Our family car started doing something that terrified both of us. The engine would just turn off while we were driving down the road. We’d pull onto the shoulder in a panic, shift into park, turn off the car. All we had to do to get going again was to turn it back on. It would start right back up and run just fine until it mysteriously quit again.
It scared my wife because she didn’t want to be stranded along the road with our girls. It scared me because I could see this repair costing more than our car is worth.
We called our mechanic and drove it in just praying for a miracle: A cheap and fast fix.
A bit of background: I’m not too mechanical and I think certain mechanics see “sucker” and “boat payment” written on my forehead. I really don’t know if what they are telling me is the best, cheapest, and fastest repair. My greatest fear is that they do a bunch of work and in the end replace the “computer” which takes a week and costs me $2,800.
I was pleasantly surprised when they fixed the car by replacing a sensor and everything cost under $80. The repair was perfect since it was effective and efficient, and they were ethical.
Siang-Yang Tan, a psychologist, pastor, and professor at Fuller Seminary suggests that counseling and counselors be evaluated using the same three E’s: Effective, Efficient, and Ethical.
Effective – Does it work? Do the things they say make a lasting difference? Do the people they help get better or not? Is your time with them helpful? Notice that we aren’t talking about painful or difficult, only helpful.
Efficient – How long does it take? What sort of commitment does it require? Did the treatment require weekly sessions for seven years? Did it require 1 year of residential care? If you are comparing several effective therapies, it makes sense to use the one that is most efficient in terms of time and money.
Ethical – Does the therapy use methods of change that are supported by other trustworthy therapists? It’s possible to get someone to change through the use of fear, lies, and intimidation, yet these are not ethical ways of interacting. Ethics also include awareness of how the counseling matches to biblical and Christian world views. For example, the use of pornography in therapy is un-ethical for Christian counselors. The use of methods or relationships which disagree with the Bible should impact the decision.
At Project Patch, our process focuses on helping the families find counseling that is effective, efficient, and ethical. For some, this results in going to Project Patch Youth Ranch or the Family Experience, but it may also result in attending a community-based or other program.
We encourage you to ask questions, ask for references, and take the time to make sure your counselor matches your needs.
Posted: February 14, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
How Do I Know if Specific Counseling is Any Good?
Our family car started doing something that terrified both of us. The engine would just turn off while we were driving down the road. We’d pull onto the shoulder in a panic, shift into park, turn off the car. All we had to do to get going again was to turn it back on. It would start right back up and run just fine until it mysteriously quit again.
It scared my wife because she didn’t want to be stranded along the road with our girls. It scared me because I could see this repair costing more than our car is worth.
We called our mechanic and drove it in just praying for a miracle: A cheap and fast fix.
A bit of background: I’m not too mechanical and I think certain mechanics see “sucker” and “boat payment” written on my forehead. I really don’t know if what they are telling me is the best, cheapest, and fastest repair. My greatest fear is that they do a bunch of work and in the end replace the “computer” which takes a week and costs me $2,800.
I was pleasantly surprised when they fixed the car by replacing a sensor and everything cost under $80. The repair was perfect since it was effective and efficient, and they were ethical.
Siang-Yang Tan, a psychologist, pastor, and professor at Fuller Seminary suggests that counseling and counselors be evaluated using the same three E’s: Effective, Efficient, and Ethical.
Effective – Does it work? Do the things they say make a lasting difference? Do the people they help get better or not? Is your time with them helpful? Notice that we aren’t talking about painful or difficult, only helpful.
Efficient – How long does it take? What sort of commitment does it require? Did the treatment require weekly sessions for seven years? Did it require 1 year of residential care? If you are comparing several effective therapies, it makes sense to use the one that is most efficient in terms of time and money.
Ethical – Does the therapy use methods of change that are supported by other trustworthy therapists? It’s possible to get someone to change through the use of fear, lies, and intimidation, yet these are not ethical ways of interacting. Ethics also include awareness of how the counseling matches to biblical and Christian world views. For example, the use of pornography in therapy is un-ethical for Christian counselors. The use of methods or relationships which disagree with the Bible should impact the decision.
At Project Patch, our process focuses on helping the families find counseling that is effective, efficient, and ethical. For some, this results in going to Project Patch Youth Ranch or the Family Experience, but it may also result in attending a community-based or other program.
We encourage you to ask questions, ask for references, and take the time to make sure your counselor matches your needs.
Posted: February 7, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Comfort Over Growth
At our youth program in Idaho, Level Three has its privileges. I won’t go into all the specifics but it not only allows more freedom in communication, food choice, and clothes, it also allows for earning some money and occasionally spending that money on great things like ice cream.
It also has its drawbacks: More responsibility, higher expectations for leadership, and being a strong example to other residents (and staff).
I was surprised to hear that Jeff, one of the teens at our youth program, didn’t want to move from Level Two to Level Three. Where most kids can’t wait to get the signatures of support from staff and other residents, he accepted the form with a sigh and proceeded to just sit on it. He didn’t want more responsibility, the possibility of messing up, and then the embarrassment of dropping back to Level Two.
It’s easy to make a quick judgment about Jeff and tell him to get out of the safety of the bunny slope (yes, I will use a lot of skiing and snowboarding analogies) and enjoy the joy and challenge of the mountain. Yet, how many of us regularly choose the safe and predictable over greater freedom, joy, growth, and risk? Examples I’ve seen and experienced include not applying for the promotion, not joining the class at the gym, and not volunteering to lead a small group at church. All these opportunities come with a possible downside and so we stay stuck.
Carol Dweck, a researcher and psychologist at Stanford University, wrote an amazing book called “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.” Those with a growth mindset believe that with effort, they can get better at things. Those with a fixed mindset believe that talent is not determined by effort but instead is something you are born with. Failure shows that you aren’t talented. Kids with a growth mindset enjoy trying increasingly difficult puzzles and failure makes them try even harder. Children with a fixed mindset prefer to repeat puzzles they already figured out and resist puzzles that would show they are not talented.
The best news is that we can learn to have a growth mindset. We can learn from athletes like Michael Jordan who practiced missed shots after games. We can learn from Thomas Edison who had over 30 scientists working around the clock, failing at making a light bulb until one worked.
Jeff is now meeting with staff and peers, getting their support for his move to Level Three. This has been an awesome learning time for Jeff as he has learned that his fear and mindset are the things that are getting in the way of his growth and a lot of fun.
Question:
What things are getting in the way of your growth? What has worked for you as you stepped away from the comfortable and decided to grow?
Posted: February 5, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Suppressing Anger
“The peaceful home, like the hoped-for peaceful world, does not depend on a sudden benevolent change in human nature. It does depend on deliberate procedures that methodically reduce tensions before they lead to explosions.” (From: “Between Parent and Child,” by Dr. Haim G. Ginott [Revised and Updated], Three Rivers Press, New York 2003)
When I think about things I regret as a father they nearly always are about missed opportunities and poorly expressed anger. I tend to suppress anger and that results in two negative things:
The assumption behind suppressed anger is that anger is bad and that I’m at my best when I’m not angry. It assumes the best person is the one that “just takes it” and doesn’t react but remains stoic despite the world around them.
Dr. Ginott’s book, “Between Parent and Child,” has been very helpful for me because it provides a perspective that anger needs to be expressed and there is great learning from expressing it. In fact, not expressing anger may actually be causing more of it!
Here are three tips to survival from Ginott that I’ve found helpful in dealing with stressful and volatile situations:
So, we get angry. We should. Yet that never gives us permission to attack a child.
So what does this look like?
This is a silly example, but I’ve found that sharing accurately with my girls, spouse, and employees can be a gift to them, and more importantly to me. I’m careful and not being destructive but appropriately share my reaction and why I’m reacting the way I am. I also am sharing my values and beliefs and I’ve been surprised how people react when I’m not attacking their personality or character.
Question:
How are you learning to share your anger in a helpful way?