I was about 40 miles into the 112-mile bike portion of a triathlon when I heard the most absurd but eventually helpful words, “I think your brake is rubbing.” I was incredulous, how could I be accused of doing something so stupid. How could I ride for over 2 hours with my brakes partially on during a race and not notice?
Well… I listened to my bike a bit more carefully and then in a moment of pure embarrassment and anger at myself, I stopped and adjusted my brake and that noise stopped and my bike went faster.
The brake wasn’t on much, but it was resistance I didn’t want.
One of the tricky things about resistance is that it is a fickle friend and shows up in weird ways and we seem surprised by it more than we should.
For example, this morning I met resistance a few times while getting ready to write this post. Today it showed up as “Facebook” and it seemed really important for me to write birthday wishes and check on friends and then chase a few rabbit trails.
Resistance comes in the form of both a nemesis and also a friend that I gladly choose to spend time with.
Over the next few blog entries, I want to share with you how to identify resistance but, more importantly, some steps you can take to overcome resistance in your life.
Whether you are choosing to parent differently, enforce some family values, make better use of your time, or exercise – you meet resistance. Resistance doesn’t show up in the status quo; it appears when things are changing.
I don’t find resistance when I choose to sleep in – only when I decide to train in the morning. I don’t find resistance when I say “yes” to everyone – only when I choose to carefully choose my commitments. I don’t find resistance when I decide to go on Facebook – only when I try to tackle a difficult job at work.
Resistance comes when we decide to do hard things, so we shouldn’t be surprised when it shows up.
So many of us quit when things get difficult because we are somehow surprised that it is so hard. I want to tell you as parents that you should expect a lot of resistance as you work to be a stronger parent and really serve your kids. Don’t take it as a sign that you are doing something wrong; take it as a sign that you are doing something right.
When your kid starts pushing back, your life seems full of dread, and everything seems hard…there is a great chance that you are doing the right thing.
Rather than quitting, this is the time to take action and put resistance in its place – but first, expect resistance and greet it for what it is.
Posted: March 14, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Resistance (Part 1)
I was about 40 miles into the 112-mile bike portion of a triathlon when I heard the most absurd but eventually helpful words, “I think your brake is rubbing.” I was incredulous, how could I be accused of doing something so stupid. How could I ride for over 2 hours with my brakes partially on during a race and not notice?
Well… I listened to my bike a bit more carefully and then in a moment of pure embarrassment and anger at myself, I stopped and adjusted my brake and that noise stopped and my bike went faster.
The brake wasn’t on much, but it was resistance I didn’t want.
One of the tricky things about resistance is that it is a fickle friend and shows up in weird ways and we seem surprised by it more than we should.
For example, this morning I met resistance a few times while getting ready to write this post. Today it showed up as “Facebook” and it seemed really important for me to write birthday wishes and check on friends and then chase a few rabbit trails.
Resistance comes in the form of both a nemesis and also a friend that I gladly choose to spend time with.
Over the next few blog entries, I want to share with you how to identify resistance but, more importantly, some steps you can take to overcome resistance in your life.
Whether you are choosing to parent differently, enforce some family values, make better use of your time, or exercise – you meet resistance. Resistance doesn’t show up in the status quo; it appears when things are changing.
I don’t find resistance when I choose to sleep in – only when I decide to train in the morning. I don’t find resistance when I say “yes” to everyone – only when I choose to carefully choose my commitments. I don’t find resistance when I decide to go on Facebook – only when I try to tackle a difficult job at work.
Resistance comes when we decide to do hard things, so we shouldn’t be surprised when it shows up.
So many of us quit when things get difficult because we are somehow surprised that it is so hard. I want to tell you as parents that you should expect a lot of resistance as you work to be a stronger parent and really serve your kids. Don’t take it as a sign that you are doing something wrong; take it as a sign that you are doing something right.
When your kid starts pushing back, your life seems full of dread, and everything seems hard…there is a great chance that you are doing the right thing.
Rather than quitting, this is the time to take action and put resistance in its place – but first, expect resistance and greet it for what it is.
READ Part 2
Posted: March 7, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Parents First
I fly quite often and one of the things I really enjoy is watching the flight attendants on Southwest Airlines interact with passengers.
The safety talk caught my attention as they talked about the oxygen masks. The speech to parents was to put on their own mask before assisting their child. Southwest attendants made it funny by saying, “if you happen to have more than one child sitting with you, pick your favorite.”
After the safety talk, attendants walked down the aisle and checked with each parent to make sure they understood that they needed to put on their own mask first before helping their child. Every parent nodded in agreement to the plan but I’m curious just how many of the parents would actually put their mask on first.
We love our kids and would do anything to keep them from getting hurt and so it seems unloving and cowardly to meet your own needs while your child is at risk. Yet, the logic is, if you aren’t breathing, you won’t be able to help others breathe, so put the mask on.
I wonder how many times we as parents put our kids at risk because we don’t take care of our needs first.
This is hard for me to write because on a regular basis I see kids who are suffering because their parents put their own “wants” over their kids “needs.” I have a friend who spent significant time in a bar growing up because it was more convenient for his mom who wanted to drink with her friends. What I’m talking about isn’t about “wants” and convenience; it is about the things that help a parent survive.
What are these things for you? For me, it includes a strong relationship with my wife. Kids are very important but don’t come first. I need time alone with my wife focused on growing our relationship.
Another thing is my spiritual growth, if I’m not spiritually growing, it will be hard for my kids to grow spiritually.
I need to be a provider for my family. This includes working to put a roof over their heads and keep them fed. This is an area with some subjectivity and requires balance. Modeling a healthy work ethic is a key part of teaching your kids the value of work and the importance of people over things.
Finally, my health is important. I need to make sure that I am physically rested, mentally alert, and taking care of myself physically. I try to exercise at times which doesn’t interfere with family time but I also want my kids to know that it is a priority for me to be healthy.
It still feels kind of weird to be encouraging parents to spend less time with their kids but my hope is that as we carefully take the challenge of making sure we are “alive” so we can help them survive this world and its challenges.
Posted: March 5, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
What Is Your Body Saying?
I recently read a great blog by Peter Bregman in which he described a time in which he did a series of wrong things when meeting with a potential client. One of the things he did was raise the height of his chair. The only reason he raised the chair was that it felt too low, but in the context of all the other things he was saying and doing, it communicated a power-play, left a negative impression, and he lost an opportunity.
One of the things we focus on at Project Patch is what our body position is communicating. Kids are looking for reasons to believe or disbelieve and many times are more in tune with what the body is saying rather than the mouth.
Certain body positions are intimidating and interpreted as aggressive. Directly facing someone with your feet planted firmly and your hands clenched is clearly an aggressive position. Crossing your arms and leaning back could be interpreted as not caring or disengaged. Looking at your feet and fidgeting could be seen being intimidated and nervous.
The trouble with the information above is when I get overly focused on my body language I end up looking like a confused baseball coach giving conflicting signs to the bewildered batter. I become fixated on my hands, whether I should be leaning out or in, and whether I’m helping or not.
The problem with being self-conscious is that our focus becomes all on us and how uncomfortable we feel rather than on connecting and listening.
So to be more effective in my communication, especially with kids sharing emotional things, I try to focus on two things:
Once I decide what they may need and what I’d like them to know, I will work to make sure that is what my body position and words (which should be few) communicate.
For example, if they say something shocking to test me I’ll express surprise but physically lean in and say something like, “I didn’t expect you to say that, tell me more.” If I want to communicate a respect for their space, I’d turn sideways a bit and back away a little and yet and at the same time stay engaged in what they are talking about.
The goal is to connect and respond in a way that will continue the conversation rather than end it.
When you focus on their need and your response, you may be wrong at times; the good news is that you will most likely get some feedback and can at that point adjust. But until then, just focus on them and doing your best to communicate using body language and, if needed, words.