Todays Family Experience | Project Patch

Posted: May 14, 2013 by Chuck Hagele

Complexity: A Family Enemy

What is life like in your family? Many people I talk to share that life is too busy and complicated. Parents feel like glorified cooks and taxi drivers, and kids feel like busy executives with every moment of their lives scheduled.

Andy Stanley, speaking at the Chick-fil-A Leadercast last week said, “Growth brings complexity and there is no way to avoid it.” A surefire way to make your life more complicated is to add children. Project Patch has become more complex with the addition of our Family Experience program in Goldendale, Wash. I’m thrilled with the impact it is making on kids and parents but wow, things were way easier before. As a parent, you no doubt look back and remember what it was like when you could watch TV, exercise, and do laundry all in the same evening.

Andy Stanley went on to say, “Complexity is the enemy of clarity.” This isn’t only true for growing businesses but it’s true for growing families (size or age of kids). Newborn babies are a lot of work but there is a whole new level of complexity that comes with toddlers. My wife and I recently took our girls to the coast and I was stunned by how much stuff a simple trip required. I’m trying to put into words this new law of nature in which 40% more stuff appears the moment I think I’ve packed everything imaginable into the trunk. Also, there is a parallel law in which the only item you need during a trip is the one that is hardest to reach. Life is complicated and complex with kids.

In general, people react in two extreme ways when facing too much complexity. Give up or go into crazy mode.

A lady at the grocery store reacted to her out of control kids by saying to me, “@$#& kids will be @$#& kids”. In that moment, I didn’t know how to respond to her but I did understand the frustration that parents face when life is just plain overwhelming and our kids aren’t making things any easier. The problem with giving up is that life takes over and we lose boundaries. In the extreme, it is letting go of the steering wheel and put on cruise control, and hoping you end up where you need to go. The wish is good but the likelihood of getting there safely is really low.

The other option is to try to become hyper-vigilant and controlling. While this can bring some order to life, the areas that are most easily managed and controllable tend to create micro-managers who meddle in the petty while leaving the big areas of focus unattended. The car is still on cruise control and not being driven but at least it is clean with no cheerios under the seats. We have seen so many kids at Patch who are really look good on the outside, can quote scripture by the page, and sit without batting an eye in church but have no love for anything related to God. Their parents micro-managed the details of spiritual learning without a vision for the big picture.

Andy suggested three questions to ask to keep things simple(r):

What are we doing?
Why are we doing it?
Where do I fit in?

These three questions don’t solve the problem of complexity but they start bringing some focus; not only giving us keys on how to act at the moment but direction on where we want to head.

What are we doing? At Project Patch, we answer this question with “Restoring troubled teens and building thriving families.” All our activity needs to be focused on these two things. What is the mission of your family? What are you trying to accomplish?

Why are we doing it? As a parent, I think it is really easy for us to lose perspective on our task. When we forget why we are doing something we lose motivation and pretty soon it becomes a job. A job only motivates based on getting paid, not the process but when the why is clear it becomes a crusade, a passion, something you can be emotional about.

Where do I fit in? This question really focuses on what you as a parent are going to bring to the table. Can you summarize your role as a parent in a one-sentence Job description? I can’t answer for you what your one-sentence job description is and I won’t give you mine because the process of coming up with one is as important as the outcome. I can tell you that having clarity in your purpose allows you to find focus in the midst of all the stuff that tries to take your attention.

In my next post, we’ll continue looking at reducing complexity and focusing on bringing clarity to our homes. We’ll do that by learning how to prune for growth and life!

Question: What areas of complexity have surprised you as a parent and what have you done to bring more clarity to your family?

Posted: May 9, 2013 by Chuck Hagele

Knowing When to Pause

I recently watched a really painful but funny story. In summary, Henry went to a carnival and tried to win an Xbox Kinect ($300 value) at a game in which you throw a tennis ball into a tub. If the ball stays in, you win, if not, you lose or maybe get something else. He lost $300 pretty quick because he was given the chance to “double or nothing” his prior losses. At this point, he drove all the way home, got the $2300 of his remaining savings, and went back and promptly lost that money.

The next day he returned and they gave him back $600 and a huge banana with dreadlocks. He has filed a police report and filed a lawsuit.

I’m not making this up. You can watch it here.

This story leaves all sorts of opportunities to make fun of the guy and leave me feeling smug.

Here is a list of what I don’t have in common with Henry:

I have never spent $2,600 trying to win an Xbox or any other game console.
I have never spent $2,600 on a huge banana with dreadlocks.
I’ve never had my stupidity broadcast on national news.

Here is what I DO have in common with Henry:

I’ve paid dearly for worthless things.
Rather than admit my mistake, I’ve dug in and created a bigger mistake.
I’ve been given the time to think and make a better decision but was so wrapped up in my emotion that I kept being stupid.
I’ve blamed others for my stupidity.
I embarrassed myself and my family without knowing it.

Henry got so wrapped up in recovering from his first mistake that he made a string of other mistakes. Kind of like the bird that keeps smashing into the window, each time the bird gets a bit more frustrated, angry, sore, and confused, so it tries again and again.

I originally titled this post, “Knowing When to Quit,” but really the question isn’t quitting but is really about learning to pause and reset.

Pausing and resetting isn’t easy, especially when emotions are high when we are feeling threatened, embarrassed, fearful, or even good emotions like silly or funny. I suggest taking a deep breath and answering the following three questions:

What just happened?
Where is this taking me?
Do I need to do something different to reach my goals?

Let me role-play what could have happened for Henry.

Oh no, I’m out of money and I don’t have an Xbox (pause while hitting head against the wall). My wife is going to kill me. What am I going to do? I just spent $300 and have nothing to show for it. The guy at the booth is telling me that I could get my money back and win the Xbox on the next try but I have been trying and it hasn’t worked out well. If I keep going, I’m going to be broke! I really want an Xbox but I better find a different way of getting one. Now, what am I going to tell my wife about the $300?

It sounds easy when solving Henry’s problem but it’s much easier to figure out other people’s problems than your own.

I started a business about 15 years ago. I not only spent our savings on the business, but I also borrowed money from family to keep things going. I spent countless hours of my time and eventually my wife’s time trying to get things going. The payoff was always around the corner. Eventually, with my wife’s help (okay, more like demand) I took a pause and did an evaluation of where we were at in the business and where my actions were taking us. We then talked about what would need to change to get on course. At that point, I realized the cost of making that change both personally and financially was beyond what I wanted to pay and so we closed the business. I felt so stupid, embarrassed, and depressed about it. She saw the writing on the wall before I did and it was a real blow to me. It took a while to close things down and pay off my “Stupid Tax.” But we made the right decision and got back to living life rather than being slaves to a flawed business.

I’m thankful for the pause that my wife and I took and since that time I’ve come to resist less and eventually appreciate other pauses she has brought into my life. I also find that as I force myself to be more reflective about my time and decisions, it’s easier to get back on track. Peter Bergman, in his book “18 Minutes,” recommends setting an alarm to ring every hour to “stop, take a deep breath, and ask yourself if you spent your last hour productively.” This pause starts to become a habit fairly quickly and I find that I’m making better decisions when I practice the hourly pause.

The hardest time to make good decisions and pause is when emotions are high. It isn’t easy but it’s the difference between a $300 mistake and owning a $2,600 stuffed banana and losing your wife’s trust for a moment’s pleasure, or getting your child to be quiet yet teaching them to fear you.

Practice and use the gift of knowing when to pause.

Question: How do you remember to pause when your emotions are running high?

Posted: May 7, 2013 by Chuck Hagele

Attribute to Others: A Spin on the Golden Rule

I love the story (hopefully it’s made up) about the man using a stall in a public bathroom. The guy in the next stall asks, “How are you doing?” and not wanting to offend the first man awkwardly responds, “Good…” He was uncomfortable answering and hoped that was the end of it but soon was asked, “Where you headed?” So he gave a stammering response. “I-I’m headed east, to Chicago.” Then he heard, “Look, I’ll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, some idiot near me keeps answering me!”

This is an extreme example but it reminds me how easy it is to justify and explain my own behavior while at the same time coming to the conclusion that other people are idiots.

There is a theory called the Fundamental Attribution Error which says that when we judge someone’s actions we blame their personality weaknesses for their behavior. When explaining our own behavior we will use the situation to explain things rather than our own personality flaws. So when other drivers make a mistake, they are selfish, rude idiots; but when I make a driving mistake I’m not a bad driver – it was the sun in my eyes, the pothole I was avoiding, or the poorly designed intersection.

For parents, when our kids make a mistake or disobey us, we tend to follow the Fundamental Attribution Error and punish them in order to correct their personality and degenerate state. We label them, lazy, careless, reckless, rude, selfish, and a whole host of other negative traits. We then feel a lot of fear because who wants to have raised a lazy, careless, reckless, rude, and selfish kid?

Yet, if we spill milk, don’t make our bed, stain our clothes, forget an assignment, or are late, we don’t come to the same conclusions we would if our kids did the same thing. We find valid reasons for our behavior.

What if we used the Golden Rule – do to others as you like them to do to you – when we respond to others who make mistakes?

I’m not suggesting we make excuses for poor behavior but what if we didn’t assume our kids had flawed personality but instead explored with them the circumstances and decisions that resulted in the error. I’m one that doesn’t react to spilled milk well, but what if I spent less time focused on labeling her as careless and more time being helpful. What if I responded, “Honey, you get so excited being together at the table and having fun with your sister that you forget your cup of milk is full. I know you don’t want to spill it, how can I help you remember not to bump your milk?”

You noticed that I’m assuming that she doesn’t want to spill her milk, which is a huge departure from where I typically go. Isn’t this the Golden Rule in action, responding in a way that you’d prefer?

When we teach de-escalation skills to our staff we focus on helping them visually move away from threatening finger-pointing and instead transition to focusing on the problem. Rather than standing in a threatening posture that communicates, “You are a screw-up” we try to stand shoulder to shoulder and use our hands to represent the problem. For example, rather than saying, “You really messed things up,” we’d maybe use one hand to represent the decision the kid made and the other to show the result. “You tried (hold out left hand) to get your roommate to listen to your point of view but when they didn’t listen you shouted and insulted (hold out right hand). What do you think you might try next time to get their attention without saying things you regret?”

The amazing thing is that this shoulder-to-shoulder focus on the actual event and the situation rather than personality flaws has the power to create change and hope. We assume that personality won’t change but circumstances and our reaction to them can.

This principle of not assuming the worst about those you deal with can bring so much freedom to your relationships. I hope you notice when you are using the Fundamental Attribution Error and instead take on another translation of the Golden Rule: Attribute to others as you’d like attributed to you.