The Six-Step Apology (Intro)

My stomach hurts just remembering those times in which I’ve blown it.  I shouted. I threatened. I said hurtful things on purpose.  What makes me sick is remembering the fear in their eyes, their embarrassment and hurt, and then the little voice that said, “Dad, please don’t be so barky.”

Parents are people, and people are flawed.  There are times I react in ways that aren’t kind, generous, or purposeful.  It is at these moments that waves of shame and guilt wash over me and I want to make things right but I can’t take my words back.  I’ve unleashed a flood that is now doing harm in the minds of those I love the most.

My tendency is to make a quick apology and then try to compensate for the things I said.  While this makes me feel better, I don’t think it helps me or brings restoration to our relationship.  Whether I’m dealing in anger with my wife, kids, or others at work, the reality is that the relationship is harmed and my response to the harm will be the difference between fear and restoration.

Most of us have had a relationship with a Jekyll and Hyde type character which was captured by author Robert Louis Stevenson in 1886.  Kids living in this sort of environment become fearful and cautious, always hoping for the “good” but knowing that “bad” can come at any moment.

When we swing from anger to appeasement it creates an environment in which it is difficult for relationships to exist.

So, knowing that we all make mistakes and do things that hurt the people we love the most,  I’d like to share with you a process I learned from Ford Taylor when I attended his seminar on Transformational Leadership.  It is a process that works in the home, work, and socially.  It tends to be harder with closer relationships and the length of time it takes to complete it may be longer.

Ford calls this the Six-Step Apology, and over this series of posts, we’ll walk through each step together.  Here are the steps before we go into more detail:

  1. Acknowledge the offense:  “I did _____.”
  2. Admit, “I was wrong.”
  3. Say the words, “I am sorry.  I apologize.”
  4. Ask, “Will you, when you can, forgive me?”
  5. Humbly offer, “I give you permission to hold me accountable.”
  6. Ask, “Is there anything else I need to apologize for?”

I can tell you that this process is easier on paper than it is looking someone in the eye.  But I can also tell you that there is nothing better than seeing fear replaced with peace.  Knowing that your relationship is moving forward rather than held in limbo.

A question as we get started:  Why do you think it is so hard to apologize to the people that are closest to us?

The Rental Principle

I heard Roy Vaden recently talk about what he calls the Rental Principle.  It sounds pretty simple but I think you’ll agree that it has a lot to say about success in all parts of life:

“Success is not owned, it is rented – and rent is due every day.”

Whether we define success in terms of money, relationships, weight loss, learning, spiritual growth, or a dozen other things, they all have one thing in common: Success can and does go away.  There are pretty yellow flowers growing in my yard and one of our goals every year is to have a dandelion-free yard.  I’d love to be done with getting rid of these pesky flowers but I need to keep active or my lawn is covered with them.

A couple of things stand out to me when I think about Roy’s Rental Principle:

  1. Success is a lifestyle, not an end result.
  2. I need to know when and how to pay “rent.”

First, I think I fall into the “if only” trap quite often.  Most of the time I’m blaming other people and circumstances with the expectation that if things changed, then I’d be great.  Yet the Rental Principle is founded on the truth that success is a never-ending pursuit.  Yes, celebrate success at the moment, but do the things to keep success around.

Kelly and I have great memories from our wedding ceremony but what makes us close today is dependent on how I interact with her.  My good marriage is not owned, it is rented – and rent is due every day.

My girls are growing up so fast and learning so many things.  I spent a lot of time with them a few weeks ago but I’ve been a bit absent and “barky” this week.  No matter what I paid last week, I need to keep paying this week.  Being a good dad is not owned, it is rented – and rent is due every day.

Second, knowing how and when to pay rent is just as important as knowing it is due.  There was a time that people would pay their doctor with produce and chickens but Kaiser doesn’t have that option anymore.

Success in sports depends on a lot of factors including a good attitude and knowledge about the game, but unless you can score (baskets, goals, touchdowns, points) you are going to lose.  Knowing what sport you are playing also determines when and how you do things so you can be successful.

Become familiar with The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  Every person is created with different ways of showing love and being loved.  For example, I really enjoy Quality Time, and my wife thrives on Words of Affirmation.  One of my daughters’ primary love language is Receiving Gifts and she remembers who gave her even the smallest gifts.  My other daughter values Quality Time, too, and loves to do things with others.

The problem is that I like to give love in the way that I like for it to come to me.  For me to give love to my family, I need to do it in a way that makes it easier for them to receive it.  So, I have to be purposeful.

I also need to pay rent every day.  Sure there are times when I’m not physically around or that I don’t have much to give, but even on those days, I need to realize rent is due and make some sort of arrangement.  For example, I travel some and there are times that I know my girls need to know that I’m thinking about them. I’ll write a note for each of them and put it in a place that surprises them.  I call when I can.  I’ll take the time to listen to them a bit more carefully.  I also let them know when I will pay what’s due in terms of time by talking about the upcoming weekend or some significant time we’ll have in the future.  I’m not talking about trying to overcompensate for guilt, I am encouraging all of us to be purposeful and realize that when rent is due and we can’t pay, we need a communicated plan.

I hope the Rental Principle is as helpful to you as it has been for me.

What are some ways that you’ve seen the Rental Principle in your life?  How have you been able to pay rent when you are short on resources?

Where Is God?

I recently listened to a radio interview with Father Greg Boyle, the founder of Homeboy Industries.  I’ve heard Greg before and each time I’ve been struck by how excited and grateful he is to be working with the kids he works with.

He chose to go to the most dangerous parish in the United States, which is located in Los Angeles.  He has buried 183 gang members and wept over everyone.

Homeboy Industries started because gang members needed jobs and they couldn’t find any.  It started as a bakery but now includes a diner, catering, silkscreen/embroidery, farmers market, merchandising, and grocery.  They offer jobs, legal services, education, counseling, and tattoo removal.  Their message, “Hope has an address,” is lived out in the lives of kids most people have given up on.

I love what they do and how they are doing it and I encourage you to check out their website at homeboyindustries.org.  They can also be found on Facebook at facebook.com/homeboyindustries

What struck me most about the interview was that Father Greg or Father G as the “homies” call him described the surprising places God shows up, in the ordinary but extraordinary ways.

He told the story about an orphaned gang member who works on their graffiti removal crew.  He asked the young man what he did for Thanksgiving and he said that he stayed home, had a few guys from the crew over.  He said that they had made a “proper” turkey but nothing else.  The scene unfolds with seven former enemies crowded around a small table in a tiny kitchen waiting for the “proper” turkey to be done.  Then they ate together.

Father Greg describes this scene as a true enactment of the Lord’s Supper.  An ordinary-looking meal that in actuality is extraordinary. Proof that God becomes real and lives in our midst.   It wouldn’t have happened if God hadn’t shown up and replaced hate and hopelessness with compassion and hope.

I share this story with you because it reminds me of several important things.
1.    Hopelessness doesn’t just affect gang members and convicts, it holds us back.
2.    God is in this world ministering and healing broken hearts.
3.    Care and serve, even when things look hopeless.

Where have you seen God show up?