The Loneliness Vulnerability: feeling alone and under attack

All of us have vulnerabilities.  While some vulnerabilities are common, each of us have unique vulnerabilities which make it harder for us to resist certain things or people.

As I teach parents about things like pornography addiction, I get parents that are focused on filters and at what age to allow kids access to the Internet or a cell phone.  While these are important considerations, I rarely get a question about how to identify and reduce our kid’s vulnerability to things like pornography or damaging relationships.

Even though I’m not asked about vulnerabilities, I’d believe we best help our kids when we help shield their vulnerable areas while simultaneously helping heal their vulnerability so it is now an area of strength.  This is both defense and offense based on our individual child’s needs.

This is the first in a series of podcasts exploring vulnerabilities that our kids and us as adults have that are being exploited.

I use vulnerability with the idea that it is a part of us that  is open to assault and difficult to defend.  The assaults I’m talking to aren’t physical but emotional.

What makes certain areas of our life more vulnerable?

• Some of it we are born with – certain people are more genetically vulnerable.  An example is how genetics affects how the body processes alcohol.
• Some vulnerability is from trauma.  Where we’ve been hurt, if not completely healed becomes a weak spot that can be exploited.  A common wound that ends up getting a lot of people in trouble is a father wound.
• Vulnerability from our appetites – If you’ve never smoked you won’t craving for nicotine
• Vulnerability from unmet needs.

Why I focus on vulnerabilities is that we live in a world where we are constantly being manipulated, some more obviously than others.

• Candy in the checkout line – our vulnerability from self-restrain fatigue
• Autoplay on youtube and netflix exploit our curiosity and self-control

The goal isn’t to simply talk about vulnerability but to instead focus on healing vulnerabilities and building defenses.

This episode focuses on loneliness

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• 1 in 5 Americans suffers from persistent loneliness (Fortune)
•  Psychologist at BYU and the University of Utah found that Social isolation (actual and perceived) may be more deadly than obesity – increasing a person’s chance of premature death by 14% – near double the risk of early death from obesity
• Another study found that lacking social connections is a comparable risk factor for early death as smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Campaign to End Loneliness)

First – Loneliness is a feeling… a signal that alerts us of a need.  Learn more about feelings from Marc Schelske.  It doesn’t necessarily signal that we need to be around people. Brenne’ Brown talks about “That lonely feeling” that can easily happen when we are in a large group.  The best response could be a bit of time on our own to recharge. It also could mean that we are seeking deep rather than superficial connection.

If the signal doesn’t get a response – loneliness tends to transition into depression – a place where action is very difficult.

Second – Loneliness is much about perception.  People become more discontent and feel isolated when they perceive that others are more connected or stable.  It’s easy to thin “I’m the only one…”

Finally, loneliness vulnerability to identify because we tend to dismiss it easily looking for another solution.

• How could I feel lonely when I’m with people all day.
• How could I feel lonely when I have a close family
• How could I feel lonely when I have so many people who follow me and like me on social media.

Loneliness is normal and is a part of life, yet if we don’t respond to the feeling we end up having a vulnerability that is exploited.

Our personality can affect out loneliness.  Extroverted people tend to feel more lonely when alone. Introverted people tend to feel more lonely when in a crowd

Trauma affects our loneliness. Kids that put on a smile and carefully share their life but are afraid of people knowing the “real” them. Sexual, physical and emotional abuse can result in a distrust of people and avoiding deep relationships. We all have a deep need for relationships and community…and we have ways to cope when we don’t have a community.

Some ways that loneliness is exploited

• Pornography (see Why Porn Leaves Consumers Lonely – Fight The New Drug)
  • Dr. Gary Brooks – “The more one uses pornography, the more lonely one becomes”
  • Dr. Ana Bridges writes, “For both male and female porn consumers, their habit is often accompanied by problems with anxiety, body-image issues, poor self-image, relationship problems, insecurity, and depression.
  • I’ve talked to many kids who say used porn when bored and that porn had a fleeting and mysterious way of making them feel seen and connected.
• Video games
  • There are multiples studies which show loneness and depression are at higher levels with kids who game the most.
    • Question is causality – did the games cause depression or did depression lead to gaming.
  • Gaming, even the multi-player games don’t appear to help with lonliness or depression
• Social media
  • Social media gives the impression of a social and connected environment but we find that similar to gaming, there is a increase of perception of isolation and depression the more it is used.
  • People want to feel connected so they go online and after use their report is more isolation.

Why I want to share about vulnerabilities

• Healing can take place that will reduce the vulnerability.
• In the meantime protection can be put in place that will reduce the exposure of the vulnerability.

First – Help for loneliness – Psychology today “The Cure for Loneliness”

• Improve social skills – learning how to break the ice, start conversation, ask for help.
• Enhancing Social support – Divorce support groups.  Could also be sports team with new students.  Peer group that helps process.
• Increasing opportunities for social interaction – Organized group activities, social opportunities
• Changing maladaptive thinking – Lonely people tend to be increasingly sensitive to rejection and hostility and miss read deathly interaction as a threat.

Biblical help

• Genesis 2:18 – “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him”
  • First thing mentioned in the Bible as not good is isolation.
•  John 14:16 – “I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, who will stay with you forever”
• Proverbs 18:24 “One who has unreliable friend soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”
• James 5:16, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
  • Idea of living vulnerable connected lives.  Not hiding but safely sharing.
• 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear”
  • The opposite of loneliness is love
  • Do something outside of yourself
  • Preferable something that won’t even be noticed
  • You are going to notice that this verse is a theme that I’ll drone on about for nearly every vulnerability.
  • In weakness we are made strong – In service we lose fear and are brought to connection.

Shields

These are things to put in place to protect you while your vulnerability heals

• Weekly meeting with people
• Sleep
• Exercise – group class even better
• Daily, Weekly, Annual time alone without electronics – Andy Crouch – Tech Wise Family – 1 hour day, 1 day a week, 1 week a year
• Journal