. We know it really doesn’t fix anything but kind of hope it does anyway.
As a parent what we really want is our kids to actually be sorry when they cause another to hurt. We pray desperately that they have a conscience, to know when they hurt another, and to care deeply.
Kids that show no remorse are kind of scary because we associate lack of remorse with sociopath and a whole host of problems.
Being sorry and apologizing are good things but we tend to make two mistakes:
- We say it too soon
- We force it
There is nothing wrong with being eager to apologize, however there is a problem when the person apologizing simply wants to “trump” the conversation with “I’m sorry” in order to stop having to deal with the situation. I’ve heard kids say, “I said I’m sorry, why are we still talking about it?”
It is important to start with Step 1 of our apology which acknowledges the offense and impact, followed by Step 2, which acknowledges that the act was wrong. These two steps before the actual “I’m sorry” requires involvement both on the heart and brain level. It prepares both parties for the third step of the apology.
Forcing an apology is just like making your child into a puppet. There are three losses when you make your child a puppet.
- Your child is forced to lie and learns that lying gets them out of emotionally charged situations.
- The child receiving the apology is forced to accept hollow, shallow, and manipulated words.
- You lose credibility and an opportunity to teach.
This is why it is so important for us as parents to not rush to the land of No-tears-or-drama but instead accept that, like it or not, we are in a teaching moment and our ability to put aside our own discomfort at this point is key in teaching our kids.
Also, if you are the one who caused the hurt, taking time to walk through the first two steps is key for you in making sure you don’t bypass the heart of the apology by rushing to the phrase, “I’m sorry.”
- Acknowledge the offense: “I did _____.”
- Admit, “I was wrong.”
- Use the words, “I’m sorry; I apologize.”
Step 3 forces us to give our opinion – our feelings about what we did. But it also does another very important thing: It cuts off justification and excuse-making.
My girls recently wrote a sympathy card for a friend who lost her husband to cancer. The girls had each drawn a picture of him and then in a mash of letters. Both letters were a bit different but both contained the words, “I’m sorry”. When we are faced with situations in which we can’t change or maybe even explain what happened, we are left with the words, “I’m sorry” and that is precisely what we are when we realize just what we did, what the impact was and that we were just plain wrong.
When we don’t know what else to say, we say sorry. When spoken in sincerity and care for the other person, it is a very powerful phrase.
The second part is “I apologize.” What this says is that you are not only acknowledging that the act was wrong, but you are claiming responsibility for the act. It says that I have regret for what happened.
In summary, the first three steps of the apology are all about you – what you did and taking responsibility. The next phrases are about restoring the relationship and working to keep from needing to apologize again.
Question: What tips do you have for increasing the sincerity of your kids’ apologies?
Posted: April 23, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
The Six-Step Apology (Pt 3)
There are things I regularly say as a dad that I thought I would never say.
Picture me with two 5-year-old girls who are crying. They are both telling some sort of story that involves pushing and hitting. I’m not sure who did what but I just want to get back to the magical land of No-tears-or-drama. And before I know it I have them taking turns saying, “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?” We all then return to what we were doing. I haven’t helped, they haven’t learned, and the hurts are still there but things are temporarily quieter.
When we jump to, “Say you’re sorry!” or “Apologize!” it’s kind of like using an ice pack or cartoon Band-Aid. We know it really doesn’t fix anything but kind of hope it does anyway.
As a parent what we really want is our kids to actually be sorry when they cause another to hurt. We pray desperately that they have a conscience, to know when they hurt another, and to care deeply.
Kids that show no remorse are kind of scary because we associate lack of remorse with sociopath and a whole host of problems.
Being sorry and apologizing are good things but we tend to make two mistakes:
There is nothing wrong with being eager to apologize, however there is a problem when the person apologizing simply wants to “trump” the conversation with “I’m sorry” in order to stop having to deal with the situation. I’ve heard kids say, “I said I’m sorry, why are we still talking about it?”
It is important to start with Step 1 of our apology which acknowledges the offense and impact, followed by Step 2, which acknowledges that the act was wrong. These two steps before the actual “I’m sorry” requires involvement both on the heart and brain level. It prepares both parties for the third step of the apology.
Forcing an apology is just like making your child into a puppet. There are three losses when you make your child a puppet.
This is why it is so important for us as parents to not rush to the land of No-tears-or-drama but instead accept that, like it or not, we are in a teaching moment and our ability to put aside our own discomfort at this point is key in teaching our kids.
Also, if you are the one who caused the hurt, taking time to walk through the first two steps is key for you in making sure you don’t bypass the heart of the apology by rushing to the phrase, “I’m sorry.”
Step 3 forces us to give our opinion – our feelings about what we did. But it also does another very important thing: It cuts off justification and excuse-making.
My girls recently wrote a sympathy card for a friend who lost her husband to cancer. The girls had each drawn a picture of him and then in a mash of letters. Both letters were a bit different but both contained the words, “I’m sorry”. When we are faced with situations in which we can’t change or maybe even explain what happened, we are left with the words, “I’m sorry” and that is precisely what we are when we realize just what we did, what the impact was and that we were just plain wrong.
When we don’t know what else to say, we say sorry. When spoken in sincerity and care for the other person, it is a very powerful phrase.
The second part is “I apologize.” What this says is that you are not only acknowledging that the act was wrong, but you are claiming responsibility for the act. It says that I have regret for what happened.
In summary, the first three steps of the apology are all about you – what you did and taking responsibility. The next phrases are about restoring the relationship and working to keep from needing to apologize again.
Question: What tips do you have for increasing the sincerity of your kids’ apologies?
Posted: April 18, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
The Six-Step Apology (Pt 2)
One of the hardest things for me to say is, “I was wrong.”
I’m pretty good at deflecting things. Just like the Starship Enterprise (NCC-1701 for all you geeks out there) I have my force shield which deflects attacks. When things get emotional and I become afraid, then I tend to employ blame, justification, and a whole host of other tools to keep from getting to the truth: “I was wrong.”
I don’t think I’m the only one that struggles with this. Genesis records how Adam and Eve used blame as a shield.
Adam blamed, “The woman you gave me!”
Eve deflected, “The snake tricked me!”
I get the same result that they did: Broken relationships, missed opportunities for restoration, and loss of dignity.
Henry Cloud, in his book “Necessary Endings,” says there are three general kinds of people:
Wise people learn – whether it is from other people, their mistakes, or whatever source. The foolish are the ones that deflect responsibility and accountability. Evil people are those out to hurt and destroy. Most of us aren’t evil but I think when it comes to the area of how we react when we hurt others, most of us act foolishly.
Once we accept responsibility great things can happen. And so the second step in the Six-Step Apology is key because it establishes ownership and sets the stage for restoration:
Acknowledge the Offense. “I did _______ and it caused _______.”
I was wrong.
So now we have two steps in place. Let me give you an example of how this can play out when talking with kids, spouse, co-workers, and everyone else you may hurt.
When I said, “You keep messing things up” I could see that it really hurt you. I was wrong in saying that. It isn’t true.
I said, “Can’t you do anything right?” in a really loud voice and I can tell that my voice scared you and my words made you feel really small. I was wrong to use a loud voice and to tell you something which isn’t true.
I shouted at you when you spilled your milk on the table and told you that you are clumsy. Now you think you are clumsy and that I won’t trust you again. I was wrong to shout and not pay enough attention to see that it was an accident.
I think you can tell from these interactions that a key to starting the apology is to capture accurately what happened, what it caused, and to clearly state your role in it.
I was wrong.
You might be wondering how to teach your spouse or kids to do this more meaningful apology, too. Rather than focusing on teaching them the apology, focus on modeling the apology. They will learn by what you do more than by what you say. Second, stop insisting that they perform weak apologies. Work on helping them build empathy and ownership.
What I can tell you is that just doing these first two steps goes a long way toward healing broken relationships but we aren’t done yet. In part 3 we’ll actually use the word “apologize.”
Question: How have you seen situations improve simply by taking responsibility for your part in the situation?
Posted: April 16, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
The Six-Step Apology (Pt 1)
Two things are necessary before you apologize:
This seems simple but as parents many times we are teaching our kids the opposite. We say things like, “Tell your sister you’re sorry,” or “You need to apologize.” While it is important to apologize for hurting others and doing things that are wrong, there is no restoration in these robotic apologies. The child learns that saying the words, “I’m sorry” gets them out of the uncomfortable situation and that they really don’t need to know what they are sorry for or how it impacted the person they hurt.
Before an apology can take place, you need two things: Hurt feelings, and knowledge that you were a hurter (yes, I make up words). All your apologies are worthless unless you can complete the following sentence.
“I did _______________ and I _______________ you.”
The first step of the Six-Step Apology as taught by Ford Taylor is to acknowledge the offense. Say, “I did _______ and it caused _______.”
Some common ones for me are:
“I shouted at you and made you feel scared.”
“I didn’t listen when you talked and instead was looking at my iPhone and you felt unimportant like I liked my Facebook friends more than you.”
“I teased you when you didn’t want to be teased and you felt I didn’t care about your feelings.”
The key is to capture what you did and what it caused. You may have had the purest of intentions but the reality is that they are hurt and what you did either caused it or brought it to the surface and so now you have responsibility for your part in the hurt.
I find this first step awesome because rather than adding fuel to the fire, it takes fuel out. My first impulse is to justify and blame. I say things like, “If you had done what I asked, I wouldn’t have had to yell.” Or, “You are being too sensitive.” Both of these add emotion and fuel and cause even more damage to the relationship.
Yet, the simple but difficult act of putting the offense and impact clearly into words cools the flames.
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
If you don’t take time during this step to be clear on what happened, the rest of the steps will not be meaningful. So take time to make sure you clearly understand and are able to clearly communicate the offense.
Capturing the action typically is pretty easy. I did _______ can be filled in by what is easily observable. This is pretty easy to nail but there are times, especially for acts of omission (things that you should have done but didn’t) that it may take a few questions before you can really nail down how you hurt the other person.
Capturing the impact on the other person from your action can be a bit harder because it requires seeing things from their perspective rather than your own. Empathy is really hard, especially when so much of your focus is on defensiveness and/or trying to compensate for the hurt.
So once you have clarity on what you did and the impact on the other person, just ask the person, “Can I talk to you about what I just did?” Or, “Can we sit down for a few minutes? I need to apologize for what I just did.” If you are talking to a child, I recommend sitting down and getting at a level that allows you to see her eye to eye.
Take a deep breath and start with step one.
Question: Why do you think that acknowledging the offense is so powerful in restoring relationships?